Napoleon quotes from Napoleon Dynamite

Rico

[putting on his racing suit] Check it out, Napoleon. It's aerodynamic and snug in all the right places.

Napoleon

[disgusted] Gross! You look like a garbage bag full of chicken wings.

Rico

I also got science on my side. This bracelet has a magnet in it. I bought it from a SkyMall catalog I found at the site of a plane crash.

You can wear all the magic crap you want. This is my race, Rico! That's why I'm in the Preston Garden of Fame.

Kip

Yeah, next to Preston's first monogamist couple.

And the astronaut whose car broke down here.

Napoleon

Wow. That got that up quick.

Rico

And that's when I knew I won the Bed Race fair and square. Any questions?

Deb

[raises her hand] Deb Bradshaw, Preston High School Bugle. Napoleon, what advice do you have for young people?

Napoleon

Follow your dreams. Also, never throw a water balloon at a pickup truck. There might be a judge inside.

Pedro

As student body president, I present you with a lifetime hall pass. This is good for any hall in the school.

Napoleon

Sweet! What about stairwells?

Pedro

I'm not God, Napoleon.

Rico, in honor of your great victory today, I'm taking down that picture you hate so much.

Rico

The one that says, "Do not take checks from this man?"

No. This one. [takes down the picture of a teenage Rico losing a football game and replaces it with the one of him and Napoleon crossing the finish line]

[offering Rico a sandwich he made for him] Rico, I made a special sandwich, named it after you.

Rico

Really? What's it called?

The Rico.

Rico

Hey, that's my name!

It's got crawfish, peanuts, and strawberries.

Napoleon

Aren't you allergic to all those things?

Rico

Yeah, but how often do you get a sandwich named after you? [takes a bite of the sandwich and his face swells up; muffled] Delicious. Such an honor.

Napoleon

We need to talk, without any broads around. [To Candy] No offense, my lady.

Rico

Here's the key to the snack bar. Go get yourself a "Tobleroney."

Napoleon

And a box of Dots! [To Rico] Rico, I'm kind of feeling guilty. We need to tell Grandma we cheated.

Rico

Oh, no, we don't. You like not paying for your dragon figurines?

Napoleon

Uh-huh.

Rico

You enjoy roaming the halls at school like an escaped gorilla at the zoo?

Napoleon

Heck, yes, I do.

Rico

Then best you keep your mouth shut.

Napoleon

But, I'm worried about Grandma! I think her brain is broken.

Rico

What about your Uncle Rico? This is the happiest I've ever been! Look at me, with a girl in a movie theater on a Saturday night. I'm like the goll-dang president!

[To Napoleon] I'm sorry, did you say Dots or Duds?

Napoleon

"Dots!" Geez!

Rico

I'm serious, Napoleon. The town even wants to put one of them bush statues of me in the Garden of Fame. Please don't take all this away from me. I don't wanna die alone in that van.

Napoleon

Fine! Forget I asked!

[returns and mistakenly gives Napoleon a box of Duds] Here's your Duds.

Napoleon

[wakes up, startled] That was close. I almost had a bad dream. [takes a napkin from the dispenser and wipes his face]

All the napkins in the world can't wipe the guilt off your face, Napoleon.

Napoleon

Wha…?

He's right, Napoleon. You cheated your grandma.

The dragon and I don't agree on much, but we agree on this.

Napoleon

You guys can talk?

All your ill-gotten gains can talk.

Ill-gotten gains lead to gain-gotten ills.

Napoleon

Uh-huh. Wait, what?

If you spent more time in class and less time in the hall, you'd understand.

[roars] You've peed on me countless times and I've always pretended not to notice, but this I can't ignore!

Napoleon

Why aren't you haunting Uncle Rico?!

He doesn't have a conscience. Or a bed. You've got to tell the truth! Admit your deceit!

Napoleon

And if I don't?

Oh, that DOES it!

Stop it, bed! You're going too far!

Yes, you said there'd be no killing.

I said lots of things!

Napoleon

[wakes up, surprised and sweating] I did have a bad dream! [takes a napkin from the dispenser that says: "DO THE RIGHT THING!" and another that says: "ORDER MORE NAPKINS NOW!"]

Tell her!

Napoleon

You can't talk, I'm awake.

You're daydreaming. Now snap out of it and tell her!

Napoleon

Grandma, I can't take it anymore! Rico and I cheated! You should've won that race!

What are you saying?

Napoleon

I'm saying, Rico and I cheated. You should've won that race!

I knew I wasn't an old lady. To the Garden of Fame!

Napoleon

How are we gonna get there? You gave your car to the Lord.

I know something faster than a car.

Rico

Carlinda, if there's any way I can ever make up for my despicable, yet clever behavior…

You can help me un-donate me car. Kip, you got my bolt cutters?

Kip

You know it, G.

To the convent!

Rico

All right, what's the plan?

Napoleon

Okay, I'll distract Jesus and you guys steal the car.

Pedro

[unsure] I'm not comfortable stealing from Señor Jesus.

Rico

Sorry, Pedro. You're up your pretty little neck in this.

Pedro

Oy.

Napoleon

What are you doing here, Filson? I thought you graduated.

Nope, failed English.

Napoleon

But you're great at English.

Is I, Napoleon? Is I?

Napoleon

You failed on purpose!

You didn't think I was gonna let you have all the glory and the women, did you?

Napoleon

You don't care about the FFA, Filson.

Napoleon

Your Majesty? [looks down in the hole, and finds some romantic items in there; reads the note] "Close your eyes and make a wish. Love, your Queen." [closes his eyes and a hand touches him on the shoulder] Nicole! [opens his eyes and turns around to see…] Pedro?!

Pedro

[unhappy] I thought you were putting things on hold. You lied to me, Napoleon.

Napoleon

I don't care. Get out of here. I'm about to have a secret dinner with my woman.

Pedro

In a hole?

Napoleon

It's not a hole. It's our love dungeon.

Pedro

Well, I don't think she loves you. Look, [picks up the fruit basket] her apples are fake.

Napoleon

Don't worry, Pedro. She'll be back.

Pedro

You're crazy, Napoleon! Even the earthworms are laughing at us! [Two earthworms giggle at them] You begged me to come, Napoleon. You said we were going to be a team and rob banks!

Napoleon

Well, you're a freaking crappy teammate! Curtis never would've let this happen to me! He knew how to bridle my passions.

Pedro

Well, I'm not Curtis. I'm Pedro Montoya Carlos Sanchez and you have shamed and betrayed me! [spits dirt dust in Napoleon's face]

Napoleon

I don't care how many names you have! You're dead!

Rico

Hey, sounds like Napoleon's in trouble! Man, I love my wolf-ear.

Kip

Hey, Uncle Rico, it still smells kinda poison-y in the house. Would it be okay if we stay one more night?

Rico

[smiles in agreement] Okay, Napoleon. Last week, the father got arrested for beating up a Peeping Tom, who in a hilarious twist turned out to be Kip!

Napoleon

That daughter's pretty hot.

Not for long if she keeps eating meatloaf like that!

Napoleon

Rude.