Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

[while being handcuffed by Tony] It was self-defense. I wouldn't dare...I was just scaring him, he came at me. I'm telling you, it was self-defense.

Gibbs

You gave him false hope. You murdered a United States Marine. There is no defense for that.

Gibbs

Make it count, skippy!

DiNozzo

Thank you, boss!

Captain Landis, what day are we on?

Eighteen. Only 160 to go.

How does it feel to be back?

My God! Like we never left. Home sweet home! [Suddenly alert] We got a contact ahead. Stop the Humvee!

This is the first time Captain Landis and I met Qasim. We hit an IED during a patrol outside of Kabul.

It is okay. You will be all right.

He pulled us to safety, watched over us until our backup came. He saved our lives.

Tony

When was this?

November 2013. Landis tracked him down a few weeks later, asked Qasim to work alongside us as a translator for the remainder of our deployment.

Gibbs

You ever doubt his intentions?

Never. When you serve alongside someone, you get to know who they really are. Qasim put his life on the line for us every single day. He's family.

Palmer

(re: Abby) Can you imagine what it would be like to actually be on her bad side?

Gibbs

No, I would rather not, thank you very much.

Gibbs

How'd you find my house?

Former detective, remember? I could find a flea on a rat's anus.

[calls] What's in the basement?

Gibbs

Hey! None of your business, come back here!

Is it your naughty room? Want to know my safe word? "Kielbasa."

Jeanne Benoit? Really?

Tony

We're ready to move on. We just don't know where to move to.

Gibbs

There's a town called Pehtok about 35 klicks northwest.

Jeanne

It's barely a town.

Tony

Are you sure the Shilluk are there?

Gibbs

I got a feeling. I'll explain later.

Jeanne

He's got a "feeling"?

Tony

[whispers] Never doubt the Gibbs gut.

Gibbs

Where's Ducky?

Palmer

Uh... that is an interesting question. The answer, uh... what was the question again?

Tony

You're perfectly aware that Gibbs is capable of eating you, right?

Palmer

It's a recurring nightmare, yes.

McGee

You're lurking.

Tony

I'm gathering data.

McGee

Ah, Bishop.

Tony

Yeah, she just got back from Oklahoma. Visiting the fam. Trying to figure out whether Jake's still in the picture or not.

Tony

Still wearing her wedding ring.

McGee

Seems in good spirits.

Tony

She dumped Jake.

McGee

They're still married.

Tony

What?

McGee

What? This Opposite Day or something?

Tony

No, every day is Opposite Day when it comes to a woman. Especially a woman scorned.

McGee

And Jake did some serious scorning.

Tony

He's a dead man. Bishop's the last person you'd expect to slit someone's throat in their sleep.

McGee

Which would make her the first.

Bishop

You know I can hear every word you're saying.

Bishop

It's the skylight. The angle causes an acoustic reflection from the stairs to my desk.

Tony

Really?

Bishop

Mm-hmm, just like Nancy at the Far East desk can hear everything I say.

Tony

Nancy, can you hear me?

McGee

Hey, Nancy.

Tony

Wow. I've been here 15 years, I... That's how he does it.

McGee

How who does what?

Tony

Gibbs. That's how he knows everything we're saying. There must be a sweet spot in this room. A little acoustic......where he can hear every single thing we say. I bet you he comes in here early and he waits, bides his time, like a howler monkey in heat waiting for exactly the right moment to...

Gibbs

Step in and finish your sentence?

Tony

Exactly. Thank you, boss.

Gibbs

Howler monkey?

Tony

Well, yeah. You know, primates are fascinating. I've been watching a lot of Discovery Channel.

Abby

The call was digitally re-routed, and terminated before I got all the details, but Eva is definitely somewhere on the 700 block of K street.

Tony

That's a lot of doors to knock on.

Abby

Yeah, and it's not like one of them's gonna have a sign outside that says "Russian hangout."

...Actually, there is. [everyone looks at him] Tusovka. It's a four-star restaurant known for borscht with caviar and sour cream... [Gibbs and Tony are already moving] ...and for refusing service to anyone who doesn't speak Russian. Tusovka is actually Russian for...

Gibbs

"Hangout."

It's probably just a coincidence.

Gibbs

Or it's a trap.

Eva wouldn't do that... but if she's there, be nice! Please!

Bishop

We've got to shut [the airport] down.

Gibbs

Or not.

Palmer

(wearing Abby's "thinking cap") If we shut it down, then Cross will know we're on to him. If we leave it open, then we know where he'll be. (stops, surprised at himself)

Gibbs

What he said.

Palmer

(to Abby) This thing really works!

Dr. Donald Mallard

Does that famous gut of your have an opinion? Scorned wife or jilted lover?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs

Ah, it's too early, Duck. My gut's overrated.

Dr. Donald Mallard

[to the victim's body] Don't you believe that for a moment.

I am in love with this new sofa. It's like being hugged by a microfiber cloud.

Gibbs

I wouldn't know. I haven't been able to sit in it yet.

McGee

We gotta go. Talk to you on Monday.

Oh, you guys are late to spinning class or something?

Bishop

Uh, no, Gibbs is famous for coming in just before the weekend starts and saying––

Gibbs

[walks into the room] Grab your gear.

McGee

[hopefully] That a well-timed illustration, boss?

Gibbs

[ignores McGee] Got a death in Quantico.

[looking at the photos of the suspects] Who are these people? Living double lives like this?

I mean, yeah, I mean, I-I lived as someone else for most of the last decade, but I had an excuse. I was, uh, I was undercover. [indicates the photos] Which version is the real them?

Gibbs

Which version is the real you?

You're looking at it.

Gibbs

Am I? You created all those covers. It wasn't random.

[laughs] Wait, you're saying that a part of me wanted to be a, uh, mafia-tied, vegan juice-bar owner?

[thinks and shrugs] Eh...