Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?

Gibbs

Autopsy.

Tony

[deadpan] You shot him. I can't say I blame you.

Tony

Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.

Abby

What are you talking about?

Tony

You know, that thing you're working on for him.

Abby

Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are sealed.

Tony

[scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm desperate, Abby.

Abby

I'm sorry. [hugs Tony]] Now leave and consider yourself banished.

Tony

[attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's this?

Abby

Your father's urine.

Tony

I'm going.

Tony

Listen, I just need two minutes with my dad, okay?

[through a mouthful of cake] Uh-uh, no way! Special Agent Gibbs told me not to let anyone in, especially you. You didn't think you could buy me off with a piece of cake, did you?

Tony

No! Gibbs will never find out, how's he gonna find out?

I'd have to tell him.

Tony

Well, then I guess I'd have to tell him about your little antics at the Halloween party last month with Susan Grady from Polygraph, down in the copy room, huh? She was dressed as a nun, and you were dressed as... Leroy Jethro Gibbs, with the little silver wig.

Nobody knew about that.

Tony

I know. De Niro, DiNozzo. "I'm watching."

Palmer

I agreed to give her father a tour of NCIS while he's in town for the holidays.

Ziva

Well that is nice.

Palmer

Actually I thought Director Vance would nix the idea.

Ziva

You and Breena's dad do not get along?

Palmer

[sits on Gibbs' desk] The last time Ed and I talked was when I asked for his permission to marry Breena. He laughed. And he cried from laughing so hard. And he got really quiet.

Tony

So why is he coming here?

Palmer

Breena wanted us to bond before the wedding. She thinks the main problem with me is my job.

Tony

Autopsy gremlin.

Palmer

Yeah, if we could keep that kind of talk to a minimum while he's here...

Tony

I say it with the utmost respect.

Palmer

I know that, but Ed doesn't. He actually thinks I'm stuck in some government job which pays too little and requires too many hours.

Gibbs

[walks in] You are. Get off my desk.

Listen everyone, I don't want any special treatment. I'm a Marine first and pregnant second.

Gibbs

Oorah.

Oo-right.

Ziva

Well I will gladly take the special treatment. I like mine with extra marshmallows with a little tiny spoon please.

Tony

[annoyed] Who do you think I am? Your elf??

Actually, I'll take one with marshmallows too.

Tony

Thought you said you didn't want any special-- [Gibbs looks at him] Extra marshmallows, coming up!

Tony

Ya know, Wendy used to make the most kick-ass snickerdoodle.

McGee

I'm gonna start with a series of true or false statements.

[stares at Tony and McGee] What are you talking about?

Tony

Just think of it like lie detector test, with cookies. You just have to sit there and eat.

Tony

So I guess you have somewhere else to be.

Gibbs

Yeah? Well, so do you.

Tony

I went. Sat in the car for about twenty minutes debating. I didn't go in. Decided to swing by casa de Gibbs instead.

Gibbs

Well, we all make our own choices, DiNozzo.

Tony

You think I made a mistake?

Gibbs

I think you made it twice now.

Tony

When I joined NCIS I knew what you expected of me: everything. Doesn't exactly leave a lot of room for the Wendys of the world.

Gibbs

You come here to blame me, DiNozzo?

Tony

No boss.

Gibbs

Good.

Tony

Family and job. Two different cups.

Gibbs

That's right

Tony

And if I couldn't fill both, that was my problem.

Gibbs

Uh-huh.

Tony

What if I can now?

Gibbs

Then get out of my basement. Man up and move on.

Tony

Like you have?

Gibbs

Don't be like me. Learn from it.

[looking down at a case of guns] All I wanted for breakfast was the coffee.

Tony

Now we're ready for a fair fight.

Always good to be prepared.

Tony

I've been prepared for months. With Cole on the loose, it's time to bring out some Connery, and I'm paraphrasing: never bring a knife to a gun fight.

James Bond?

Tony

Untouchables, 1987. Connery won an Academy Award for that.

Tony

You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate them.

She does, Tony.

Tony

Who?

Ziva.

Tony

[laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a cinema classic.

I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.

Tony

What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.

Yeah?

Tony

We're teammates.

Uh-huh.

Tony

We have each other's back.

Exactly.

Tony

Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.

Ziva

So, EJ is gone?

Tony

And safe, for a change.

Ziva

May I ask where?

Tony

Someplace quiet, with someone she can count on. Hopefully.

Ziva

That is the word, is it not? Hopefully. Even when you think you can count on someone, you often cannot.

Tony

Do I detect a blip on the Ray-dar?

Ziva

I would rather not discuss it.

Tony

Well, since EJ and I parted friends, Agent Cruz seems to have some communication issues.

Ziva

Yeah, and I'm losing my patience.

Tony

As you well should. [walks over to her desk] You know, you and I, we have a lot in common in that respect.

Ziva

[laughs] You think?

Tony

Oh, I don't think. I know.

Ziva

Well, then I am grateful to have someone in my life who is just as romantically dysfunctional as I am.

Tony

Agent David, do you really consider me to be in your life? [Ziva looks down at her mobile phone as it rings] No. Seriously?

Ziva

What should I say?

Tony

Say hello.

Ziva

Oh, Ok

Tony

According to Abby's GPS coordinates, the killer was standing over there. Can't see any footprints.

Ziva

Yeah, knew not to leave a trace.

Tony

Yeah, unlike some people. You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes.

Ziva

Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray!

Tony

Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray.

Ziva

Unbelievable! You're supposed to be on my side.

Tony

Now look. The guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?

Ziva

Just stay out of it!

Tony

Tell me what happened.

Ziva

He does not appreciate me. There.

Tony

If I had a dollar every time a woman said that to me.

Ziva

While he was overseas, you know, we stayed as connected as best as we could. Trying to make whatever we had, you know, just work. Now he was finally back and, uh, we planned this -- this lovely dinner, but he never showed, Tony. I waited in that restaurant, alone, for three hours. No text, no call, nothing. [sighs] When I saw him next, it was the following morning, and then he just said he got caught up with work.

Tony

Well.

Ziva

Look it just brought me back to when I was young how my father could be. There was always something more important and I was always left waiting for a...

Ziva

There's someone there.

Tony

Yeah.

Gibbs

Keep your partner away from this investigation.

Can't make any guarantees. Nick's a bulldog, always has been.

Gibbs

He that way with his wife?

[chuckles] Come on, I meant with his job. He's the best damn homicide detective we've got.

Tony

Can't break a case without him, huh?

Yeah, pretty much.

Tony

How long you been partners?

Thirteen years. You know, Maya used to say I was his second wife.

Gibbs

That ever a problem?

No, never. He's the only cop I know who was still on his first marriage.

Tony

How about you, Detective? Second? Third?

[sheepishly holds up four fingers] Yeah, not very proud of it. You know, sometimes, I wish I was more like Nick, a one-woman kind of guy.

Tony

You know, you should let McGee take care of that tech stuff.

Ziva

I can handle it, Tony, thank you. Why is this thing not even turning on?

Tony

It's okay to ask for help, you know.

Ziva

Do not need help, Tony. I am fine.

Tony

Uh-huh. I can see that. Give it to me. [She gives tony her cell phone.] Listen, don't beat yourself up. There's no way you could have seen it coming, no way any of us could have seen it coming. You'll find somebody, someday.

Ziva

I'm not sure I want to. I don't think children and marriage are a part of the plan for me right now and I am fine with that. Perfectly. Perfectly content with my life.

Tony

Content, but are you happy?

Ziva

Are you?

Tony

Detective Buress.

Sorry. I, uh, I know it's late. I just needed to hear you say it in person. You guys got the guy who killed Mia?

Tony

Yeah, it's over. We, uh, apprehended him this afternoon.

I'm not asking how, Agent Dinozzo, I'm asking who.

Ziva

His name is Ray Cruz and he will never, ever hurt anyone again.

Thank you for all you've done. Guess you Navy cops aren't so bad.

Tony

Gee, thanks. Walk you out?

Yeah, yeah sure. So, how long you two been together?

Ziva

'[laughs] Oh no, we're not a couple.

Tony

Just co-workers.

Ziva

And friends.

Tony

Yes, yes. Very good friends.

That's good. That's, uh, real good. You hang on to that. You never know when you're gonna need somebody to be there. Cherish each other, that's all I'm sayin'. Every day.

Tony

[standing at McGee's desk] This is definitely unusual.

Ziva

Unusual is the operative word.

McGee

[walks in out of the elevator] What are you two doing?

Tony

Don't play dumb, Tim. We're trained federal agents. We can see when something's up.

Ziva

And something is definitely up.

McGee

What are you two talking about?

Tony

The two computer monitors on your desk have been swapped. No one just up and changes their viewing angle. Something is up, McAnal Probie.

McGee

My monitors? That's what you're worried about?

Tony

We're not big on change around here.

McGee

Well I thought I would try something a little different today.

Tony

What makes today so special?

Ziva

We know that look, McGee. It is somewhere between melancholy and constipation.

Tony

Consternation.

Ziva

No, I actually meant that his mind looked clogged.

Tony

[going through the trash] This can't be good. He cleaned out his desk, too.

Ziva

[whispers loudly, having seen McGee approach] Albatross! Albatross! [moves quickly to the large monitor, as though working]

Tony

Petty Officer Janet McCaffrey had a spotless record.

Ziva

Two deployments on two different ships: the Ontario and the Gentry.

McGee

[looking on suspiciously] So it's finally happened: you two are snooping together, as a team.

Ziva

We are merely curious and concerned.

Tony

Well, it's nothing you need to know about.