Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

Is this hacking, McGee? Are we hacking?

McGee

We are not hacking, Tony.

Tony

But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know it's illegal. I'm having fun.

Tony

What?

Ziva

You seem, um... different.

Tony

Taller? Hotter?

Ziva

Older.

Tony

Well, it's been over four months.

Ziva

You still beating yourself up over Jenny?

Tony

Not as much as I used to.

Ziva

Drinking?

Tony

Not as much as I used to.

Ziva

You could have called.

Ziva

So this is where you have been for the past few months

Tony

Yes, just like the squad room, only I am the squad and there is no room.

Ziva

McGee was specifically told to destroy those photos.

Tony

Guess he forgot.

Ziva

Then perhaps I should remind him.

Tony

Go easy on the lad, he's had a rough summer.

Ziva

Well, we all have.

Tony

I think it was especially difficult for McGeek. Doesn't handle change well, never has.

Ziva

He seems fine.

Tony

[scoffs] Please, cooped up in that techno-basement for four months? You know how much he loves pounding the pavement, working leads, interrogating.

Ziva

[laughs] McGee?

Tony

Yeah, not to mention Gibbs, Duckster, you and me, Abs... I mean, everyone knows how close those two are.

Ziva

McGee was in the sub-basement, Tony. They had lunch every week.

Tony

It's not the same. You get used to seeing someone every day, talking to them, relying on them, and suddenly they're not there...

Ziva

It's all part of the job.

Tony

Doesn't make it any easier... for McGee.

Tony

Kaplan is the only one who can identify Evans's killer.

Ziva

And he overdoses.

Tony

Hell of a coinky-dink.

Ziva

What's a kwinkadink?

Tony

Coincidence.

Ziva

You believe this is a dwinkakwink?

Tony

Sarcasm, Ziva; you're back in America, flip the switch.

McGee

[answers phone] Agent Gibbs's desk.

Tony

McGee?

McGee

Tony? Back on dry land?

Tony

Yeah, it's a tropical paradise, really, just like The Blue Lagoon, except no white sand beaches, magical waterfalls, and definitely no Brooke Shields.

Tony

What's going on here?

McGee

Don't know. Don't care. None of my business DiNosey.

Ziva

You are such a control geek.

Tony

Freak.

Ziva

Yes, that too.

Tony

So you stayed at Ab's last night, huh? You guys sleep in the same room?

Ziva

It is a one-bedroom apartment.

Tony

One bedroom, one bed? One coffin?

Ziva

You want the truth?

Tony

Yeah, [as Jack Nicholson] I think I can handle the truth.

Ziva

My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over... on the couch... in my pajamas.

Tony

Come on, work with me! Couldn't you lie just a little bit?

Tony

So what's up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where'd he get that?

McGee

Maybe he's bluffing.

Tony

Uh-uh. It was on the nose.

Ziva

Whose nose?

Tony

On the money. Bullseye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You've reverted.

McGee

Hey. You looking for me, Tony?

Abby

No, I am. Do you think I'm an idiot?

McGee

No.

Abby

What, you thought I wouldn't figure it out?

McGee

What is she talking about?

Ziva

The cupcake.

Abby

You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat finger print.

McGee

Oh, come on, you think I'm that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.

Abby

You didn't. You used latex gloves. Brand new box, McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.

McGee

You said you were going gluten-free.

Abby

Where is it, McGee?

McGee

I was saving you from yourself, Abby.

Abby

Where did you save it, McGee?

McGee

Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn't eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.

Tony

[hugs McGee] What were you thinking, McGee? She's a world-class forensic scientist. [dope-slaps him]

Ziva

I bought the cupcake for Abby. [dope-slaps him]

Abby

So, how was it?

McGee

It was life-changing.

Abby

I need a DNA swab.

McGee

What's this about?

Ziva

Someone stole her cupcake.

McGee

No! It's an invasion of privacy!

Abby

[glares at him] McGee, I will get your DNA one way or the other.

Tony

Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.

Ziva

I'll call Tony.

McGee

I'll call Abby. [they both run]

[via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

Tell me everything!

Ducky

Haven't you ever heard of a night at the opera?

Tony

Sure, the Marx Brothers at their most hilarious. Groucho as Otis B. Driftwood. I love the part where they rip up the contract.

Ducky

[imitating Groucho Marx] "That's no good-a for you, it's no good-a for me!"

Ziva

I'll call Tony.

McGee

I'll call Abby. [they both run to the laptop]

[via webcam] Gibbs has a father!

[back at the lab] Tell me everything!

McGee

His name is Jackson. He's a good talker. He may have winked at me.

Ziva

Gibbs is very different around him.

Abby

[excitedly] Different how? Different bad? Different good?

McGee

He's like a teenager. Sort of.

Tony

Okay, I'm coming...! I'm going...! I'm leaving!

Abby

Me, too!

Ziva

I'm intrigued by how intrigued you are by this, Tony.

Tony

And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued.