Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

Salads are not stakeout food.

Ziva

Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.

Tony

[offers an onion ring] Want one?

Ziva

No!

Tony

Your loss.

Ziva

Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?

Tony

No.

Ziva

[sighs] Are you sure he knows?

Tony

He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.

Ziva

Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.

Tony

Elephant.

Ziva

Huh?

Tony

It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.

Tony

I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?

Gibbs

Rule number twelve.

Tony

Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.

Gibbs

My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.

Tony

No offense, but my personal life is my business.

Gibbs

It's going to effect your work.

Tony

No, it won't.

Gibbs

It already has.

Tony

I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.

Gibbs

I depend on you.

Tony

Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?

You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.

Tony

Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.

You're scared of him.

Tony

[nods] Yep!

I'm not.

Tony

You should be.

Tony

[reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?

Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.

Tony

Wendy asked me out, remember?

See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.

Tony

I plan to be safely married by then.

Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.

Tony

You need to get that?

Gibbs

No. My wife.

Gibbs

[phones rings again] Ah, I gotta get this one.

Tony

Is that your wife again?

Gibbs

Divorce lawyer.

Tony

Maybe being a cop isn't for me. [Gibbs smacks Tony on the head, to his surprise] Did you just physically assault me?

Gibbs

I don't have a lot of rules, but rule number five is 'you don't waste good.' You're good.

Tony

You gonna make a habit of that?

Ziva

There is always another monster.

Tony

Yep.

Ziva

I mean, we pursue them, but we just keep making targets of ourselves.

Tony

Better us than someone who didn't sign up for it.

Ziva

I don't think I can take anymore. [steps into Tony's arms]

Tony

Hey, we're going to get him, okay?

Tony

[motions with his arm] Bring it in.

Why didn't he kill me? I was fighting like hell, but why didn't he do it right there?

Tony

You were a message, not a victim. Consider yourself lucky.

Levin's dead. Cade may not make it. They were my responsibility. Where exactly is the luck in that? You think Gibbs would have let Cobb leave Europe? You think any of this would have happened if anybody else had been leading the case.

Tony

Stop beating yourself up. We've all lost people in the field. You're a good agent.

Am I?

Tony

What do you mean the security camera's not working?

McGee

I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.

Tony

Isn't that illegal?!

Gibbs

Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.

Tony

How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?

Tony.

Tony

Sorry.

We're all worried about Ziva.

Tony

I know. It's just different for some of us.

[looking at Cobb sitting in interrogation] This isn't right. It's too easy.

Tony

He knows where Ziva is. There's nothing easy about it.

Cobb's playing us.

Tony

Playing Leroy Jethro Gibbs? The guy must have a death wish.

What does he want?

Tony

Rule 16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.

Ziva

I do not know what you are investigating, and I do not need to know, but ever since we lost Levin and Franks and EJ left, NCIS has been through a lot. We have been through a lot. We need some time.

Tony

We. As you in you and me?

Ziva

That's not what I meant.

Tony

Well what did you mean then, Ziva?

Ziva

All I'm saying is, look out for yourself. Please.

Why do you think you keep getting involved with dysfunctional women?

Tony

[angrily] What?

Well, the women you date are messed up.

Tony

I date all kinds of women!

You know, I think you're drawn to them because you want to help them.

Tony

I am drawn to them because usually they're pretty hot!

Tony. Admit it. You like hot girls who carry guns.

Tony

Who doesn't like hot girls who carry guns?!

Tony

How old do you guys think I am?

Ziva

Physically or mentally?

Tony

Next time why don't you just shoot the driver?

Ziva

Next time I will!

Tony

McGee's old man is the legend, right? Called him the Great Santini

Ziva

Wait a minute. He's a magician? I thought he was a Navy admiral?

Tony

The movie, Ziva. [Ziva rolls her eyes] The Great Santini starring the great Robert Duvall, who played the ruthless military pilot and brutal family man "Bull" Meechum.

McGee

Please don't...

Tony

[impersonating Duvall, who, as noted, plays Meechum in the movie] "There's those that has got 'em...and those that don't! [...] Gonads, Son! Big brass ones!"

McGee

And there it is. [Ziva smiles]

Tony

Kinda makes sense that you'd end up working for Gibbs, McMeechum.

McGee

There are similarities.

Tony

He's got big brass ones. They're like bowling balls.

Ziva

That is disgusting.

McGee

Talking about tough love tactics, Tony. The veneer of impenetrability.

Tony

The skill of turning one word into a rallying cry.

Gibbs

Gear up!

Tony

[to McGee] I guess that's two words isn't it.

Gibbs

Is something funny DiNozzo?!

Tony

No boss! Grabbing my gear!