Monk quotes

Lt. Disher

A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.

Lt. Disher

Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. [Pause] They're called dartarangs.

How do you know they're called dartarangs?

Lt. Disher

Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say "Maybe".

Maybe.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Interesting, Randy. Interesting.

Monk

We're being followed.

Natalie

Oh my God. Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Are you guys okay?

Natalie

We're being followed.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Is it a black SUV?

Monk

Yes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Nevada plates?

Monk

Yes.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Okay, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.

Monk

A contract?

Natalie

On both of us, or just him?

Natalie

[Sees an empty trash dumpster] The dumpster. The dumpster.

Monk

Uh, I can't.

Natalie

[Spots a portable toilet] The port-a-john.

Monk

Have we met?!

Natalie

Mr. Monk, you have to choose.

Monk

I choose death!

Sharona

Excuse me, I'd like a lodge a complaint against one of your officers.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Not looking up] What did he do?

Sharona

He hasn't written or called me in five years.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You're gonna have a breakdown. I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.

Monk

I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

And it's only gonna get worse.

Natalie

How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [Bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights!

Monk

Yeah, that sounds fair.

Sharona

Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk up four flights!

Monk

Can't argue with that.

Sharona

You treat him like a child!

Natalie

He's not a child!

Sharona

I did not say he's a child! I said you're treating him like a child!

Natalie

Oh, I'm being supportive!

Sharona

No, you're not being supportive! You're enabling him- [Monk, pacing back and forth, interrupts]

Monk

Okay, here's what we're gonna do: we're going to take the elevator up to 18 and walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [Cuts to Carolyn Walsh opening the door to find Monk, Natalie and Sharona sweating and almost out of breath]

Natalie

Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.

Sharona

Or that special red toothbrush.

Natalie

Or his little flossing kit.

Sharona

Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.

Natalie

Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.

Sharona

Really? What did you do?

Natalie

I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. [Laughs] I'm not kidding! I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage!

Sharona

Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?

Monk

Of course not. Why would I mind?

Natalie

Okay. Adrian.

Monk

Yeah, see I don't like it either.

Natalie

Me neither.

Are you my uncle?

Monk

No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.

Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?

Monk

...Yes. [Referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

[Talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.

Lt. Disher

Although any dead body would be of interest to us.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Thank you, Randy.

Lt. Disher

Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.

Monk

How?

Lt. Disher

She could bark at him.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.

Lt. Disher

Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?

Lt. Disher

I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.

Capt. Stottlemeyer

You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.

Natalie

[Examining a painting] Could be a lover?

Monk

How do you figure?

Natalie

Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?

Monk

Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.

Monk

[About Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.

Lt. Disher

Like?

Monk

Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

Natalie

It's not too late to back out.

Monk

Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.

Natalie

Well, at least try to have some fun.

Monk

Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.

Monk

I don't know how you do it.

Lt. Disher

What's that?

Monk

How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.

Lt. Disher

Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.

Monk

What happened?

Lt. Disher

One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.

Monk

I guess I should read more bumper stickers.

Lt. Disher

[Yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.

Monk

Yeah, good night.

Lt. Disher

See you in the morning.

Monk

Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?

Lt. Disher

Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival]

Monk

And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?

Lt. Disher

Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.

Monk

And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?

Lt. Disher

[Shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.