TV show quotes
I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.
Almost everybody.
Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Eh, no.
Do you have plans?
You're not feeling well?
Well, I hope you feel better.
[Practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire".
What part?
The words. And the music. Why don't you just play "The Wedding March"?
[Monk is holding Leland's bachelor party at his apartment]
Okay, does everybody have pizza?
Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have been ordered "extra plain," with absolutely no cheese or sauce on them!]
I know! I ordered plain.
Not even cheese?
I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [Puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom!
Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?
All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Thank you, thank you very much.
[Reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-
And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]
Stephanie! Do you have a minute?
Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?
No. It really can't.
You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?
Yeah.
Where were you before that? You never said.
Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance on Stephanie]
You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?
What are you talking about?
Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?
Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-
Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.
[Stephanie produces a Kahr K9 handgun from the tuxedo bag]
Okay not today, Leland.
I'll bet you a week's pay that that's a .9 millimeter.
That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.
What was it doing with my tuxedo?
That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Just shut up.
I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.
[As Stephanie Briggs is forcing Monk and Stottlemeyer into her car at gunpoint, T.K. comes running up to Stottlemeyer]
Just go home. We have nothing more to say, just go home.
He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.
All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]
In that case, you're coming with us. Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie's true nature]
Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-
[To T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.
Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a live round into the air, but fails to see the slide lock back]
It's empty now. [Produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]
Ow! That hurt!
Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?
Absolutely.
You polished the bullets.
Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.
We are.
[Stottlemeyer is doing the roll call and morning announcements to the detectives]
Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]
Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."
Monk, you don't have to say anything.
Thank God. [Sits down]
Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.
The Gold Rush Killer.
It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
But they used pickaxes.
Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?
Yes, sir.
We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.
Now that, gentleman, is what you call a real woman.
No doubt about it.
You can tell. No Adam's apple.
[Monk has captured Mikhail Almonov]
Nice work, detective.
Former detective.
Former former detective.
Former former former detective.
[About Monk, at Officer Russell DiMarco's wake] I don't see him.
He's here somewhere. Separated the fruit salad.
It won't be much longer...
[To Monk] Someone is trying to kill you. And they may have succeeded.
Randy, I'm not pregnant. Just dying.
Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
[In disbelief] Vomiting?
Followed by death.
[Still in shock] Vomiting?
And then death.
Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
