Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

You're not taking the elevator?

McGee

Nope. Took the stairs. It's all about the cardio these days.

Tony

You have been looking increasingly Kate Mossius there McTim. What are you down? Two? Three pounds?

McGee

Fifteen pounds actually and thank you for noticing.

Ziva

Are you letting some blond bombshell baste your bird, Tony?

Tony

No, this bird's flying solo to a poker tournament at the Big Bend Indian Casino. They've got an all-you-can-eat crab buffet.

McGee

Pilgrims and Indians gambling together. That warms the heart.

Ziva

[to Ducky] What about your mother, Ducky?

Ducky

Mother is comfortable, thank you. Staff take good care of her. Oh dear, she barely recognizes me when I visit. Well then. That leaves me with a twenty-pound bird and enough trimmings to feed Cox's Army.

Gibbs

DiNozzo, you're with me.

Tony

Satler Institute? Oh, Boss, shouldn't McSmarty Pants go to the nerd theme park?!

McGee

It's freezing this morning.

Tony

Man up, chilly willy. Feel that warm blood coursing through your veins. Get in touch with your inner McGrizzly Adams.

McGee

Well I've got hand warmers.

Tony

Give me one.

McGee

No.

Ziva

I'm not cold at all.

Tony

You're coldblooded David, like a lady Komodo dragon; ice queen, frigid and deadly.

Ziva

And I remembered to wear my thermal underwear.

Tony

I'll give you fifty bucks for it right now.

Ziva

It wouldn't fit. You're too big.

Tony

[desperately] It'll stretch. Turn 'em over.

Tony

Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.

McGee

Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.

Tony

Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.

Ziva

You stole them?

Tony

The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?

Ziva

Is this for the secret Santa?

Tony

How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.

McGee

I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.

Tony

Have you ever seen her smile?

McGee

No.

Ziva

Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!

Tony

It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

Ziva

These chocolates are delicious!

Gibbs

Hey, dad. Stop making my team fat.

Ziva

Gibbs, why didn't you tell us your father was coming?

Gibbs

I didn't think he'd actually show. Go ahead, have another one, bubble butt.

Tony

It's my metabolism slowing with age. It's nothing a post-holiday cleanse won't cure.

Ziva

So this is where a redthroat would hang out after being overseas for months.

Tony

It's not redthroat, it's redneck.

Ziva

Oh.

Tony

And I think we've found the entire cast of Hee Haw.

Ziva

Over there. That's him.

Tony

With his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl?

Tony

Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.

Gibbs

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Ziva

All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.

Gibbs

It's a dummy corp.

Tony

Interpol's checking into it.

Gibbs

Tell them to check faster.

Tony

You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?

Ziva

Including the language of love, ten.

Tony

[about his Secret Santa] She wants me to meet her at six o'clock on Christmas Eve.

Ziva

To exchange gifts?

Tony

Or wrap me in a cocoon of ivy and suck the Christmas joy out of me.

Ziva

Okay, I'm going to say this again: she's probably someone who just lacks social skills, so be nice! Get her something special. Kill her with kindness.

Tony

Or with a stake of holly through the heart.

Ziva

Slow drivers.

Tony

Bad drivers.

Ziva

What is so hard? You go as fast as possible, when something gets in your way, you turn.

Tony

You're quoting Better Off Dead. I told you to watch that.

Tony

It's a remote control receiver?

McGee

Yes, it is.

Ziva

What is the range?

McGee

Almost a kilometer.

Tony

I don't speak Canadian. How far is that?

Gibbs

The military experiments with jetpacks?

Tony

No... well, yeah, they did, but... [sighs] "After years of testing various designs, ultimately they decided helicopters were more practical for earth-atmosphere flight..."

Ziva

"Although NASA's compressed gas-powered Man-Maneuvering Unit evolved from Bell Systems's rocket belt technology..."

Tony

"'Rocket belt' being the original terminology rather than the more colloquial 'jetpack... '"

Ziva

McGee's very passionate about the subject. We spend a lot of time here, just the three of us.

Tony

I was telling him about the bonus features section on the "Thunderball" DVD, which were pretty interesting, and he says, "um, Tony, bonus features aren't science", and so he...

Gibbs

He schooled you.

Ziva

Yep.

Tony

I've heard the saying "he got blown out of his shoes", but I never thought I'd see it.

Ducky

Now if the explosion had knocked his socks off, that would be impressive, wouldn't it?

Tony

I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.

You forget, we took some great vacations together.

Tony

Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and I was twelve years old?!

Tony

It's not as bad as it looks. It's actually an ancient form of meditation, it's a good thing.

Agent Gibbs, have you had breakfast?

Gibbs

(takes Tony's hat) Party's over. (hits Tony on the head with the hat several times)

Tony

Ow, ow,ow,ow,ow!

Gibbs

Explain!