[Lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!
S8Mr. Monk and the UFO
[Monk has gone to the sheriff's office in Vintonville to report a UFO sighting]
SFSheriff Fletcher
You saw a UFO?
No. No, I didn't say that.
SFSheriff Fletcher
Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Yes.
SFSheriff Fletcher
Uh, could you identify it?
No, no.
SFSheriff Fletcher
And it was flying.
Yes.
SFSheriff Fletcher
You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.
[The Sheriff's been shot]
SFSheriff Fletcher
One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
All right, Natalie and I will go.
Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
' All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.
S8Mr. Monk is Someone Else
This coffee is horrible. Tastes like BM.
It's iced tea.
Heat it up.
So, you want tea?
No, I want warm iced tea!
[Looking at a photo of Frank DePalma']' Oh my God! It's me!
He's your twin!
That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Who says that?
People... and their doppelgängers.
[Monk is run through Frank DePalma's biography by Agent Stone]
SAgent Stone
You were born and raised?
829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
SAgent Stone
Your first arrest?
October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
SAgent Stone
Your first contract kill?
November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.
[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]
LLola
What was her name?
Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
LLola
Teegerb?
With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. It's French Canadian.
[In the van] Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb".
[Monk and Natalie enter Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
[From outside] Sorry.
Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
[Monk comes into the room]
I'm sorry.
Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]
"I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.
S8Mr. Monk Takes the Stand
DCD.A. Charles Friedken
Now, did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.
[Monk squeals through clenched teeth when trying to describe Evan Gildea's nude sculpture]
HPHarrison Powell
Mr. Monk, are you okay?
I'm fine.
JSJudge Santa Croce
You were making a noise.
I don't think so.
JSJudge Santa Croce
Could you read that back, please?
CSCourt Stenographer
"Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked [sustains] e..."
HPHarrison Powell
Do you really want to go up against me again, Former Detective Monk?
Yes I do. I'll see you on the ball field.
HPHarrison Powell
The ball field?
I've seen your curveball. I can hit it now.
HPHarrison Powell
Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
No, you're not.
You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.
I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.
Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Okay, that's a good note.
Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Did I do that?
Just a couple times.
More than a couple of times.
I'd better write these down.
There are no timeouts.
Right.
No do-overs.
No heavy, heavy, sweating.
No, no, no, no.
S8Mr. Monk and the Critic
[After leaving the immaculately clean men's room at the theatre, complete with attendant] I just went to the bathroom.
[Astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
It was magical.
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]
Where the hell is Randy?
Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
[In disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!
For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]
Maybe his name began with a J?
Did you just write that down?
I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
"A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]
I thought you threw that out!
I bought another one!
Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!
Look who's talking!
That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!
He broke my little girl's heart! [Snatches the newspaper from her]
Julie's a tough kid!
He called her forgettable!
Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Did she know Callie too?
Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]
Natalie, what are you- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Monk pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.