My Gym Partner's a Monkey · Season 1
Hey, dudes! This is my new bud, Carl.
Hey, Carl.
What's up?
[Slips and Carl look at each other for a second, and start laughing hysterically, and they walk inside the school]
Dude, did you see Jake and Adam when I was like, "Hey, dudes." Adam's like, "Hey, Carl."
Yeah, and Jake's all like, "What's up?"
Looks like Slips has found a new friend.
Yeah. And he's all like, "weird."
[raises up his hand] Coach Gills, I got a question.
Yes, Carl, what is it?
Dummy says, "what?"
What?
[Slips and Carl both laugh hysterically over the joke]
Dummy.
Anyhow, Mr. Mandrill's going to speak to you about knowing your mortal enemies. Mortal enemies? You mean like, teachers and students?
Uh, not quite.
Sorry, Adam. That skunk-o-gram was meant for me. Carl, you diabolical scoundrel!
[Adam and Jake tie up both Slips and Carl to chairs as Jake rips the taped piece off of Slips' mouth, causing him to yelp in pain, and does the same to Carl, and they both growl at each other]
Knock it off, you two. Do you guys realize how ridiculous you're acting with this mortal-enemy stuff?
Well, he's a mongoose.
And he's a snake.
And this is nature.
And did that mean anything to you two before Mr. Mandrill pointed it out? No! You were really good friends. Now, I'm gonna undo the ropes, and I want you both to make up and be friends again.
I won't do it!
Me neither.
[hopping in] And that's just fine.
What?
Mr. Lyon, your intentions, as honorable yet entirely contrary to animal nature as they might be, are completely pointless. [to Carl] Mr. Mongoose, your parents are waiting for you in my office. They're withdrawing you from our little slice of heaven and enrolling you in a private all-mongoose academy.
Why?
The usual reason-- to show off their cash. Release them, Mr. Lyon.
After a whole day of everyone finding their natural enemies, [smiles] turns out, I don't even have one. [James walks up to him and kicks him in the shin]
Wait! I didn't come here today to talk about circus elephants or salted peanuts. I came here 'cause ever since my day with Mrs. Warthog ended, I felt a profound lack of purpose in my life.
Wow. Good self-diagnosis. Very good. Yes, yes, yes. Say, why don't you stick around and learn to be a guidance counselor, like me?
[to his reflection in the boys' bathroom] Okay, Cyrus. Act casual. It's no big deal. Happens to rhinos all the time. Maybe no one will even notice.
All right, listen up, munchkins. My name's Ted, and your names don't matter, so put your empty heads down and shut your yaps while us grown-ups talk business. [points to Donald Deer] You!
[confused] Huh?
Yes, you! Quiet down over there before I take those antlers and mount them on the wall!
[A little later in Principal Pixiefrog's office…]
[sobbing] It was horrible! He threatened to mount my antlers on a wall! He's so insensitive!
Let me give you the straight poop, swampy. I'm an oxpecker, see, and this piece of roadkill over here has obviously never seen a personality before. He must be having some sort of allergic reaction.
[laughs] Well, the boy is a bit tedious, isn't he?
[Donald bawls and runs out of the office]
Wait, Donald! I'm-- We're terribly sorry, P.F. Uh, Ted understands if he has to go now.
Nonsense. He's a fresh, new voice here at Charles Darwin Middle School.
Kissing. You boys have any idea how dangerous this kissing business can be? Oh, I don't mean just a few welts and bruises. I'm talking about a big change that come from a seemingly innocent smooch with a lady.
Uh…don't we need permission slips for this conversation to continue?
[slaps his face in frustration] Kissing is bad! You'd better off, if you just avoid it at all costs!
[falls to the ground, rolled up] Hey, Adam. You can hang out with me. [uncurls himself] I could you show you my superfluous toenail. No one ever sees that. [lifts up his fur, revealing an extra toenail growing on his right leg]
[sticks a tube in his ear and turns on the helium tank, inflating his butt] I love my butt. And soon the whole world will love my butt!
[noticing a rope and sign] What's this say? [reads the sign] "Stand in circle on floor to get your collectible diecast prisons and lizards figurine." [steps into the circle; to the viewers] Well, I had this situation read all wrong. [Bull reels him in] Bull, what's the meaning of this?! You got my glasses all wet! How cliché.
Yeah?! And I'll get 'em all dry too if you don't shut your blowhole!
Remember, your breathing must remain steady or the mechanism will fail. You must not, and I cannot foreshadow this enough, breathe too heavily.
[shoves him over] Out of the way, foreshadow boy!
Please begin your report, Mr. Lyon.
"In 1973, a 783-ton oil tanker crashed…" [getting interrupted by Rufus' laughter; trying to concentrate] "…into an iceberg, killing 1.6 million live animals…" [Rufus continues laughing; snapping agitatedly] YOU THINK THIS IS REALLY FUNNY, HUH, RUFUS?!
[enraged about Rufus] I have had it with that laughing… [wipes his face] FREAK! I have never been so humiliated in my… [wipes his face again] LIFE!!
More humiliated than the time you came to school in your underwear?
[dumbfounded] I thought that was a dream.
[chuckles] No, that was real.
[Flashback to the day where Adam came and walked down the hallway in his underwear; back to present]
That was more humiliating. Anyway, back to Rufus. Rufus doesn't have any taste in comedy! My grandma has better taste in comedy! And what's up with that laugh?! [mocks Rufus' laughter] That's not a real laugh! That's a laugh of a phony! A phona-rific phony! [A sound of a toilet flushing is heard from the stall and he and Jake turn around to see a fully heartbroken Rufus, hearing everything] Hey, Rufus. You're looking pretty flushed. [chuckles nervously; Rufus suddenly bursts into tears, bawling, and runs out of the boys' bathroom] Rufus, wait!
[Rufus approaches the lockers where Windsor is putting up his books, still bawling]
Come here, my sweet. Shh. [hugs and comforts him]
[showing up with Jake] Rufus!
Do you guys realize what you've done? [Jake and Adam both shake their heads no] Hyenas need to laugh, to survive.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's My Gym Partner's a Monkey pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
