Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Abby

[as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?

Tony

I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]

Abby

Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.

Tony

I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.

Ziva

[as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.

Tony

She accused me of murder.

Ziva

Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Tony

I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.

Jeanne

Was any of it real?

Tony

No.

Ziva

[walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.

McGee

Aw, thank you.

Ziva

[leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!

McGee

[grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?

Ziva

[chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.

Tony

[walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?

Ziva

No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.

Tony

McGee's kissing a girl?

McGee

You can't see it, Tony.

Tony

Why not?

Ziva

This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.

McGee

Hey!

Tony

[laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.

McGee

You're just jealous.

Tony

Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.

Abby

I didn't know you two were sharing a room.

Ziva

They're sharing a room?

Tony

We're not exactly sharing a room.

Ziva

(whispering furiously) Either they are sharing a room, or not sharing a room, I do not see what is so exact or not exact about it!

Ziva

[at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!

McGee

She seems unfazed.

Tony

Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.

Tony

What are you doing?

Ziva

I'm checking into Locke's missing girlfriend. You?

Tony

Same.

Ziva

What? Why?

Tony

Checking her medical records.

Ziva

Why? Do you think she's been lying in some hospital unable to communicate?

Tony

No, I think she's been lying in a shallow grave unable to communicate.

Ziva

Medical records are privileged information. You need a subpoena.

Tony

Not if you have an IOU from a county clerk with a very expressive poker face.

Tony

Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.

McGee

Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.

Tony

[chuckles] That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?

Ziva

It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.

McGee

Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.

Tony

[chuckles] Yeah, 50-point cushion for the professor. And there's only one tile left to play.

McGee

[smiles] Gonna be kind of tough to play that 'q' without a 'u'.

Ziva

You peeked!

McGee

Did not. Process of elimination, I counted the tiles on the board.

Tony

You suck the fun out of everything, McCheat. [Ziva suddenly looks in thought] Give it up, Ziva.

McGee

[frowns and stares at the board] "Kwee"? I don't think so.

Ziva

[smiles] Chi. As in life energy that flows through all things.

Tony

You should have seen that one coming, Probie Wan Kenobi.

McGee

No....

Ziva

[laughs] Sixty-two points!!!

Tony

Jedi wins.

McGee

I'm challenging!

Gibbs

[walking in] You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over.

McGee

Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.

Tony

So he didn't actually lose.

McGee

Correct!

Gibbs

So he wasn't actually humiliated.

McGee

[hurries after them, muttering] "Kwee"....

Tony

We've gotta figure out what he was doing here.

Ziva

And with whom he was doing it.

Tony

Doing what with?

Ziva

Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.

Tony

[confused look] Done... what?

Ziva

Done!

Ducky

In, my dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?

Tony

Not this queen.

Ziva

We could have made it.

Tony

The needle is below E, E stands for empty, we have less than empty, and we don't even know where it is!

Ziva

We could have made it.

[at same time] What!

Tony

slightly annoyed, gets out of the car and starts pumping gas Why don't you make yourself useful?

Ziva

What?

Tony

I said, why don't you make yourself useful?

Ziva

What do you want me to do? Hold your nozzle?

Tony

Get us a map [Ziva makes a face, gets out of the car and starts walking to the store] ...And some white powder doughnuts and the blue ice gatorade. [she pauses, smacks her ass and keeps walking without turning around.]

Tony

She died alone.

Ziva

We are all alone.

Tony

Yeah, thanks for that.

Tony

Paris. That's when it must have happened.

Ziva

The two of them alone in another world.

Tony

Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.

Ziva

Not to mention the long nights.

Tony

It was inevitable.

Ziva

Nothing is inevitable.

Vance

Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?

No./Yes.

Vance

Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?

Yes./No.

Vance

Whose side are you on?

[together] Gibbs.

Vance

Well, you finally got your story straight.

Vance

Do you know Mike Franks was involved in this?

No./Yes.

Vance

You want to take a moment and get your stories straight?

Yes./No.

Vance

That explains how Director Shepard got out to the diner. Franks was the fifth shooter.

Tony

On Jenny's side.

Vance

Whose side are you on?

[together] Gibbs.

Vance

Well, you finally got your story straight.

Tony

[talking on the webcam to McGee, he puts on a pirate-ish Irish accent] Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous, blackhearted, pirate king of ours, Captain One-Shot Gibbs?

Gibbs

[walking on-sceen, but Tony can see him.] I'm just fine, DiNozzo.

Tony

[startled] Oh! Um... ah. [headslaps himself] There you go, boss. Welcome aboard.

Gibbs

Got work to do.

Tony

I'm on it, boss. What am I on, McGee?

McGee

Are you alone?

Tony

Oh, yeah! Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! [looks over shoulder, then whispers] I really need to come home, boss.

Gibbs

Working on it.