Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

That's --

Abby

Uh-huh!

McGee

It's no longer in --

Abby

Nuh-uh!

Ziva

This is Gibbs' boat.

Abby

This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!

McGee

What mystery? Who the dead guys were?

Ziva

Or who killed them.

Tony

Or how they ended up on the boat.

Abby

Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony

[walks into Gibbs' house] Hello?

[pointing a gun at Tony's head] DiNozzo! You should have told me you were coming!

Tony

I called and you didn't pick up.

I'm not going to answer the phone! I'm a fugitive!

Tony

So what do you want me to do?!

Knock!

Tony

Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door!

Someone may be on the other side with a gun??

Tony

Why would someone be standing on the other side with a gun?!

Because there's no lock on the door!

Tony

[on the phone] I can't hear you, McGee. I'm in the basement.

McGee

Why?

Tony

Because I don't want to talk about the case in front of Leila and the kid.

Abby

Listen, Tony, this is really important. I need you to check the seams of the walls.

Tony

The walls?

Abby

Well do they appear to be removeable?

Tony

Huh.

McGee

Abby.

Abby

Or a tunnel, maybe?! It could be hidden under something on the floor. Something that looks like it doesn't belong.

Tony

Actually, I think Colonel Hogan has got a radio in the coffee pot, but the tunnel might have been filled in.

Ziva

Those are none of your business, those belong to McGee.

Tony

They're funny.

Ziva

They're private.

Tony

They're self-help CD's McLonely's hearts ordered...um, download your destiny. Three easy payments of $19.95 each satisfaction guarranted or your money back.

Ziva

Maybe McGee's already satisfied.

Tony

Well maybe there's an easter bunny too.

Ziva

Tony...

Anyone can achieve their fullest potiental. Who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our [Tony laughs]

Ziva

Oh my god, turn that off!

Tony

I love this guy! Sort of a poor man Shatner.

We should never allow our fears or the exceptions of others to set the frontiers of our [Ziva shuts it off]

Ziva

I've heard enough maybe your the one who needs the self-help.

Tony

Well, see that's where your wrong Ziva. I'm already enlightened.

Tony

Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.

Ziva

Like an elephant.

McGee

Lee Wuan Kai: North Korean assassin, one time fanatical nationalist, credited with 27 targeted hits in seven countries, dozens more by association --

Tony

She likes quiet walks on the beach, laughing with friends and playing Frisbee with her Cocker spaniel Ruphus.

Ziva

[snatches the paper away] It does not say that.

Tony

Well it might as well. Look at those come hither eyes, those perfect kiss me now lips. No wonder Vance is obsessed. Kai's killing me and I'm just looking at her. You and Kai are probably a lot more alike than you think.

Ziva

I do not follow.

Tony

Really? A couple of pretty ladies, both trained assassins.

Ziva

You annoy me sometimes.

Tony

Sometimes?

Ziva

Most of the time!

Tony

Well somethiing must of happened between Kai and Vance. Seriously director shows up at a crime scene that's not kosher.

Tony

It's in your blood isn't it.

Ziva

What is?

Tony

Your thinking of how your gonna get him. Maybe some intense mind games followed by sheer force [Locks the women door] Go for the the jugular or the slow kill your a dangerous woman.

Ziva

Who am I getting Agent Dunham

Tony

Why would you want Dunham thought we were talking about Pak Su Ji

Ziva

Dunham is from Texas. I like Texas what is that saying anyway umm, he cleans up nice.

Tony

Not that nice I thought he was kinda creepy.

Ziva

Oh, come on stop being such a big brother he's a field agent a nomad I've had enogh of that in my life I came to seelt down to make a home for myself the last thing I need is a Chad Dunham.

Tony

Mmm

Ziva

However.

Tony

What?

Ziva

Well to answer your question how would I get him brut force is intriguing.

Tony

Who are we talking about right now Pack Su Ji or the Texas Longhorn.

McGee

Heck of a day isn't it.

Tony

You went home.

McGee

Yeah, just for an hour.

Tony

I've been talking to agents all night doing recon and you went home and got your game on with little sexy miss text message, Ziva look at him.

Ziva

What are you talking about?

Tony

He's ussing a husky cave man esk primitive satisfication like Heston in Planet of the Apes and it didn't matter that that world was ruled by arrangatanges because Heston went straight for the mute chick in the loing claw you pulled a Heston. Didn't you?

McGee

I don't know about that. It was only for a few minutes.

Tony

Yeah sometimes that's all it takes in my middle aged world.

Ziva

[LAUGHS] You are so jealous.

Tony

Yes I am and there's nothing wrong with that I'm proud of Tim, very proud of you did you take pictures

McGee

Please.

Ziva

Well I'm excited to meet her make sure she's good enough for you.

McGee

[knocks] Ms. DeMarco, NCIS. We need to speak with you.

Tony

Ms. DeMarco, open up. We want to talk to you. [sounds of a shotgun being pumped cause Tony and McGee to take cover, then a shot is fired through the door] Federal agents! Drop it!

Did that piece of filth Serro send you?! Because I've got a message for him! You can tell him -- [peeks out the door] -- did you say federal agents?

Tony

Yes, federal agents!

McGee

Serro's dead! Put the weapon down!

Okay. [puts gun on the ground]

Tony

Hands in the air!

Okay. Sorry.

Tony

Who do you think you are, Sarah Palin?!

Tony

He was Kai-jacked!

McGee

Did you just say that?

Tony

I regret it already.

McGee

Do you see this? Nine hours, 21 minutes! [shoves his watch in Ziva's face]

Ziva

Has it been that long? [takes the watch away and breaks it]

McGee

Why did you do that??

Ziva

Because it was either you or the watch!

McGee

It's just, what's taking so long, you know?

Ziva

Look, I'm sure we're not the only ones that need to be rescued. Plus, things could be a lot worse.

McGee

Yeah, how's that?

Ziva

We could be stuck here with Tony.

Tony

[from outside the elevator] I heard that! I find it very interesting that the two of you left together late last night!

Ziva

Just ignore him. He's like an annoying bug. Eventually he'll just go away.

McGee

Ziva, it's been five years. Trust me, he's not going anywhere.

McGee

[looking around the container] Wow. This is like the TARDIS.

Tony

Tard-what?

McGee

It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in. Never mind.

Tony

Doctor Who? Who watches that?

Tony

If you want, I could sing a song for you guys.

McGee

We'd rather have an update, Tony.

Tony

There was an explosion at a Potomac Electric substation, causing some kind of... wait, what is it? Uh, begins with a "C", rhymes with... "parade sailor"?

McGee

Cascade failure?

Tony

Cascade failure! God, you're good at this, McGee! So that chain reaction knocked out power in half the District. PEPCO says they'll have it back up soon.

Ziva

Cannot happen soon enough. I'm sure Gibbs is feeling right at home.

Tony

Well, you don't need electricity to use hand tools or drink a bottle of bourbon. [laughs]

McGee

[from inside the elevator] He's right behind you, isn't he?

Tony

[realizes] Yes, he is. Boss, you know, there's nothing wrong with the occasional cocktail.

Tony

Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.

Ziva

What?!

Tony

Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.

Ziva

The Indian word for corn is maki.

Tony

Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!

Ziva

Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American Indians, you dork.

Tony

[laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.