Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Idiots.

Gibbs

Put your hands behind your head.

[shocked] How did you--

Gibbs

Sneak up on you like that?

[hands on his head] Yeah...

Gibbs

Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead instead of under arrest. Any other questions?

Uh-uh

Gibbs

Didn't think so.

Gibbs

Why did you run?

Because of the pot in my trailer. I got a medical condition.

Gibbs

What?! Stupidity?

Ducky

The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.

Gibbs

She didn't bleed to death.

Ducky

Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.

Gibbs

Ducky...

Ducky

I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him.) Moving on...

Tony

I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...

Kate

Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?

Gibbs

He's heard it. We all have.

Gibbs

(to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.

Tony

I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs

I need the condoms tested.

Abby

Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Gibbs

Paranoid.

Tony

Sounds like someone I know.

Gibbs

Are you done?

Tony

Almost.

Gibbs

Done or fired. Those are your options.

Tony

Done.

Gibbs

DiNozzo!

Kate

I'll wake him up.

Gibbs

No. I got a better idea. (Speeds up then slams on the brakes. Tony is now awake)

Kate

Bad dream, DiNozzo?!

Tony

I... wha... uh... wha...

Gibbs

You done?

Tony

Almost.

Gibbs

"Done" or "fired" are the choices.

Tony

Done.

Abby

You are getting sneakier the older you get!

Gibbs

Not to mention better-looking.

Now that we've learned a bit about recruiting double agents, let's take a moment to consider some of the risks involved. Anybody?

Gibbs

[looks to Tony] DiNozzo, would you like to become left-handed?

Kate

Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony

That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs

[entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee

Yeah.

Gibbs

Call Ducky.

McGee

Got it.

Tony

Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?

Gibbs

No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Gibbs

What about his prints?

Abby

I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee

Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby

[nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Gibbs

[to Tony and McGee] If you two don't start working, I will show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.

Tony

Thank you, boss.