[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]
Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.
You didn't pack the gloves.
I thought you packed the gloves.
[laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.
S4 E4Faking It
Ziva thinks that all men are liars.
Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?
Particularly you.
[grins] You think?
Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.
True.
Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.
False.
She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.
False. Strike three. I win.
[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?
When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.
And the date?
Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.
I would?
Oh yeah.
Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?
Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.
Ready to roll, boss!
[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?
Yeah, boss?
You got egg on your shirt.
[smiles] Not just your shirt...
Women want men to lie to them.
Not true.
[In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."
Want a 24 hour protection detail, DiNozzo, you're team leader.
You're in safe hands Mike.
MMike
I've seen your hands DiNozzo, they don't impress me.
S4 E5Dead And Unburied
[Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a purely forensic standpoint, I mean.
We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
He had me at "howdy."
[gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.
I've still got my eyebrows.
Good point.
RRick
What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!
She tried to rat on us.
She means rabbit.
Rabbit, yes!
JJody
...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!
[to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?
I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.
JJody
I come from a good Catholic family! When we swear to God, we mean it!
[McGee is photographing the victim and accidentally runs into Palmer]
There's no rush gentlemen, our patient isn't going anywhere.
I dunno Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.
The "old" Gibbs?
[enters the room] McGee, over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.
[goes down on all fours] Okay, um, you're not gonna step on me are you?
It's an odd decorating choice, although the corpse does give the place a certain lived-in look.
Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.
[enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?
Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.
No you didn't.
Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?
A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]
Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
He had me at "howdy."
How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.
You see this fracture?
Well yeah, you're pointing right at it.
It's ok. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.
Like Gibbs breaking up a chic-fight?
I can't believe I missed that!
I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV.
[Shows video to Abby on his cellphone]
[...]
This is my favorite part.
[Gibbs enters the lab unnoticed]
Which part?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.