Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Jenny

His cover is teaching film online in American university.

Ziva

Tony, a teacher?

McGee

No wonder he's been compromised. Who's bright idea was that?

Jenny

Mine.

McGee

What was that for?

Tony

Believing I was dead.

McGee

Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.

Ziva

Don't even think about the headslap.

Ziva

I'm just being curious.

McGee

About when I lost my virginity.

Ziva

No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva

[Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?

McGee

You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?

Tony

I can hear you, you know.

Ziva

I am here if you'd like to talk.

Tony

About what?

Ziva

I know how much you cared about her.

Tony

I'm fine, Ziva.

Ziva

All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.

Tony

If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.

McGee

You put superglue on my keyboard!

McGee

All right. I think I know what happened here.

Tony

Oh, twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again.

McGee

The GPS coordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought-

Gibbs

I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

Tony

Hi. [notices Gibbs glaring at him] Hey Boss. Sorry about that. It's, uh, Sinatra. You gotta sing along. I mean it's Old Blue Eyes, Chairman of the Board. I'm gonna rat pack it up.

Becoming an alpha male means that without saying a word, you're able to project confidence and sexuality simply through your body language....

McGee

MIT lecture. [Gibbs continues staring at him] Nothing I can't listen to on my own time.

Abby

It's the newest version Gibbs. It's 160 gigabytes. You could download like 40,000 songs.

Gibbs

I only listen to 5, Abs.

Abby

Five thousand?

Gibbs

No! Five!

Abby

Oh Gibbs, we really have to broaden your horizons. I could download some of my music for you.

McGee

Dead Marine.

Ziva

Army base.

Tony

Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.

You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.

Gibbs

And my people, my office.

They know we're still seeing each other?

McGee

She--

Ziva

Still on top?

McGee

Seeing Gibbs.

Tony

Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.

Gibbs

So it was greed, huh.

DiNozzo?

Tony

My acting boss says you ain't going anywhere.

Gibbs

What did you sell and who did you sell it to?

Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.

Gibbs

[smiles] Abby?

McGee

[grins] Sweet.

Ziva

[chuckles] Aw, not bad....

McGee

Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.

Ziva

Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.

McGee

He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...

Ziva

[chuckles]

Tony

Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.

Ziva

[gives him a stare] Not me.

Tony

Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?

McGee

Looking at animal rescue sites.

Ziva

McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.

Tony

Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...

McGee

Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...

Ziva

[exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]

Tony

Might be easier getting a girlfriend.

Ziva

[gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.

McGee

Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.

Tony

I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.

McGee

Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.

Ziva

[looks confused] Are you getting a pony?

Tony

It's an adage.

Ziva

I am not familiar with that breed.

Tony

Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.

Tony

So, what's the favorite?

Ziva

[annoyed] The Pit Bull.

Tony

Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

McGee

Don't do that!

Tony

Do what?

McGee

He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]

Tony

That tells him someone's here?

McGee

Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?

Tony

Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?

McGee

Yeah. Once when I was young.

Tony

For your Acrophobia?

McGee

You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.

Tony

Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.

McGee

I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.

Tony

Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!

McGee

I was not.

Tony

You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]

McGee

My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.

Tony

[Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.

McGee

You're not going to post that on YouTube?

Tony

I might.

McGee

You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]

Tony

[Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.

Tony

On the phone?

Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?

McGee

[Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]

Tony

It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.

McGee

Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.

Tony

[Stands] Very special agents.

Tony

I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.

McGee

Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]

Abby

You guys okay?

McGee

Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.

Abby

So, what's Gibbs dealing with?

Gibbs

Them.

Tony

Steady Probie.

McGee

Tell that to my stomach.

Tony

[crouches down] Steady Probie's stomach.

Tony

So this whole thing was a Russian black ops mission to recover their nuke?

McGee

So pirates that weren't really pirates were actually Russian sailors who were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?

Gibbs

[smiles] Uh-huh.