Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

[As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!

McGee

Accent's still not right.

Damn.

S1 E18 UnSEALed

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McGee

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Really a lot.

S1 E18 UnSEALed

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[catches McGee looking at him] What the hell are you doing?

McGee

Um..

Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee?

McGee

The NCIS investigator was Agent Clay Williamson, sir.

That's a good sentence.

S1 E18 UnSEALed

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[Gibbs is interrogating Commander Foley. Kate and Tony are watching in the observation room.]

You testified on his behalf at the trial. You certainly seemed to be sympathetic to his situation.

FFoley

Situation?

Coming home and finding his wife in the bedroom with another guy?

FFoley

Well, wouldn't that bother you?

Oh yeah. It bothered me a hell of a lot. Only I chose divorce over murder.

I didn't know that!

He's lying. Establishing rapport through shared communication.

You sure he's lying?

Of course I'm-- [pauses] Not.

I was coming home from a three-month float in the Med. Not six months in a war zone.

[...]

[There is a knock on the door and McGee enters interrogation room]

McGee

Uh sorry. Can I see you for a second, Boss?

[stunned] Oh, I can't believe I'm seeing what I'm seeing.

S1 E18 UnSEALed

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[shocked to find McGee sitting at Gibbs' desk] McGee! Are you nuts?

McGee

What?

You're at Gibbs' desk touching his computer! That's like touching the Ark of the Covenant!

McGee

Gibbs knows I'm doing this.

He said you could use his computer?

McGee

[nods head] Uh-huh.

Really? You know when mine fried he wouldn't let me touch his.

[walks into squad room] Because your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.

S1 E21 Split Decision

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He stay at your place?

Yup.

You sleep in the coffin, McGee?

McGee

Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.

Well... it is! Sort of...

McGee

That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.

...Not just slept.

S1 E23 Reveille

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You should wake him!

McGee

What if he needs the rest?

He's not resting! His eyes are disco dancing under those lids!

McGee

They brought it back!

It's Gibbs so it never left!

S1 E23 Reveille

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Okay...make him older than mummy dust! (the image changes) Oh that's so cool! Now make him a young guy on his first date! (the image changes again) Hm...he wasn't a late bloomer like you McGee! (the image changes again) He's cute!

McGee

(frowning) You think?

(noticing his frown) Oh (walks towards him) Not cuter than you!

McGee

(as she puts her arm around his neck he smiles bashfully) Abs! (laughs) I'm trying to work!

(regretting it) Sorry!

McGee

(blushes) No I like it but uh...(admits his feelings) I can't concentrate!

Okay (walks backwards) What if watched (starts yelling) FROM ALL THE WAY OVER...(backs into Gibbs and jumps forward)

S1 E23 Reveille

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[smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee

Reboot it?

Or you can do what we always do.

[Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee]

It's his third one this month.

[Later on]

[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

So reboot it.

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

S2 E1 See No Evil

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McGee, can't you tell when someone's kidding with you?

McGee

I used to and then I met you guys.

S2 E1 See No Evil

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Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee

Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Yeah, he can.

McGee

You're right, we are doomed.

S2 E1 See No Evil

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McGee, where are you going?

McGee

Uh, Norfolk.

Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.

McGee

Really? That's incredible! What's-

You belong to me now.

[After he leaves]

Congratulations!

Yeah, what she said.

McGee

So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?

KTKate and Tony

Sure.

McGee

Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

[Kate and Tony both head-slap McGee]

You know I could really get used to that.

S2 E1 See No Evil

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[slams a portable fan onto his desk] Anyone, and I mean anyone, know when the air conditioner is getting fixed? What about the name of the genius who invented windows that don't open? Like, what are we on, a space ship? Windows should open!

[checks him out admiringly] Ooh! Have you been working out?

All summer long. Thanks for finally noticing!

No. I meant right now. 'Cause you're sweating like a pig and it's not very... [whispers] attractive!

[She sits down... and jumps up with a shriek when she realizes McGee is under her desk.]

McGee

[awkwardly] Morning, Agent Todd!

McGee...

McGee

Yeah?

You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there!

McGee

I'm upgrading the computer system, and, uh...

Time's up!

[She hauls him to his feet by his ears.]

McGee

N...n...no! I wasn't looking! Ahh! I wasn't looking!

[walking in] Tony, Did I just see what I thought I saw?

Um, out of respect for my co-workers, I'd have to say "yes, you did" and it's kind of disturbing.

I agree. Put your damn shirt on! This is a federal office building, not a gym! [notices McGee] Damn it, McGee, why are you still here?

McGee

The air conditioner's been turned off and it won't get turned on 'till the network's back on.

And you think it's acceptable to be crawling around all day, by yourself?

McGee

I just wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.

You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Yeah, do you, McGee?

Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

[McGee notices Tony's death stare.]

McGee

It's not that hard, so I'll probably do it myself.

Good answer!

Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.

[Her phone rinks and she snatches it.]

Agent Todd!

McGee

[to Tony] I didn't look!

Oh, I believe you. But let me ask you this... is she a pantyhose or a thong girl? 'Cause I'm thinking thong... [winces as Kate elbows him in the gut]

S2 E1 See No Evil

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[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

So reboot it.

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Even if it does. It's gonna take like an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee

And without air conditioning it'll happen again!

So take it somewhere cooler!

Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweat-shop!

Not the whole building Abs!

S2 E1 See No Evil

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Face it, McGee. We are doomed.

McGee

Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the Pentagon in a single afternoon!

Yeah, he can.

McGee

You're right, we are doomed.

We have to call DOD and hope they'll let us in without severing the connection!

McGee

Unless! What if the trojan isn't system wide? If it was then...

He wouldn't need...

McGee

Watson to do it for him! That means that he can't access the rest of the network!

(stares at the computer screen) We've been trying to hack the wrong place!

McGee

Okay checking for outside links! Yes we've got multiple incoming packets! And we're varying the Doomsday Trojan!

(flirting) I love it when you talk geek!

McGee

(flirting) I love it that you love it!

I'll be sure to mention that to Captain Watson...right after we're done burying his family!

I would seriously hold off on those funeral arrangements Gibbs! The reason we're so excited is...

McGee

We've hacked into Watson's computer...

And we should be able to back-trace the connection as soon as (sees the image distort) No, no (starts typing frantically) No! (as the screen goes black) Aah! (Gibbs looks confused) My baby just french-fried!

McGee

(to an even more confused Gibbs) The system's overheated!

So just re-boot it!

(puts her head in her hands) Believe it or not Gibbs...But not all computer problems can be solved by re-booting!

(holds up a new phone and says brightly) Works for me! (McGee looks terrified of what could happen if Gibbs realises the scam Kate and DiNozzo have been pulling on him.)

Even if it does. It'll take like at least an hour for mine to cool down!

McGee

And with out air-conditioning it'll happen again!

So take it somewhere cooler

Where? The whole building is like an illegal sweatshop!