[Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]
BBBrandy Barber
The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
BBBrandy Barber
How does it feel to be an American hero?
He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
[Holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk]
Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault]
I'm gonna die, right here.
You're right. [Stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.
[Spots Randy, who has frozen still as he practices to become a Living Statue] Randy? What are you doing? [No response] Hello? Are you all right? [She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen] Oh, my gosh... tickle, tickle, tickle! [Tickles Randy hoping that he will react] All right... [starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy's shoulder. He still doesn't move] I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [Puts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [Puts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two. [Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks] Our tax dollars at work.
[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [The Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [Pause] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [Takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [Pause] Okay, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[The Living Statue's alarm goes off, and he steps off his pedestal, indicating that it's his break time]
Living Statue; It's my break, man.
Well, thank you. That's more like it.
LSLiving Statue
[Groans] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [Screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh? [Yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
LSLiving Statue
Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Good. Did you see his face?
LSLiving Statue
He had his hood up. Sorry.
Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
LSLiving Statue
Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
[His break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No...! (x7) Don't. Don't do that. [Pause] Hey, we're not done here. What did you see?
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Another Julie Teeger? That's impossible!
Capt. Stotlemeyer Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, and some guy just hit her and kept on going.
But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics; there was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery; the next day, she got bit by a shark.
And what does that prove?
I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[While Monk looks at the body, Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive damage Natalie has put on his new car, namely the smashed-in hood]
What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek.
There's no bridge across the creek!
There is no bridge across the creek.
There's no bridge across the creek.
Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
It's okay. It's insured. [Tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
Yeah, remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. She and Randy walk away to join Monk by the body]
Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over, he finds a set of tire tracks]
Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
It's a bruise. It's square.
It's from a trailer hitch. [To Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
He ran her over. This was no random accident.
We've got two homicides, same name, on the same day.
Someone is killing Julie Teegers? [Natalie is now horrified]
[Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, disregarding the stop sign]
CMr. Carlson
Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
CMr. Carlson
I could've sworn we just passed a stop sign. I guess I must be imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
CMr. Carlson
I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly... on top of that big post. [Pause] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first step?
Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
CMr. Carlson
You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold on. [Julie stops] What are you forgetting? [Pause] Your blinker.
Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.
[Three police cruisers immediately emerge from around the corner, sirens wailing, and screech to a halt in front of Julie's car]
Okay, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of the cruiser]
Mom? [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie in the back of the cruiser] What's going on?
You have to come with us right now!
Oh my God! It was just a blinker!
I don't know. I don't know.... Okay. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down.
Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
A history of violence and a mother obsession.
I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
[To Randy] What about your other idea? You said you had two?
Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
[Glances at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator? What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
[Imitates Schwarzenegger] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Can I have that back, please?
[Still imitating] "And things of this nature..".
[Monk walks upstairs to a bedroom in Matthew Teeger's house, and sees Julia sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]
Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him. [No answer] I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?
[He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]
[He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]
Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies... [The camera angle reveals that it actually is a skeleton. Monk nudges the chair with the hairbrush. The figure pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]
Please be dead! Please be dead! [He drops the handkerchief, disgusted]
[Grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
No, no, no, happy to do it.
Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Does she have Tourette syndrome?
[Thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
