Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

She knew.

McGee

Reads Gibbs like a book.

Short read, not a lot of dialogue.

Your kind of book.

Are you suggesting I don't read?

McGee

I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

S5 E7 Requiem

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[after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.

McGee

Explains a lot.

Is this side of my head bigger?

Yes. But so is the other side.

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McGee

She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's money, she buys things...

Abby

The crazy ones are the best.

McGee

See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?

Abby

Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.

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McGee

[entering the squad room in his sunglasses] Is it always this bright in here?

Wait a second, I recognize that look. You had sex, and I'm guessing it was with a girl.

McGee

No...

No, it wasn't a girl?

McGee

No, it's none of your business.

If the probie was probing last night, I demand details.

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That lipstick on your collar McGee?

McGee

[uneasily] Well...

Good for you, Tim. Good for you. Just don't ever get married.

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[Tony is fiddling with his computer, the plasma screen goes blank.]

Tell me you didn't just lose all that information!

McGee! [McGee hunches over Tony's computer] Space bar?

McGee

[typing] Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey.

Love is not treating you well, my friend.

McGee

Yeah, no kidding.

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Abby

Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?

McGee

People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?

S5 E9 Lost and Found

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[after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?

McGee

It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.

Maybe Ziva will do what?

I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.

You and Abby have been drinking?

No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

McGee

To match your head.

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McGee

[after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?

As hard as you can.

McGee

You know that's how Houdini died?

Ziva, did you kill Houdini?

It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

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[As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.

It has been three hours, Tony.

Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.

He's not on foot, he's in a car!

What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...

Corporal Damon Werth.

McGee

Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?

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What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.

I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.

McGee

That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.

Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?

I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.

[Tony and McGee look at each other]

What? What is this look?

Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.

He was powerful.

McGee

You really like him

No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.

McGee

You itchin' for a rematch?

Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?

I am trying to describe something -- complicated.

It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.

McGee

To her Red Sonja.

Nice.

It only lasted a moment.

You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.

Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.

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When you're dealing with a guy on the run, you gotta climb inside his head, think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?

McGee

Did one armed man murder his wife?

Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in The Greatest Show on Earth?

Do any of your ideas come from reality?

Sure. Just not your reality.

Could you try to zero in on Werth's reality?

Considering the dude skipped the looney bin, maybe a little bit of non-linear fuzzy logic is the key to tracking him.

McGee

Maybe he was accused of a crime he didn't commit and is trying to promptly escape to the Los Angeles underground.

[stares at McGee] He's not The A-Team, McGee.

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[Werth has a seizure, Ziva administers a shot of adrenaline. Tony and McGee are watching on the security cameras.]

[alarmed] She's pulling a Pulp Fiction...

McGee

[alarmed] On the Hulk!

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[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]

McGee

I'll flip you for it.

If I flip you, you will get hurt.

[whispers] You can take her, McGee.

S5 E11 Tribes

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[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]

McGee

Alright, then we’ll flip for it.

If I flip you, you will get hurt.