Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

McGee

If you don't want to talk to me, fine. But Gibbs is going to have questions and he's not going to be nice about it, trust me.

I think you forget that I staged a sit-in with Gloria Steinham at our nation's capital and spent seven nights in prison, or jail really. After the Selma riots in '65...

McGee

...and three in Chicago after the '68 convention.

And I think I can handle this Gibbs person.

Tony

Genghis Khan couldn't handle Gibbs. You should talk to your grandson, Penny.

McGee

I think we should have waited for Gibbs.

Tony

No time. Sportelli said he was conscious. We don't know for how long. Now listen, when we get in the room you let me do the talking.

McGee

Why?

Tony

The Cooler has evaded the FBI for years. Getting him to tell us who took out the hit on Commander Brett is going to take a deft hand.

McGee

Oh, and that's you? [Tony nods] You didn't even know who The Cooler was until I told you!

Tony

Neither did Ziva!

Ziva

[phone rings] David.

Tony

Can Brett hear you?

Ziva

Yes, of course.

Tony

Are you sitting down?

Ziva

What is it?

Tony

Put on your most Mossad ninja face. No reaction. Brett is George Kaplan. They are one in the same person.

Ziva

[falsely cheerful] Oh really? So what's the plan?

Tony

Gibbs wants you to hang in there until we know more. Don't let him out of your sight, like you did last time?

Ziva

[laughs] Nice. Well, I'll wait for you to call me back then, sweetheart.

Tony

Good luck.

Ziva

Doesn't he know they do not take the trash out on weekends?! Why does he order the same stinky take-out from the same stinky place?!

McGee

Because it's the only place open on Saturday at 2am.

Tony

He's working weekends. Did he call you guys over the weekend too?

Twice.

Tony

About work that we could've done today.

Yeah!

McGee

Isn't 16 hours a day enough for him? Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I'm just not married to it you know.

Tony

Wait. I think I have a solution!

Ziva

What? A pet for Gibbs? A new hobby?

Tony

A new woman.

Borin

That is the last thing he needs. Grab your gear!

Tony

I think Gibbs and Borin make a great couple. Just think of all the fun they'd have giving each other head slaps.

Ziva

Head slaps are not very romantic Tony.

Tony

They can be. In the right context.

Tony

Ducky, what do you think? Gibbs and Borin, date mate material?

Ducky

Given their combined work ethics, they'd probably never see each other. Which could be a recipe for the world's shortest courtship or extreme longevity.

Tony

So nobody's with me on Team Bibbs?

Borin

[walks in] No.

Tony

We can change the name.

Borin

I should change the subject DiNozzo.

Tony

At least let him grill you a steak in his fireplace while watching black-and-white television. [Borin laughs] It's more charming than you think.

Borin

I'll pass.

McGee

Tony, don't take this the wrong way but you smell like the hot cheerleader in my high school homeroom.

Borin

That White Diamond DiNozzo?

Tony

Farid spilled his laundry detergent all over the place. I got some on my pants...

McGee

Let me call Abby and see if she's got something to remove that.

Vance

Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo, please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.

Tony

We were just..er..reexamining the very special bond between the Navy and the Coast Guard, sir.

Tony

Is it possible we've done something right for Gibbs? What if it upsets the space-time continuum and sends the earth hurtling towards the sun?

Tony

Boss, we found the perfect woman for you and we would like you to ask her out.

Gibbs

Who? [points to screen] Dusty? Nice lady. Great cook.

Tony

[stares at Gibbs] Did you read that on the screen?

Gibbs

No. I dated her.

McGee

So what was wrong with her, Boss?

Gibbs

Nothing. She's perfect.

Borin

Perfect. What happened?

Gibbs

There's nothing more boring than perfect. [laughs, they all stare at him]

Ziva

Ugh.

Tony

You know it's too early when there's no one even here to make coffee.

Ziva

Does that mean you made some?

Tony

Oh yeah, and I made some nice muffins too. Get 'em while they're piping hot.

Ziva

You should have got some on the way in.

Tony

Who had the time? I got the pre-dawn wake-up call after a 2:00 A.M. night, no less.

McGee

Anyone know what's up?

Tony

Oh hey, Timmy. Yeah, Gibbs wants to get a jump on Jimmy's bridal registry. Ziva's thinking his and hers salad tongs.

Ziva

At the moment I can think of nothing but coffee.

McGee

The victim is a naval reservist. Lieutenant Jason Simms, 44, from Fairfax. Witnesses say he was swerving all over the road, clearly drunk, pulled off onto the shoulder over there.

Gibbs

Did you get a time?

McGee

A little over three hours ago.

Ducky

Tony? [holds man's wristwatch up so Tony can take a photograph] 4:19 to be precise. The truck tapped his wrist, apparently.

Ziva

Being drunk is one thing, but why would he have crossed the road?

Tony

Suppressing chicken joke in three, two --

Tony

[speaks to woman delivering office mail] Hey there, Jen. You know, you are doing a great job. Keep it up you'll be a special agent in no time.

McGee

A little young, Tony.

Tony

Ease up, Nanny McPheeble. I'm just giving the kid a little vote of confidence.

Ziva

Yeah, McGee. If Tony was flirting he would be complimenting her blouse, not her work ethic.

Tony

See? Ziva knows.

Ziva

What we just witnessed here was a pathetic attempt to cultivate new sources for office gossip.

Tony

That is completely unfair!

Gibbs

Life isn't fair, DiNozzo. That's why we're here.

Ziva

What is going on?

Tony

I found fifteen hairs in my shower drain this morning. I tell you this because you're my friends and I need you. For twelve years, every morning I have counted the hairs in my drain and there have never been more than five. Never more than five. Never!

McGee

Every day?

Ziva

For the last twelve years?

Tony

You say that like it's not normal.

Ziva

Well that is because it's not normal.

Tony

What's not normal is a man of my vim and vigor going bald!

Ziva

Well, bald can be sexy.

Tony

Sure, if you're Connery or Nicholson. Would you date a bald man?

Ziva

I have dated men with thinning hair, yes.

Tony

Haha! Thinning hair, but not -- [makes squeaky noise] -- Baldy McBald. Hi, Special Agent Baldy McBald, want to go to Mount Baldy this weekend to do bald things? Bald!!

Ziva

You two are being ridiculous. Everyone's hair thins. It's barely noticeable! It's not like you're going gray. [realizes Gibbs is standing behind her]

Tony

I'm so glad that wasn't me.

Ziva

[to Gibbs] Gray can be sexy. [watches as Gibbs walks away to answer his phone and shoots Tony a dirty look]

Tony

[whispers] Lucky.

Ziva

Something's on your mind. I can see your wheels churning.

Tony

Butter churns, David. Wheels turn.

McGee

The witnesses on the ground are telling the same story. There was an explosion and the plane began an immediate descent. [notices Tony's seriousness] What's with him?

Ziva

He's thinking.

Tony

This isn't the case du jour, you know. This is life calling collect saying, "Hey, I'm short. Appreciate me."

Gibbs

There. Isolate the background.

Tony

What is that, Farsi?

Ziva

It's Pashtu.

Tony

Number nine on the David language list? Our very own beauty of Berlitz?

Ziva

I think of Pashtu as more of number seven, actually.

Tony

I hate libraries.

McGee

Another one of your fears?

Tony

Don't mock me.

McGee

What's to hate about libraries?

Tony

The smell gets me every time.

McGee

Yeah? What does a library smell like?

Tony

Lonely, smart people. [laughs]