Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.

Mike

Hawaii?

No, an island!

Bilingual schools.

Bisexual students.

A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.

So you might as well just stay where you are.

For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.

...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.

Look, just come here!

Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.

Servo

Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...

Hit me!

A band concert under warm, tropical skies.

The music of John Phillips Salsa.

It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.

A CENTURY AGO!

The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.

...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.

I love this job!

Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.

So, drink rum constantly.

Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?

Mike

These are all just random sentences, folks.

Touch a button, things happen.

Mike

...Uh, sometimes.

Joseph Javorsky.

Rootie patootie.

A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.

Mike

His limericks aren't very good...

Vacation time.

So... goodbye.

People travel east, west... north or south.

Servo

And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.

To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.

Or a giant pogo stick.

Jump from a plane, land at the top.

Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?