Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Bill

[Reading Dave's memo to Lisa] Oops!

Dave

What?

Bill

This is a word that, in my experience, the ladies don't particularly go for.

Dave

Oh, that's just a typo. It's supposed to read "pushy."

Bill

Even if I did blab your personal life to the world, no one would believe me.

Dave

Why not?

Bill

Because I am widely believed to be an inveterate liar, and rightly so.

Dave

Wait a minute, you carry your contract around?

Bill

At a time like this it doesn't seem so crazy, does it?

Page 15, article 4, paragraph 1.

Bill

"Contract transferable to third party in case of sale, merger, corporate restructuring, liquidation, bankruptcy and/or act of God"--it doesn't say anything about--

Read your act of God, clause and clarification.

Bill

Jimmy James will hereafter and for the purposes of this contract only [realization sets in] be referred to as God.

Dave

Sir, can I see you in my office for a moment?

Bill

Hey, guy...

Dave

Bill, at least call him by his name.

My name is Guy.

Dave

[embarrassed pause] Hi, Guy.

Joe

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave

It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa

I was just about to say that.

Dave

All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.

Lisa

Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

I'm sorry Dave, but a budget is a budget is a budget, to paraphrase...

Dave

Gertrude Stein

What?

Dave

Yeah, "A rose is a rose is a rose"

That's really pretty Dave but can we get back to the budget!

You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?

Dave

"Under Siege"?

No.

Dave

"Under Siege 2"?

No.

Dave

"Under Siege 3"?

That's the one.

Lisa

I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Dave

Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.

Bill

No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.

Dave

Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?

Bill

I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.

Dave

No it hasn't.

Bill

Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!

Dave

You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?

Bill

Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?

Dave

Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.

Bill

I did!

Matthew

I took third place in the costume contest last year.

Dave

Really? What was your costume?

Matthew

Motorcycle enthusiast.

Joe

Gay biker.

Lisa

The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.

Dave

What?

Lisa

You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.

Dave

No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Dave

Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?

Joe

I am a specialist.

Dave

At what?

Joe

At everything.

Matthew

Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.

Dave

I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.

Matthew

Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.

Dave

Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.

Lisa

It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?

Dave

Then I will just tell them that you're a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.

Joe

There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.

Dave

Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.