Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Got him.

McGee

Good.

S5 E11 Tribes

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Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.

McGee

I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.

Do you trust DiNozzo?

McGee

Point well taken.

S5 E12 Stakeout

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McGee

Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.

Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?

McGee

No.

S5 E12 Stakeout

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NJNikki Jardine

Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --

What? When?

NJNikki Jardine

What, I don't know. When? This morning.

Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]

McGee

Was Tony really messing with her car?

NJNikki Jardine

No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.

S5 E12 Stakeout

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[McGee is walking along the street wearing an earpiece. Tony is watching him from an apartment speaking to him through the earpiece.]

McGee

Pusher's back.

I'm starvin' like Lee Marvin, McGee! What's taking you so long?

McGee

Just making another deal.

We're here to find out who stole Navy radar. Stash kid across the street, he's not our problem unless he's pushing steak and cheese hoagies.

McGee

I'm a sworn federal agent, Tony. Not gonna stand by and watch a felony go down.

[sarcastically] That's a good idea. Blow our stakeout over a $50 crack sale. If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly I will.

McGee

Oh, you're gonna slap me?

[Unknown to McGee, a hooker is behind him listening.]

HHooker

If that's what you want, honey.

[McGee turns around, stunned.]

[observing McGee through binoculars] Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.

McGee

[to Tony, annoyed] Bite me.

HHooker

[puts her hands all over McGee] That'll be extra.

[McGee steps back and is nearly run over by a car. Tony, still watching through the binoculars, laughs at him.]

S5 E12 Stakeout

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Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]

McGee

It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!

You shot that cute little dog?!

McGee

He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!

[The dog whines piteously.]

How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!

McGee

Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!

Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!

McGee

People with dogs that kill people kill people!

[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]

McGee

You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby, there's evidence on there...!

If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily] Bad McGee!

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.

McGee

Hundred and fifty, actually.

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked herself and Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro growls]

Pay no attention to them, Jethro.

McGee

(sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!

I can't hear you, McGee!

McGee

If you can't hear me, why did you answer?

[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]

I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!

McGee

Abby, do not make a scene!

Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!

McGee

You can't stay in there forever.

[indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.

McGee

Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?

Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.

[McGee quickly puts money in the container]

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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(seeing McGee drive in) Hey McGee! (seeing the bandage on his neck and hand) Oh my god! What happened to you?

McGee

I was attacked by a vicious dog.

Are you okay? (pulling at the bandage to see his wounds)

McGee

Yeah, careful, careful.

Sorry, did you provoke it?

McGee

(as she re-places the bandage) If you consider serving a warrant "provoking"!

What happened to the dog?

McGee

He was shot!

What? (gasps, opens the back door and sees the dog muzzled with his legs tied) McGee! Poor thing!

McGee

(as she un-clips the ties and takes off the muzzle) Abby? Abby! Careful that is one vicious dog!

Hi. (as the dog licks her hands) Yeah, McGee, he's really "vicious"!

McGee

Well, Ducky and Jimmy sedated him, hoping you can get some evidence off of him.

There, that's better. Who would shoot this cute little dog? Aw, look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]

McGee

It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!

You shot that cute little dog?!

McGee

He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!

[The dog whines piteously.]

How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!

McGee

Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!

Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!

McGee

People with dogs that kill people kill people!

You didn't kill anyone, did you? No.

[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]

McGee

(as Abby whips his jacket off his shoulders) That's my Hugo Boss! Hey! Don't you think that you're compromising the evidence with my $500 jacket?

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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McGee

(as Jethro barks) The dog should have a muzzle on it Abby.

Put a muzzle on yourself, McGee. It's not like he shot you!

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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McGee

Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.

Gibbs

Or maybe it's his lunch.

Ducky

Only if he was a cannibal, Jethro.

[Jethro (the dog), barks twice.]

Ducky

I wasn't talking to you. And you may want to cover your eyes. (to Gibbs) What's here is not human... it's canine.

[Jethro whines pitifully and Abby covers his eyes.]

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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McGee

Hey Abs. (notices her sad expression whilst hugging Jethro)

Hey.

McGee

What's wrong?

Gibbs asked the base commander if I could keep Jethro.

McGee

He said "no"?

He said "yes".

McGee

Then why are you...?

My landlord said "no".

McGee

Well that's too bad.

I have to find Jethro a good home. He's a distinguished veteran. He deserves to be happy, McGee.

McGee

Abby, no, no, no!

You have been looking for a dog, Timmy!

McGee

That dog tasted my blood and I think he liked it!

Okay, sometimes you have to look at the reality in front of you and just accept it. You are taking Jethro. Accept it. McGee, Jethro...shake. (neither moves) Okay Jethro you'll have to be the bigger man. (Jethro puts his paw in McGee's hand and as McGee smiles, Jethro growls at him)

S5 E13 Dog Tags

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[walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.

McGee

Aw, thank you.

[leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!

McGee

[grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?

[chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.

[walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?

No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.

McGee's kissing a girl?

McGee

You can't see it, Tony.

Why not?

This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.

McGee

Hey!

[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]

[laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.

McGee

You're just jealous.

Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

S5 E15 In The Zone

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