Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?

McGee

Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.

Tony

Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.

Ziva

No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.

Tony

Wow. That's very observant.

Ziva

I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.

Tony

Candy from who?

Ziva

Why does it matter?

Tony

It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!

Ziva

It means nothing.

Tony

Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.

Ziva

So am I!

Ziva

What is CGIS?

McGee

Coast Guard Investigative Service.

Ziva

The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?

McGee

Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.

Ziva

But it is the Coast Guard!

Tony

Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.

McGee

Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.

Tony

Like Corky in Life Goes On.

Ziva

These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.

Tony

Calafuego. Treasure hunters.

Ziva

Is that was this is all about? Treasure?

Tony

Pirate treasure.

Ziva

Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.

Tony

Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.

Ziva

Real monkeys?

Tony

I envy your brain sometimes.

Tony

Wait a minute. You're saying the widow and the stud diver, they... they did it together? [turns to Ziva] Ziva'd you hear that?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

Yes what?

Ziva

Yes, I heard the wife did it, Tony! Okay, yes, you are a genius!

Borin

Okay, question, where would you hide a lot of money if you were afraid your house could be ceased?

Tony

[slaps the table] Not in my house!

Tony

Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?

Ziva

It is just a movie, Tony.

Tony

How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

[chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.

Ziva

I do have friends!

Tony

Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?

Ziva

You are my friend.

Tony

Really?

Ziva

No. My date canceled.

Tony

Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Ziva

[to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.

Tony

Itch, and yes we are.

Ziva

You two are like a married couple.

Gibbs

Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.

It's gnarly, dude.

Yeah, for real.

Gibbs

Words, use 'em. Helpful words.

We were sleeping in our van, yo, right. We heard bam, bam, boom, boom, crack, crack.

Gunshots, dude. That's what I said. I was like, dude, gunshots. [turns to look at friend] Right?

Ziva

So you're saying there were six gunshots?

No, two gunshots. But there was like an echo and he was like, dude don't look and I was like dude were looking.

Yeah, and then, then we like peeked through the windows and we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.

Gibbs

Two? You sure there's two, it wasn't an echo?

Yep, two dudes.

Two dudes.

Abby

Well, wouldn't Susan know? She was there, right? Are you guys sure that we can trust her, because I am not.

Ducky

And why, may I ask, is that?

Tony

C'mon, Ducky. Everyone knows that Susan's taken a little shine to McGee.

Abby

That has nothing to do with it. McGee, he's a capable investigator, but when it comes to matters of the heart he can be a bit... naive.

Ziva

Are you... talking from experience?

Abby

That's classified. Just think about his last girlfriend. She tried to kill him!

Tony

Oh, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.

Ducky

Or an overprotective panther.

Abby

[shrugs uncomfortably] Okay... If Susan can't tell you who lucky number eleven is, I can. Just keep her out of my hair.

You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.

Tony

We're working on it.

Ziva

We have hit a shamu.

Does she mean snafu?

Tony

Roll with it.

Tony

Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.

Ziva

Jimmy, what happened to you?

Palmer

It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?

Tony

I'm late for a squash game!

Ziva

I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.

Palmer

Please, guys! It really itches!

Tony

That's what girlfriends are for!

Palmer

I can get the top part!

Tony

Stay, stay, stay!

Ziva

No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.

Tony

She'll do it, she'll do it!

Palmer

I would do it for you!

Ziva

No, you wouldn't!

Ziva

So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?

Tony

[laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.

Ziva

Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?

Tony

I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.

Ziva

You are obsessed.

Tony

You wouldn't understand.

Ziva

Why is that?

Tony

Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.

Ziva

[scoffs]

Tony

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say serial killer.

Ziva

[laughs] A limb. Nice!

Tony

Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes...

McGee

Why would you let someone get away with rape?

Ziva

Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.

McGee

Well, you're a woman. What would you do?

Ziva

I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.

Tony

Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.