Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

[describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.

Tony

[in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too?

Ducky

As they say in the high country markets of Sri Lanka, there's more than one way to skin a mongoose. Actually there are three...

Gibbs

[interrupts Ducky] Ducky!

Tony

[shocked to find McGee sitting at Gibbs' desk] McGee! Are you nuts?

McGee

What?

Tony

You're at Gibbs' desk touching his computer! That's like touching the Ark of the Covenant!

McGee

Gibbs knows I'm doing this.

Tony

He said you could use his computer?

McGee

[nods head] Uh-huh.

Tony

Really? You know when mine fried he wouldn't let me touch his.

Gibbs

[walks into squad room] Because your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.

Gibbs

What if I wanted to get into that account?

Kate

(shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.

Gibbs

We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?

Kate

Hack into the servers.

Kate

Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.

Gibbs

You're welcome.

Gibbs

He stay at your place?

Abby

Yup.

Gibbs

You sleep in the coffin, McGee?

McGee

Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.

Abby

Well... it is! Sort of...

McGee

That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.

Abby

...Not just slept.

John, Ag Department.

Kate

Kate, NCIS.

Hi... really?

Kate

Yes. Why?

I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.

Kate

You are?

Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.

Kate

What NCIS do you think I'm with?

National Crop Insurance Service.

Gibbs

That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.

Kate

That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn losses affect pork belly futures?"

Gibbs

Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie.

Tony

McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.

Gibbs

Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?

Tony

Up to my knees?

Gibbs

I see you're familiar with this particular creek.

Tony

I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.

Gibbs

What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?

Tony

That's not fair, Boss.

Gibbs

War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?

Tony

Yes, Boss. Can I say something?

Gibbs

Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!

Tony

It does.

Gibbs

Then speak!

Tony

Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.

Tony

Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?

Gibbs

The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?

Tony

Because we don't know his name?

Gibbs

Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!

Kate

[regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?

Gibbs

He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.

Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.

Gibbs

If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are you asking me this and not my director?

He refused to.

Gibbs

[finally laughs] Yeah.

Abby

Would you be any less grumpy if you slept in a bed?

Gibbs

No!

Abby

I didn't think so!

Gibbs

You have any idea where thinking like this is going to lead you?

Tony

Yeah, do you, McGee?

Gibbs

Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony. It looks like he could use a workout.

Kate

Don't let him intimidate you, McGee, that's my job today.

Gibbs

[smashing cell phone on desk] God, I hate this thing! It's crap!

Kate

There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.

Gibbs

See? [holds up smashed phone] There's a reason I didn't trust these things. [tosses it to McGee] Here, reboot that or something. [to Kate] Send her up.

McGee

Reboot it?

Kate

Or you can do what we always do.

Tony

It's his third one this month.

Abby

[as her computer fizzles and crashes] NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!

McGee

System's over-heated.

Gibbs

So reboot it.

Abby

Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.

Gibbs

[brightly, holding up cell phone] Works for me.

Tony

Delivery complete.

Gibbs

That's good work, Tony.

Tony

Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.

Gibbs

If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Gibbs

McGee, where are you going?

McGee

Uh, Norfolk.

Gibbs

Well, I got some good news, and some bad news for you. You've just been promoted. [holds up envelope with McGee's promotion] To a full-time field agent.

McGee

Really? That's incredible! What's-

Gibbs

You belong to me now.

Kate

Congratulations!

Tony

Yeah, what she said.

McGee

So, I-I'm one of you guys now, right? No more hazing?

Sure.

McGee

Well, I-I just want to say that I never took it personal and I--

Tony

You know I could really get used to that.