Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Abby

(about the security guard's excuse for losing his card) He said his dog ate it!

Gibbs

(laughs) That didn't work for me in 6th grade!

Abby

(stares) Well, you're a late bloomer, Gibbs. It didn't work me in the 2nd!

Tony

The defense lawyer told me to "shove it". The message was actually delivered by his assistant, but he's sure it was verbatim.

Gibbs

I want him here DiNozzo.

Tony

Boss he's no longer a JAG. He's a $400-an-hour Beltway lawyer. (pauses awkwardly) With really nice shoes!

Gibbs

DiNozzo, I don't care! I don't care if he's wearing Armani, Prada or Ermen-something-Zenga...get his ass here!

Tony

Ermenegildo Zegna, Boss. Just so you know!

I'm gonna own your house Agent DiNozzo!

Tony

[sarcastically] I rent.

[loudly] You know what the federal minimums are for aggravated assault on the cover of authority, kidnapping, false imprisonment...?!

Tony

[leads him to Gibbs' desk] Well, ya know. I don't, but I'm sure my boss Special Agent Jethro Gibbs does.

Gibbs

[smirks] Very subtle DiNozzo.

Tony

[smiles at the defense lawyer] Shooting him just seems so ham-fisted.

Gibbs

[deadpan] Whatever it takes.

Gibbs

Uncuff him, DiNozzo, so he can say hi to an old friend!

Faith

I prefer him in cuffs!

I wish I'd known that when we were at JAG!

Gibbs

You testified on his behalf at the trial. You certainly seemed to be sympathetic to his situation.

Situation?

Gibbs

Coming home and finding his wife in the bedroom with another guy?

Well, wouldn't that bother you?

Gibbs

Oh yeah. It bothered me a hell of a lot. Only I chose divorce over murder.

Kate

I didn't know that!

Tony

He's lying. Establishing rapport through shared communication.

Kate

You sure he's lying?

Tony

Of course I'm-- [pauses] Not.

Gibbs

I was coming home from a three-month float in the Med. Not six months in a war zone.

McGee

Uh sorry. Can I see you for a second, Boss?

Tony

[stunned] Oh, I can't believe I'm seeing what I'm seeing.

Gibbs

Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Tony

[smiles] I don't know Boss. Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Gibbs

[grins] Yeah.

Abby

Amanda is Voss!

Gibbs

[shocked] She's a he?!

Kate

[stunned] Oh my god, Tony's on a date with a guy.

Kate

I thought you couldn't type.

Tony

I decided to improve myself.

Kate

Well, in that case, you might want to lose that shirt. It went out of style three years ago.

Tony

This from a girl who keeps a puka shell necklace in her purse.

Kate

My grandma gave me those. Wait, you looked in my purse?

Tony

Sorry, did I say that out loud?

Kate

Tony, you were so lucky you didn't have sisters growing up.

Tony

Why is that?

Kate

Because you never have reached puberty. Of course one could argue you still haven't reached it. Very professional.

Tony

It's my lunch break.

Kate

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Tony

I'm on Greenwich Mean Time.

Kate

Well, you're gonna be on unemployment if Gibbs catches you doing that.

Gibbs

[walks in] Catch him doing what, Kate? [Kate quickly switches his game off while Tony grabs a stack of papers and pretends to be busy]

Kate

Nothing. I was just giving Tony here some fashion advice.

Gibbs

On what?

Kate

Oh, he was just thinking about... getting both of his ears pierced. [Tony glares at her]

Gibbs

That right, DiNozzo?

Tony

I think Kate misunderstood, Boss. What I was really talking about was elongating the lobe, which is a surgery…

Gibbs

Hey, you wanna look like a gay pirate, that's your call. [Tony grimaces]

Tony

[mouths] Thanks.

Kate

[mouths] You're welcome. I thought you were going to an anti-terrorism conference today, Gibbs.

Gibbs

Change in plans. Marine gunnery sergeant didn't show up for duty this week.

Tony

Since when do we track down U.A. Marines?

Gibbs

Since he's one of a handful of people who knows how to arm small-yield nuclear weapons. His SRB. You have 45 minutes to memorize it. And Tony? If that game is still on your computer in the morning, I'll pierce your ears myself.

Kate

You were pretty tough on her in there.

Gibbs

Yeah...she reminds me of my ex-wife.

Tony

Which one?

Gibbs

All of them.

Tony

Rush hour. A misnomer if you ask me.

Gibbs

[deadpan] I didn't.

Tony

It's not like anybody's rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it--

Gibbs

Shut-up-and-sit-there-before-I-shoot-you hour.

Tony

I was thinking of something a little shorter.

Tony

That's littering.

Gibbs

Fine me.

Tony

Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?!

Kate

'Cause you just hate us?

Gibbs

I hate traffic more!

Kate

Look, just don't take any chances, ok? I mean, if we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose.

Tony

Aww. Here I was thinking you didn't care.

Kate

It's not about caring. If anything happens to you, I'm gonna be stuck working here with Gibbs alone.

Tony

It's not that bad. A little grumpy sometimes--

Gibbs

[from the back of the squad room] Hey! DiNozzo! You still here?

Tony

Then again you may be onto something there.

Tony

Gibbs.

Gibbs

What's up?

Tony

Sacco's just left the bar. I'm-- [Tony stumbles as his vision gets blurry. Turning, he realizes he's been drugged] Uh...Uhh...I'm not feeling so well.

Gibbs

Tony? You okay? [Kate looks up from her paperwork]

Tony

I think I screwed up, boss. [Tony falls on his stomach, dropping the phone. Tony tries to use his car as leverage to stand, but the drugs have affected him.]

Gibbs

Hey! DiNozzo, can you hear me?

Gibbs

Hey, Tony!

Gibbs

Tony! Tony, can you hear me?! We're coming for you!

Tony

Admit it. You were worried about me, right?. You don't have to say anything. I know. [Gibbs pretends to ignore him] Ok, I want you to say it. You care, right?

Tony

So, you're saying you don't care?

Gibbs

Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable. [smiles]

Tony

I knew it. I knew behind the whole Marine thing you really are heart.

Gibbs

[to McGee] Forget about it, McGee. He's still alive.

Kate

It's 6:30 in the morning! How can you eat that stuff?

Gibbs

(with his mouth full) Practice!

Tony

You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you?

Gibbs

Nah.

Tony

You had a plan, right?

Gibbs

[unconvincingly] Yeah.