I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counseling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)
Oh, let's not use those words.
S2 E16Pop Life
Are you done?
Almost.
Done or fired. Those are your options.
Done.
DiNozzo!
(Tony is snoring)
I'll wake him up.
No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)
Bad dream, DiNozzo?!
I... wha... uh... wha...
You done?
Almost.
"Done" or "fired" are the choices.
Done.
S2 E17An Eye for an Eye
A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?
Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.
That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!
Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'
Gibbs will get over it
When?
Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.
LCLt. Col. Bushnell
I got your email, Special Agent Gibbs, and to tell you the truth, I was shocked - when did you learn to use a computer?
[After Abby fails to detect where Gibbs is hiding after sneaking into her lab]
You are getting sneakier the older you get!
Not to mention better-looking.
[Gibbs, Tony and Kate are sitting in at a class to observe a lecturer]
LCLt Cdr Purcell
Now that we've learned a bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?
[Tony raises his hand]
[looks to Tony] DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?
S2 E18Bikini Wax
Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.
That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.
[entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?
Yeah.
Call Ducky.
Got it.
Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?
No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.
Give him 5 seconds.
Until what?
Until he notices there's a ...
Bikini contest?!
Something wrong, doctor?
Her head is in the toilet, Mr. Palmer.
Oh, right.
What about his prints?
I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.
Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?
[nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".
[to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Thank you, boss.
She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?
She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.
[laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.
[taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?
I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.
How long?
Two days, three tops.
You've got four.
[surprised] Really?
Hours.
[deadpan] Sounds about right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.