Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

I made a small error in judgment.

A small error in judgment... What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?

Dave

Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.

No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.

Dave

Of course, you're right.

And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?

Dave

Yes.

Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.

Beth

Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Dave

No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.

Beth

Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?

Dave

Oh?

Beth

Yeah.

Dave

Oh... Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?

Beth

[yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you, Dave? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Dave

Good God, Beth. Were you raised by truckers?

Dave

Sir, it's about the budget.

The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?

Dave

That would be me.

Well, then, why am I thinking about it? You know, you're not giving me much bang for my buck here, Dave.

Dave

All right, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before; but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, all right? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

Beth

You are so naive, Dave.

Bill

Do you have a special lady in your life?

Dave

No.

Bill

I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?

Lisa

Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

Dave

[into speakerphone] Mom, I'm going to have to call you back...

You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Lisa

Yes, I do sir.

What about you Dave, you know what they think about Paul McCartney.

Dave

You mean John Lennon.

No, people liked him.

You know, back in the service we used to have a saying, "You can't expect the troops to salute you if you're sleeping with the sergeant."

Dave

(confused) What... what branch of the service were you in sir?

Lisa

Do you have another shirt?

Dave

Sure. Here you go. [hands Lisa a blue shirt]

Lisa

Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

Dave

No it isn't. That one is Azure and that one is Lapis.

Lisa

Can I have another shirt, please?

Dave

[pulls out a series of blue shirts] Let's see, there's Indigo, Sapphire, Sky, and Standard Blue.

Lisa

Ever see Rain Man, Dave?

Dave

But he is a rat, right? Doesn't anyone find that disgusting?

Catherine

Oh, he's cute Dave. Just pokes his little head out when it's quiet and sometimes we feed him potato chips.

And Fig Newtons!

Dave

[faking a laugh] Aw gosh, [turning serious] does anyone here remember a little thing called the Black Plague?

Bill

You're not in Wisconsin, Dave. The big story isn't about a cow wandering into the town square.

Dave

Bill, I worked in Milwaukee, you know. It's a city with a population of a million people.

Bill

So that must have been quite a hubbub when that cow got loose!

Hey Dave.

Dave

Hey Mr. James.

Something troubling you?

Dave

Yeah.

Work related?

Dave

No.

Girl?

Dave

Yeah.

Lisa?

Dave

Between you and me?

Yes.

Dave

Yes.

Problem?

Dave

Big fight.

Due to?

Dave

Argument.

Issue?

Dave

Temper.

Hers?

Dave

Mine.

Hit her?

Dave

No!

Throw something?

Dave

No.

Call her a name?

Dave

Yes.

What?

Dave

B-word.

Bitch?

Dave

Yes.

Hot dog, now you're talkin'!

Dave

Have you thought about how this will make you co-workers feel?

Bill

Actually, one of the great things about the cubicle is not having to think about my co-workers at all.

Dave

You slept with your therapist? --

Lisa

No!

Dave

Your therapist?

Lisa

No he wasn't my therapist. I would never sleep with my therapist. He was my professor!

Dave

You slept with your professor?!

Lisa

Yeah.

Dave

I mean, isn't that illegal, and disgusting?

Lisa

Illegal? No. Inappropriate? Yes. Disgusting? Mmm...Hardly.

Dave

I resent the hell out of having to spend the day with a man who slept with my girlfriend. I can't tell you how excruciating and uncomfortable this day has been. I mean, what kind of professor sleeps with his sophomore students?

Well, I'm sorry, but I was going through a very strange time back then.

Dave

Oh, yeah? Wanna talk about it?

Not really.

Dave

Well, you know what they say, doc: let it out or sweat it out.

Well, I was dealing with a lot of issues.

Dave

What kind of issues?

[pause] Sexual addiction.

Dave

I'm sorry, I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as "gettin' a lot"?

Similar. I was out of control, totally indiscriminate - students, faculty, men, women, it didn't matter. [pause] Boy, it feels good to talk about it!

Dave

Well, that's what I'm here for.

You're a good listener.

Dave

Thank you.

And you have nice hands.

Dave

Sorry?

Your hands. I noticed them earlier. They're quite beautiful.

Dave

You never really resolved the aforementioned problem, did you?

Not really.

Dave

Wanna talk about it?

[whimpering] Mmm-hmm.