Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Hey! Agent Gibbs! Are you deaf or nuts?!

Gibbs

A little of both.

Tony

I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.

Gibbs

He reminds me of you.

Gibbs

Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.

You... you were never an officer?

Gibbs

Ah, hell no!

I knew there was something I liked about you.

You conned me, Gunny.

Gibbs

Nah. Would I do that to you?

You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?

Iwo Jima, no.

[wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...

Guadalcanal.

Gibbs

[takes Kate aside] Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.

Kate

Got a Social Security number?

Gibbs

They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.

Kate

So how am I supposed to get his SRB without a serial number.

Gibbs

Well, Kate, you can ask him.

Kate

Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his--

Gibbs

Corporal Yost!

Yo!

Gibbs

Serial number!

330090, sir!

Gibbs

Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients...

Gibbs

You don't win the Medal of Honor, Kate, you're awarded it for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.

Abby

This weapon is circa early 1940s.

Gibbs

Year or two before I joined the Corps. [smiles at Abby]

Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.

Gibbs

The older they are, the sneakier they are!

Kate

Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every ten minutes. We gave up escorting him and one time he just didn't come back.

McGee

Found a window open. He must've shimmied down that drain pipe.

[sarcastically] Ah, I'd liked to have seen that.

Gibbs

We think the weak bladder was a trick to get us to let down our guard.

Kate

We're sick about it, Commander.

Yes I can see that you all look absolutely devastated.

McGee

I put out an APB. Airports, train stations, taxi cabs...walker rentals...

Gibbs

Look at him, Commander, in agony over something he didn't do.

How do you know?

Gibbs

[looks at Cdr Coleman] Ever been in combat?

No.

Gibbs

The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in?

God only knows.

Gibbs

Well, he had better tell me 'cause I don't understand and neither does Yost.

Abby

So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.

Gibbs

Is that a band?

Abby

Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Gibbs

Don't waste my time, Abbs.

Abby

If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.

Gibbs

Doubt it...

Abby

I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.

Gibbs

Yeah? I bet you won't.

Abby

She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.

Abby

Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.

Gibbs

Or it just means he's never been caught.

Abby

[resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.

Gibbs

Break out the gear. I'll coordinate with the MPs. [hands coffee to Tony] You drink that, DiNozzo, you're dead.

Tony

[hands Gibbs' coffee to an oblivious McGee] Coffee, Probie. Looks like you could use it.

McGee

Oh. Thanks, Tony.

Tony

Don't mention it. [smiles as he walks away]

McGee

[to Kate] I think he's finally starting to warm up to me.

Gibbs

Enjoying that coffee, McGee?

McGee

Uh, yeah.

Gibbs

It's not too hot?

McGee

[embarrassed] It's your coffee. I'm sorry Boss. I'll get you another one. [turns to Kate and Tony] Thanks.

Kate

Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule 23.

Tony

Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?

Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.

Tony

[laughs at McGee] Yeah.

Tony

Dead man walking!

Let me guess, you take it black, Agent Gibbs? Marines always do. What about you Agent McGee? Cream and sugar?

McGee

Uh, you know what, I still have to take some photos outside, so maybe later but thank you. [hurriedly leaves]

Is he old enough to be an NCIS agent?

Gibbs

[deadpan] I ask myself that everyday.

Gibbs

Abs, do you have him?

Abby

[smug] Are you seriously asking me that?

Gibbs

[deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

McGee

Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.

Gibbs

Yeah. Did it work?

McGee

Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.

Gibbs

McGee... Good job.

Ducky

Do you suspect foul play?

Gibbs

Well, you know me, Ducky. I suspect everything.

Ducky

Yes, that's an admirable trait for an investigator. And also, I suspect, the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.

Gibbs

Really? And all this time, I thought it was because I'm a bastard.