Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

She knew she was pregnant. Any idea about the father?

Tony

She used a pay phone to call him, but his cell was turned off. She said she left a message.

Kate

[laughing to herself] That's your worst nightmare, Tony.

Tony

[taunting] So, how's it going with those letters, Kate?

Kate

I'm working on it. Thanks, Tony.

Gibbs

How long?

Kate

Two days, three tops.

Gibbs

You've got four.

Kate

[surprised] Really?

Gibbs

Hours.

Kate

[deadpan] Sounds about right.

Gibbs

Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]

McGee

Goat rope?

Tony

Marine term, Probie.

Kate

It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee

Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?

You are!

Abby

See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]

Gibbs

Yes.

Abby

I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.

Gibbs

Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?

Abby

That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

Kate

I hate to say it, but that was actually smart, Tony.

Gibbs

What was, Kate?

Kate

Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker.

Gibbs

It's his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?

McGee

What kind of interrogation technique is that?

Gibbs

The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

Gibbs

You find my hacker yet?

Tony

McGee's upstairs working on it.

Gibbs

I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that damn hacker! [walks out the room]

Tony

Did you hear that, Palmer?

Palmer

He sounded pretty upset.

Tony

No. [smiles] He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.

Gibbs

I need you to take a look, Ducky.

Ducky

What do you expect me to find?

Gibbs

Nothing. I just need to buy more time.

Ducky

Oh Jethro. [smiles] I can spend forever finding nothing.

Gibbs

Never had allergies. Never had a cold.

Kate

Never had a cold?

Gibbs

Nope! Never had the flu either.

Kate

Why do I believe that?

Tony

Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Kate

Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

Tony

That's not funny, Kate.

Kate

Yeah, I know.

Tony

This is serious.

Kate

I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

Tony

At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee

You know, it might not be anthrax.

Tony

I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee

It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Tony

Probie!

McGee

...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Tony

Honeydust!

McGee

"Honeydust"?

Tony

Honeydust. I give it to girls.

Tony

Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

Kate

[chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee

I never heard of honeydust.

Kate

Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

Gibbs

It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

Gibbs

Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Tony

Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

Kate

Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee

Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

Tony

The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?

McGee

They do.

Kate

Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Tony

Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!

Gibbs

Unless the post office screwed up again.

Tony

If I get anthrax, how will you feel?

Gibbs

Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.

Gibbs

The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby

You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee

Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...

Abby

I saw that!

Gibbs

Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby

Not while you're down there!

Gibbs

What?!

Tony

Did you go Sake Bombing last night?

Kate

It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?

Tony

Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!

Kate

Would I ask if I...? (thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!

Tony

You take a cup of hot sake, drop it in a beer, you toss it back and... (makes explosion sound)

Kate

(sarcastically) Sake bombing?

Tony

Great for a cold!

Kate

I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks!

Tony

McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!

McGee

Yeah, I don't think I have either.

Tony

I work with a pair of wankers!

Gibbs

And you make three, DiNozzo!

Tony

And a very good morning to you boss!

Gibbs

(whistles to get everyone's attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!

Kate

(calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him and then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!

Gibbs

McGee, you up on procedures?

McGee

Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...

Tony

(pouring water over his hair and face) Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pincushion!

Kate

(hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for Tony's sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!

Tony

I thought you'd never ask...! Sorry, boss!

Ducky

[hugging her] You were brave to stay with him, Kate.

Kate

[sobbing quietly] He's dying, Ducky.

Gibbs

[walks past them] Oh, the hell he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?

Gibbs

His boss. The bug has a suicide gene. It's dead. It's been dead for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (whispers to a very ill Tony) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?

Tony

(weakly) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) You will not die, you got that? (beat) I said, you will not die.

Tony

(whispers) Okay, I got you, Boss.

Gibbs

(whispers) Good. (Gibbs hands Tony his phone.) It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spanky.

Abby

You've gotta get a life, Gibbs.

Gibbs

The last thing I need is another wife!

Abby

[yelling] Life! You gotta get a life!