TV show quotes
Look at him, Commander, in agony over something he didn't do.
How do you know?
[looks at Cdr Coleman] Ever been in combat?
No.
The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in?
God only knows.
Well, he had better tell me 'cause I don't understand and neither does Yost.
So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Is that a band?
Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Don't waste my time, Abbs.
If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Doubt it...
I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Yeah? I bet you won't.
She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.
You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Really? You, a doctor?
Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
[laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Of course you did, Probie.
[to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
[in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Abby! You made me almost...
[smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?
Uh, Doctor?
Yes?
Does it help you to talk to [the dead bodies]?
They're still human. What we do is very invasive and impersonal. It helps me establish a relationship.
Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.
Or it just means he's never been caught.
[resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.
[referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
[The team arrive at the crime scene.
Break out the gear. I'll coordinate with the MPs. [hands coffee to Tony] You drink that, DiNozzo, you're dead.
[...]
[hands Gibbs' coffee to an oblivious McGee] Coffee, Probie. Looks like you could use it.
Oh. Thanks, Tony.
Don't mention it. [smiles as he walks away]
[to Kate] I think he's finally starting to warm up to me.
[Kate looks away and smiles]
[...]
[McGee enters crime scene sipping the coffee just as Gibbs is walking out]
Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
Uh, yeah.
It's not too hot?
[Kate and Tony smile at each other. Gibbs glares at McGee and walks away. McGee spots Kate and Tony laughing quietly to each other and realizes he has been pranked.]
[embarrassed] It's your coffee. I'm sorry Boss. I'll get you another one. [turns to Kate and Tony] Thanks.
Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule 23.
Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
[laughs at McGee] Yeah.
[Kate pats McGee's back as he walks out the door]
Dead man walking!
Let me guess, you take it black, Agent Gibbs? Marines always do. What about you Agent McGee? Cream and sugar?
[McGee is about to accept, Gibbs looks at him]
Uh, you know what, I still have to take some photos outside, so maybe later but thank you. [hurriedly leaves]
Is he old enough to be an NCIS agent?
[deadpan] I ask myself that everyday.
Every road with access into Quantico is blocked by armed gate guards. There's Marines everywhere. Why would a rapist choose a victim here?
Maybe he's got a death wish, Agent McGee.
There's easier ways to die.
Go for it, honey!
My first round's going through your right eye-socket, Lady!
(disgusted) DiNozzo? (walks over to him)
One sec! I'm looking into the suspects state of mind!
(snatches the emails out of his hand) I've read them! And they're all pretty much the same!
(shocked) Well...I've only read two and if you think there all the same then we definitely need to have a talk!
(smirks) Yeah, well...twelve years at Catholic school says that ain't ever gonna happen! (stalks off)
(gapes) Do you still have the pleated skirt? (follows her)
Kate, Kate?
Who's Kate?
My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
What does she look like?
A Shih-Tzu.
A what?
Long brown hair, kinda mangy?
[Kate screams.]
Is something wrong?
Gibbs is driving.
I'm sending a prayer in many languages.
Abs, do you have him?
[smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
[deadpan] No, I called to flirt.
[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]
And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
He told me to tell you... stick it.
You're telling me to...?
Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
