[The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]
[singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!
S6San Francisco International
[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]
Terror at... uh, sea level.
So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.
CACrow [as Katie Barrett]
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!
[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]
There's a New Testament in town!
[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]
CACrow [as Pernell]
Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."
S6Kitten with a Whip
[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a Looney Tunes cartoon blare from the TV.]
Carl Stalling's in his house!
[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the Sylvester cartoon Canned Feud.]
CCrow
Hey, something good!
All right!
. . .
MAMike [as David]
Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd.
S6Racket Girls
[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]
Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.
[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]
CCrow
Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
HHall
When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
SAServo [as Larry]
Oh yeah!
HHall
...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
MAMike [as Larry]
You saw my boing?
LLarry
How did you know?
HHall
Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
CACrow [as Hall]
Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
HHall
For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
MAMike [as Hall]
…if one of you is cuckoo…
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
HHall
…if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
LLarry
It's gone!
SSue
Where'd it go?!
CACrow [as Larry]
We're gonna die!
HHall
That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
SAServo [as Larry]
BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!
[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
SSue
Do we have similar backgrounds?
MAMike [as Sue]
Do we have any priors?
SSue
Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
CACrow [as Sue]
I worship Cthulhu!
SSue
...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
SAServo [as Sue]
You know, God and stuff.
SSue
Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
MAMike [as Sue]
So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.
[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]
CCrow
[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions] MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
MAMike [as Sue]
Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.
Racket Girls (movie)
[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]
CCrow
Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
CACrow [as usher]
Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.
[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]
Ah, another sellout crowd.
SScalli
Hey, Joe!
SAServo [as Scalli]
Where you going with that gun in your hand?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.