Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Tony

How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?

Gibbs

Autopsy.

Tony

[deadpan] You shot him. I can't say I blame you.

Gibbs

Dorneget, take Mr. DiNozzo down to the break room, get him something to eat.

Yes, sir.

Gibbs

[deadpan]] If he gives you any trouble, shoot him.

He's joking... I think.

Palmer

I agreed to give her father a tour of NCIS while he's in town for the holidays.

Ziva

Well that is nice.

Palmer

Actually I thought Director Vance would nix the idea.

Ziva

You and Breena's dad do not get along?

Palmer

[sits on Gibbs' desk] The last time Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed. And he cried from laughing so hard. And he got really quiet.

Tony

So why is he coming here?

Palmer

Breena wanted us to bond before the wedding. She thinks the main problem with me is my job.

Tony

Autopsy gremlin.

Palmer

Yeah, if we could keep that kind of talk to a minimum while he's here...

Tony

I say it with the utmost respect.

Palmer

I know that, but Ed doesn't. He actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.

Gibbs

[walks in] You are. Get off my desk.

Gibbs

Abs?....Abby?

Abby

Thank goodness it's just you. Jimmy and his Grinch-in-law have been stalking the halls spreading ill will and yuletide yuckness.

Gibbs

[flashes his badge] NCIS.

Yeah I've seen fake credentials before. Hand over your weapons.

Gibbs

There's only one way to get a Marine's weapon.

What'd you know about it? You a leatherneck?

Gibbs

Where do you think I got this haircut?

Listen everyone, I don't want any special treatment. I'm a Marine first and pregnant second.

Gibbs

Oorah.

Oo-right.

Ziva

Well I will gladly take the special treatment. I like mine with extra marshmallows with a little tiny spoon please.

Tony

[annoyed] Who do you think I am? Your elf??

Actually, I'll take one with marshmallows too.

Tony

Thought you said you didn't want any special-- [Gibbs looks at him] Extra marshmallows, coming up!

[panting] Oh boy, the baby's coming!

Ziva

Gibbs, we have company. What do you want to do?

Gibbs

[exhales] Defend our position.

Gibbs

Are you asking for special treatment, Marine?

Sir, yes sir, just this once.

Tony

So I guess you have somewhere else to be.

Gibbs

Yeah? Well, so do you.

Tony

I went. Sat in the car for about twenty minutes debating. I didn't go in. Decided to swing by casa de Gibbs instead.

Gibbs

Well, we all make our own choices, DiNozzo.

Tony

You think I made a mistake?

Gibbs

I think you made it twice now.

Tony

When I joined NCIS I knew what you expected of me: everything. Doesn't exactly leave a lot of room for the Wendys of the world.

Gibbs

You come here to blame me, DiNozzo?

Tony

No boss.

Gibbs

Good.

Tony

Family and job. Two different cups.

Gibbs

That's right

Tony

And if I couldn't fill both, that was my problem.

Gibbs

Uh-huh.

Tony

What if I can now?

Gibbs

Then get out of my basement. Man up and move on.

Tony

Like you have?

Gibbs

Don't be like me. Learn from it.

Gibbs

Keep your partner away from this investigation.

Can't make any guarantees. Nick's a bulldog, always has been.

Gibbs

He that way with his wife?

[chuckles] Come on, I meant with his job. He's the best damn homicide detective we've got.

Tony

Can't break a case without him, huh?

Yeah, pretty much.

Tony

How long you been partners?

Thirteen years. You know, Maya used to say I was his second wife.

Gibbs

That ever a problem?

No, never. He's the only cop I know who was still on his first marriage.

Tony

How about you, Detective? Second? Third?

[sheepishly holds up four fingers] Yeah, not very proud of it. You know, sometimes, I wish I was more like Nick, a one-woman kind of guy.

Gibbs

What were you doing at the crime scene, Detective?

What I've been doing every day for the past thirteen years. I was solving a case.

Gibbs

Wasn't yours to solve.

You know what? I'm not gonna sleep until I find Maya's killer, and I don't trust anybody else to do this job, especially a bunch of Navy cops.

Gibbs

You think we're not doing all we can?

I think you don't have a clue how it feels to lose the one you love.

Gibbs

You're wrong.

Just think of all the cases, all of the lives you've touched, Gibbs. You sacrificed everything to help those people.

Gibbs

But I wanted both.

It doesn't work like that.

Ziva

[mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!

Tony

You finally saw The Crying Game?

Ziva

No. I got a speeding ticket!

Tony

Oh. You know what that means, McGee.

McGee

The system works.

Ziva

I was barely going over the limit!

McGee

Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.

Ziva

Not the entire time.

Tony

Did you tell them you were a federal agent?

Ziva

Excuse me?

Tony

Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!

Ziva

You do that often?

Tony

With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.

McGee

Or paid for parking at football games.

Tony

It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.

Ziva

I do not think Gibbs would approve.

Tony

What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.

Gibbs

What don't I know, DiNozzo?

Tony

Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]

Gibbs

Let's go. Dead Navy captain.

Ziva

Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?

McGee

I'd rather not think about it.

Ducky

Sorry I was late. Been waiting for Mr Palmer to return from an errand. I had to leave without him.

Gibbs

What errand?

Ducky

Breena called. The wedding caterer they planned on using had gone out of business. The sobs almost woke the dead.

McGee

She pretty upset?

Ducky

[deadpan] She wasn't the one crying.

Leon Vance

Agent Gibbs, I'd like you to meet...

Gibbs

[to Wendy] Still working for the Evening Tribune?

The Globe.

Vance

You two know each other...? Oh, please tell me that you weren't married.

Gibbs

No, but we go back.

Vance

Good, that should make things easier. Or worse.