Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

Nesiah tova. [Hebrew, "have a safe trip"]

Ziva

See you next week.

McGee

For a guy that's about to be handed his head...

Ziva

He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.

Tony

Calm before the storm. Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus... everyone.

Tony

[as Norman Bates] My mother isn't quite herself today... [to Ziva, explaining] Psycho.

Ziva

You certainly have your moments!

Tony

A movie, Ziva.

Tony

[as Norman Bates] Blood, blood!

Ziva

[to Gibbs] Psycho.

Gibbs

He has his moments.

Tony

Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screen saver, have you, Ziva?

Ziva

Actually, I had, thanks for reminding!

Tony

What are friends for?!

Tony

Nice girl, wasn't my type though.

Ziva

Really? She was breathing.

Tony

Oh, I have standards, Ziva, otherwise I'd be dating you.

McGee

My CPU is too small.

Tony

I'm gonna let that slide.

Tony

[whispering] Run for your life, Probie! Run!

McGee

What are you doing?

Tony

Just trying to save your life!

McGee

What did you do?

Tony

[laughs indignantly] Why do you assume it's me...? That's a good point, but in this case, actually...

Ziva

MCGEE!

Tony

Too late.

McGee

[sees Ziva] Why is she sitting at my...?

Tony

You're on your own, Probie.

Ziva

McGee, get in here!

Tony

Plead temporary insanity, it's your best bet.

Ziva

What did I tell you, McGee?

McGee

Uh, about what?

McGee

Uh...

Ziva

I told you to destroy those, twice!

McGee

I did! I did... No, I, I didn't, um, Tony, Tony, Tony must've...

Ziva

What? When you went to get coffee? You did not erase those photos, did you? Hmm? Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes!

McGee

...I did not erase those photos.

McGee

I think I know what happened. I-I-I-I just deleted my old screensaver, and theoretically the operating system could have defaulted to the photo directory, but, you know, the odds...

Ziva

Today's not your lucky day.

Tony

It is Halloween later this week.

McGee

And I did see a black cat this morning...! Well, it was, it was dark brown.

Ziva

[whispering] Give me your hand.

Gibbs

[entering] Better than losing an eye, McGee.

Tony

[looking at the crime scene] Looks like their evening was ruined.

Ziva

I am going to ruin McGee's whole year.

Tony

Don't you think you're being a little uptight about this photo thing?

Ziva

No, really. What do you think he's doing with it?

Tony

I would rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that.

How's Gibbs to work for?

Tony

What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

Tony

It's like when you bring a date home you want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird uncle Jethro till like the fifth date!

Gibbs

Since when are you an expert on fifth dates. DiNozzo?

Tony

You are very right, boss.

Tony

I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.

Ziva

Meaning?

Tony

Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Tony

Think about it, you take a date back to your family's house, you want to make a good impression. You want them to like you. You don't introduce them to your weird Uncle Jethro until, like, the fifth date.

Gibbs

Since when are you an expert on fifth dates, DiNozzo?

Tony

You're very right about that, boss.

Ziva

What is this place?

It's classified.

Tony

Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.

[in unison] Unicorn!

Tony

Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?

Ziva

Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.

Tony

I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.

Ziva

The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!

Tony

I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.

Ziva

You have had enough of this job, then.

Tony

I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.

Ziva

If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.

Tony

What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.

Ziva

It was a reflex!

Tony

Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?

Ziva

Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]

Tony

I'm tired of pretending.

Ziva

So am I.

McGee

Wonder what they are doing up there.

Tony

Does the Navy still hang people?

Abby

Tony!

McGee

Well, it is treason, Abby.

Abby

McGeeeehee!

Tony

What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.

Ziva

No way.

Good night everyone! [Walks out]