Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

(lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?

Abby

(gasping) No... You're heavy!

Tony

Sorry.

Abby

(feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!

Tony

Abby, shhh!!

Abby

You're packing a nice booty too!

Tony

Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

Abby

I don't know, it's my first time.

Kate

Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap! Gibbs leaves with a woman. And your only thought is: Nooner!

Tony

Was not!

Kate

(chuckles) Was too! I've always known what you were thinking, Tony! (pauses when she sees his face) What? What are you up too? (gasps as she sees her outfit) Tony, I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy?

Tony

(exhales erotically) I can't help it!

Kate

(pushes her skirt down as Tony blows it up to see her knickers) DiNozzo!

Tony

(admits his feelings) Sometimes I used to picture you naked!

Kate

(screams)

Gibbs

I want you on Ziva's ass.

Tony

She's not really my type boss.

Gibbs

To tail her.

Tony

I knew that.

Tony

Can you tell me what gun he used?

Abby

A 308!

Tony

What model 308?

Abby

You don't know?

Tony

Would I be asking?

Abby

Well how am I supposed to know?

Tony

Because you're the firearms expert!

Abby

That I am! And when I am done I will tell you the propellant, the primer, the percentage of nickle and copper in the brass, whether all three rounds were fired from the same weapon: which you assume but I can prove or disprove, I will tell you who manufactured the ammo, the batch number and perhaps where it was sold! And with some degree of accuracy I can tell you if it was fired from a lever action, a bolt action, a semi automatic or an automatic weapon! However: I cannot tell you which of the 87 different 308 models fired those rounds!

Tony

Lapua!

Abby

What?

Tony

Lapua made the ammo! Logo's on the rim!

Abby

Tony I'm gonna miss her!

Kate

Why don't you visualize her naked? Does she intimidate you?

Tony

A woman hasn't been born yet who can intimidate Anthony DiNozzo.

Kate

You're forgetting your mother.

Tony

Mothers don't count.

Kate

And that lawyer. Marla?

Tony

Divorce attorney. Worse than mothers.

Kate

Well, Ziva's not your mother. She's not a divorce lawyer. She definitely intimidates you.

Tony

Does not.

Kate

Does too.

Tony

Does not.

Kate

Does too.

Tony

How long have you known I was --

Ziva

Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.

Tony

I don't think so.

Ziva

Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --

Tony

Okay, okay. You knew.

Ziva

[handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.

Tony

You know, that's what I like about Mossad.

Ziva

Our training?

Tony

Modesty.

Tony

[after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?

Ziva

I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...

Tony

Family tradition?

Ziva

Israeli sense of duty.

Tony

So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?

Ziva

Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Abby

I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.

Tony

Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.

Abby

I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony

What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby

McGee's ignoring me!

Tony

Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]

McGee

Ow! What was that for?

Tony

Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Tony

Well, that's nice. You know what's even nicer? My current view [looks down Paula's blouse] Victoria's Secret? Agent Cassidy.

Paula

Well you enjoy it as long as you can Agent DiNozzo [Gibbs walks up behind her and Tony sees him and shys away] Cuz that's as close as you're gonna get.

Gibbs

Agent Cassidy. Go see how many victims Abby id'd from the scrapbook

Tony

I'll go help her. [gets up]

Gibbs

Wait.

Tony

What was that for?!

Gibbs

Letting her get to you!

Tony

Boss, I was not letting her get to- It won't happen again.

He's carving your name on her back right now.

Gibbs

Game's over. Back to the death row.

Gibbs! Gibbs! The governor call yet? 'Cause they're not gonna kill me now. I'm the only one who can identify the killer. Hey, you think she screamed when he cut out her tongue, Jethro?

Gibbs

I don't know. Why don't you ask her yourself? [a battered but clearly alive Paula Cassidy enters the corridor and Boone's eyes widen]

Paula

I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.

Tony

He's kinda dead. [Boone is speechless]

Gibbs

Enjoy hell.

Paula

A whole week of TDA with Gibbs. I can smell the fun already.

McGee

It's been a tough month.

Tony

Right now he pretty much hates everyone, Paula. Including himself.

Ziva

I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee

A donkey's butt?

Tony

I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva

Yes, that too.

Tony

You want something to read?

Ziva

What do you have?

Tony

[pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.

Ziva

[pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.

Tony

[checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

Tony

Remind me never to piss her off.

Gibbs

Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

Ziva

(facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then buried alive in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?

Tony

(with his mouth full) Yep!

McGee

(with his mouth full) Pretty much!

Ziva

I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!

Tony

I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?

McGee

(laughs)

Ziva

Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!

McGee

(hurriedly) I'm gonna go help Abby!

Tony

(passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)

Jenny

She seems to be fitting in well.

Gibbs

She almost killed my entire team yesterday.

Jenny

How?

Gibbs

Driving home from a crime scene.

Jenny

I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.