TV show quotes
[Claire and Phil are pretending to be strangers at a hotel bar, Claire has just returned from the bathroom wearing her coat]
"Clive", I have a little something for you.
What is it?
[tosses something at Phil] My dress.
Oh..
My bra.
Oh my...
My underwear.
My god!
Yeah. What do you say we take this upstairs.
This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.
[To Cameron, who has been over complimenting their pediatrician] Take it down a notch, we're trying to make a friend, not initiate a three-way.
The party is at an amusement park and Manny's afraid of roller coasters.
Poor kid.
I don't know where he gets his fear from, cause his father is not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars.
But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come then you'll see fear in his eyes, like the waiter's a ghost.
Women in their thirties on the Internet, they're like ninjas. They get in their little black outfits and try to sneak their way into your marriage.
Denise? Do I know Denise?
Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Oh my god, gross! I can't even picture you with a woman.
Thank you.
You had a girlfriend before Mom?
Try two. Trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. And then I met your Mom.
And thank you.
Claire, I know you've got your methods, but so do I, and I'm sorry but I'm not a micro-manager. Trust me, I can provide Luke with the tools and guidance he needs without smothering him.
You think I smother our children?
It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word. You ever hear of anyone being sfathered to death?
[After Mitchell got sprayed by a skunk] The trouble is your clothes, just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.
You're sure, Dad, you're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat from when Manny's all sweaty after his Tango class.
If you don't sweat, you're not doing right!
I'm gonna teach him real chess, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game--not smuggle stuff out of the country.
Eh, I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
Are you sure there's not an "E-I" in the middle?
No its "I-E".
Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.
I don't think they're trying to fool me.
It's Cameron's turn to be out in the world interacting with other grown-ups while I get to stay at home and plot the death of Dora the Explorer. [mumbling] Fill her backpack with bricks, and throw her into Candycane River...
[Enters the car] Hey mom-
That was 20 minutes.
Ergh, mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school, you know, with friends, and I love you so much and I appreciate everything you do for me... I'm still your little girl.
Oh honey, why so sweet?
Can I get twenty dollars? A bunch of us are going to a movie and we're going to get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother is going to take us home.
Okay! Of course, sweetie, you know what? Take forty!
Oh my gosh!
Yeah, that's right!
Thanks mom!
Go on, have a great time!
[Alex leaves the car smiling, running to friends]
[Yelling to Alex from a distance] Oh, Alex, honey! When you're out shopping, you might want to pick up yourself a training bra! I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon! Mummy loves you, kitten! [Mumbling] Teach her to screw with me.
What’s my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes that walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings? He can fly...
I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.
[After he and Mitchell pop a lock on a window of Mitchell & Cameron's house, of which they are locked out] If you show enough houses you learn all the tricks. Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere, but not me...I'm completely clueless.
Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight, it's very stressful.
Yeah, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
I was on the flight with you, I don't recall - oh, I get it, you're talking about me, that's very funny.
Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
[Getting very emotional] All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Five hours of this.
[In a bold, thick Geordie accent] I just wanted to dance at the ballet!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Modern Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
