Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Special Agent Gibbs?

Tony

Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.

Tony

[to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.

McGee

Really?

Tony

I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?

McGee

Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?

McGee

[falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...

Tony

I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...

McGee

[exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.

Tony

All the more reason you need the experience, probie.

McGee

How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?

Tony

How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Tony

[gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?

Ziva

Another ugly shirt?

Tony

This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!

McGee

That's great.

Tony

Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"

Ziva

Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony

Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee

She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”

Ziva

I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.

Tony

Check book.

Ziva

Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Tony

Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.

Ziva

I think it's the-

Tony

Shh!

Tony

It's a...

Ziva

It's a marmoset.

McGee

Actually, that's a capuchin.

McGee

She's right Tony, look at Lee Harvey Oswold, Sirhan Sirhan.

Tony

That's original McGee, is there any part of your brain that's your own?

McGee

At least I have one Tony.

Tony

What's that supposed to mean?

Ziva

Where did all these people come from?

Tony

Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.

Ziva

I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?

McGee

No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.

Ziva

Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?

Tony

One man's junk is another man's treasure.

Ziva

In Israel we have a saying: "zevel, zeh zevel". [Tony and McGee look at Ziva, confused] "Crap is crap."

Tony

Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.

McGee

What, you mean screwing up?

Tony

No, finding answers when no one else can.

Ziva

That was nice of you.

Tony

Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.

Ziva

I thought the expression was "dog."

Tony

Same difference.

Tony

Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.

McGee

He's doing pretty well so far.

Tony

He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.

Ziva

Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?

McGee

If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?

Tony

Star Wars stuff.

McGee

That narrows it down to like 50 million people.

Tony

Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?

McGee

Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?

Ziva

Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.

McGee

A Star Wars junkie, huh?

Ziva

Not especially.

Tony

She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.

Tony

If things get hairy, just follow my lead.

Ziva

I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.

Tony

Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.

Ziva

I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?

Ziva

Don't be embarrassed Tony, I find the taste of honeydust to be extremely erotic.

Tony

What a coincidence, so do I.

Gibbs

(head slaps Tony) I don't.

Ziva

Are you sure these are corpse-smelling dogs?

Tony

Of course. That's why they're alerting to McGee. He's been a dead man since yesterday.

Ziva

How did you end up here, McGee?

McGee

Well, I rode in the back of the van you may have noticed my screaming as Tony ran that light.

Ziva

Not here here, at NCIS. I know Tony's story, what's yours?

McGee

You want the long version or the short version?

Tony

Oh, there's only one version. McGee showed up on our doorstep like a little lost poodle.

McGee

That is not true Ziva!

Tony

No, you're right. It was more like a St Bernard.

Ziva

Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.

Tony

The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.

Ziva

Oh. What exactly is span then?

Tony

Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.

Tony

New hires just keep getting younger, eh Madam Director?

(smiling) Obviously you didn't get the memo, Agent Dinozzo!

Tony

(confused as he keeps up with all memos and emails) What memo?

Ziva

The one where it explains the next person to call her "Madam" gets keelhauled, what ever that is.

Tony

(grimacing) It's... uh (struggles to think of how to describe it)

Unpleasant!