Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Okay, so how many amendments to the Constitution?

Gibbs

The Bill of Rights is the first ten, prohibition is eighteen. I'm guessing twenty-three.

Ziva

Twenty-seven!

Gibbs

Nobody likes a smartass, David.

Ziva

Why do I have to study all this and you don't?!

Gibbs

I was born here!

Tony

(on the phone) For the last time, my name is Anthony DiNozzo, Junior. My father is Anthony DiNozzo, Senior. I live in Washington, D.C. He lives in New York City. Is that so complicated? Junior, Senior? Can you follow that?

Ziva

What is going on?

McGee

Tony's trying to withdraw money from a bank in New York, it sounds like they confused his account with one of his father's and he can't get the money.

Tony

Let me get this straight: you want me to spell my name again? Okay. It's big D as in "dimwit", little I as in "idiot", big N as in "nimrod", little O as in "obtuse", double-z as in "ZZ Top"...

Ziva

What does he need the money for?

McGee

Well, he and a couple of his frat buddies decided to take a cruise this spring.

Tony

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!

Tony

I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.

No, I think you're in the right profession.

Tony

All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?

Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --

Ziva

Crime scene photos.

You just need people in them. happy people-

Ziva

living people.

Ziva

A team of Homeland Security officers will be waiting for us when we land. Outside the terminal an NCIS detail will take over.

Not taking any chances in case your new hitman tries something on the ground, huh?

Ziva

Which is why we must consider the possibility they may try something on the plane, where Nora is more vulnerable.

You have reason to believe they're on board?

Ziva

Stationary target. Closed quarters.

A modern day Orient Express.

Ziva

The killer would just need an inconspicuous weapon.

Like what? Listen, I've been doing this for a long while and I doubt that there's anything --

Ziva

Headphone cables make for a perfect garrote, and plastic silverware is not as safe as you might think. I once killed a man using a credit card.

You are so direct. So honest. So different from him.

Ziva

Tony and I have different approaches.

You're complimentary. You're sure you two never --

Ziva

No. Positive. Definitely no. Why do you keep on asking about Tony and I?

You're like me and Daniel. A good fit. Besides, Paris is a romantic city and you two shared a room, so I --

Ziva

I took the couch. Otherwise Tony would have whined the entire flight about his back. [smiles]

McGee

Hey, in Paris, who got stuck with the couch?

Tony

Me. We flipped a coin.

McGee

Tough break. (walks away)

Ziva

Why did you just lie to McGee?

Tony

Why did you lie to Nora?

Tony

Nora was right. I found my favorite picture, and it's the only one with someone in it.

Ziva

[looks down at the picture and smiles, almost blushing]

Tony

Very french new wave, don't you think?

Ziva

Maybe. I think it would look better in black and white.

Tony

First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.

McGee

I was there, too, near the car, you know.

Ziva

We all were.

McGee

But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.

Tony

This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!

McGee

I know!

Tony

Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Ziva

What is that?

Tony

It's a Geiger counter. You can't be too careful.

Ziva

What do you think Corporal Vega was doing at an empty warehouse?

Tony

I don't know. Why don't you pick the lock and find out?

Ziva

We do not have a warrant.

Tony

This building is foreclosed, which means it's owned by the bank, and since the people own the banks I think technically we own the building.

Ziva

Wow.

McGee

Notice anything unusual?

Only that he had about the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen.

Ziva

We heard. From the last two dentists we visited.

Yeah, well, working on him was almost orgasmic.

McGee

Didn't really need to hear that.

His retromolar pad was shaped just like a Renaissance bosom.

Tony

[He is inside the van] Last one to use the van should have to clean it out. Should be a rule.

Ziva

There is.

Tony

Well, who was the last one to use it?

Ziva

You were.

Tony

[Laughs] I don't think so, 'cause it smells like falafels and I know a certain back-up probie agent that smells a little falafely. You wanna' help?

Ziva

Sure.

Tony

Thank you.

Ziva

[Kicks the trash can over to Tony and walks over to Damon Werth]

Probie?

Ziva

Yeah, I'm in the process of becoming a sworn NCIS agent.

Don't you have to be an American citizen to join a federal agency?

Ziva

I'm also in the process of becoming an American citizen.

And I thought you had to be a legal resident for, you know...

Ziva

[Interrupting] There are a few strings being tugged.

Tony

Pulled. Pull strings.

Tug heart strings.

Ziva

The heart has strings?

According to poets.

Tony

Don't confuse the girl. Taken a lot of marionetting to get her this far.

And who's the puppet master?

Ziva

Where are we going?

Not far.

Ziva

And, uh, what are we taking? What's in the truck?

Tony

[In a car outside with McGee, wired in] What's in the truck?

McGee

What is in the truck?

[Opens truck slowly, everyone is waiting on edge]

Ziva

[After seeing the watermelon crates, sounding incredulous] Melons?

Tony

Did she say melons?

McGee

Melons in the truck.

Tony

Melons...

McGee

What are in these melons?

McGee

[opens his eyes to see Tony and Ziva standing in front of his desk] I'm awake.

Ziva

We didn't say anything, McGee.

McGee

But you did something, didn't you? What'd you do?! Did you try and put my hand in this water?

Tony

That's a little juvenile.

McGee

You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face! [looks at his face]

Tony

No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to autopsy so that when you woke up you would think you were dead, but Ziva thought it was in poor taste.

McGee

Well, thank you, Ziva.

All right. She's a triple digit ride, big old pumpkins in there, but don't get tempted. We gotta get on the big slab and you stay to the granny lane and you keep it under the double nickel, even while you're runnin' deadhead. And bird dog on the dash so you don't get shot in the back by bears, you got it?

10-4.

All right, lets roll!

Hey, we gotta pit stop. [Zwed turns around and looks at Werth]

Three quarters of a tank... I don't like to take chances.

GPS tracking puts them in Front Royal in a few hours.

Let's make it quick.

Ziva

Umm, what language was that?

He says she's fast, but not to push her, even when we're drivin' empty. And to uh, watch out for cops.

Ziva

So the truck is a she?

Let's go rob someone.

Tony

All right, McNosy, what do you got?

McGee

From what I can gather, Gibbs and JoAnn Fielding are very estranged.

Ziva

The woman lost her daughter and granddaughter. Now her fiancé died in her arms and her former son-in-law is investigating! Show some sympathy!

Tony

Maybe she's cursed! Like a Kennedy!

McGee

Minus the grassy knoll.

Ziva

I heard about that! The shooter was really in the book suppository!

Tony

Depository.

Ziva

That's what I said.

Tony

Aren't you hot?

Ziva

[smirks] I've been told that before.

Tony

I'm talking about temperature!

Ziva

Stop complaining. This is what winter feels like in Israel.

Tony

Well, we're not in Israel. We're in the good, old U.S. of A, my little immigrant friend, where we like to embrace central air, not melanoma.