Monk · Season 6
[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
Un-Googleable! End of discussion.
[Accidentally knocks over some junk, thinking it's a booby trap] BOOBY TRAP!
Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Sorry.
You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
It's a junkyard. How do you know if something's broken?
I know. I can tell. Look. [Picks up bicycle] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
$40 bucks. No way.
[To Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story. [Back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
I'm not paying for it!
What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor. People need carburetors.
He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
The suit, the shoes, the carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Do you have any enemies?
None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [Points at Randy accusingly, then makes another attempt at reasoning with Randy]
Randy, give him five bucks.
Fine. [Takes out his wallet and hands Bennie Wentworth five bucks]
I wonder what happened to his partner.
What partner?
It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
[To Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks. [Randy starts to walk away] Randy! Your bike! [Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him].
[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
[Holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Exhibit A?!
Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy once more]
Ow! Burn it! BURN IT!
[Grabs Natalie, and turns to the other cops] Grab that painting!
[Shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!
Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.
I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Oh, my God!
[From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]
He broke into my house before the shooting...
And raided your refrigerator?
[Makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
[Notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [Puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She leaves. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom, to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [Takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Oh no. I can't wear that.
Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
No, it's all dusty.
You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Okay. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
[Gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Is this all you had?
It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Natalie, thank you.
[A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]
Was he a professor?
No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Like the Car Wash guy.
What "Car Wash guy"?
That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [Stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. Solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [Pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. Boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
Can I see that? [She looks at the article] There's no picture.
I guess he's modest, too.
[Reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [Puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!
[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Why didn't you tell me?!?
Natalie...! (x4) [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.
You're sorry?!?! But how?
Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [Glances at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
That's his name!
Well that's just stupid!
What's he doing in Nevada?!
He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
He's all alone?!
Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!
Randy doesn't know?
No. I'm trying to protect him.
From what?!
I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!
Oh my God!
It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!
I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]
[Practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]
Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [Mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
He's alive? He's alive.
Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
I can't believe it!
You okay?
Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
You look disappointed.
Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
You never know.
[Monk is cleaning up the car wash for the night after the other workers leave him; Natalie arrives]
[Trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [She takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[Hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down] Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins...? [Rollins suddenly appears from behind Natalie]
Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Ms. Teeger. Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy.
You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
[Dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [To Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very very slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
What was that?
It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
You have a name!
Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Can't? Or won't?
A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
The important thing is, that you're off the street.
[Laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?
[Taps one with his foot and it doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong. Have a good life, Dale. [Turns and walks away]
It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk turns the corner, meets Natalie, and they walk away]
You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Oh, yes you are.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
