[Holding up a picture he found] Mom, when was this from?
Oh, that's the year your dad and I went to the Rose bowl.
Mom, you look really pretty.
Well, Lukey, everyone gets older. Just 'cause parts of your mom aren't what they used to be, it doesn't mean-
I mean, what happened in the game?
[After getting a look from Claire] We got our butts kicked by Penn state. The parade was awesome though. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshal. "Good time, she wrote."
[confessional] You know what? You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it? That's 'cause I just sold it.
Cam [confessional on Mitchell's poor and extremely dangerous construction skills] If an accident does happen, I hope he kills me, because I don't think I'd be a very inspiring disabled person.
Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them. They need to know who you wish you were, and they need to try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.
Which is why we don't hide anything.
That is the opposite of what I just said.
[to Jay ] Gloria is right. You being emotionally closed off makes it very difficult for your children to show affection.
You have trouble showing affection in public places?
Was that before or after you were delivered to my door wearing nothing but your underwear and a police blanket?
[The kids walk in ]
Not awesome! And I wasn't arrested. Your grandfather was just telling a joke.
: It was just a joke. [whispers to Claire ] I got a million of 'em.
Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.
Oh, my God. Please tell me this text is wrong. Did you really just go over to that kid's house and try and kiss him in front of a million people?
Oh, yeah. Everybody knows. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?!
This is all your fault! You're the one who said I had to kiss him or I was a lesbian!
Haley, did you say that to her?
Oh, don't turn this on me! Look at her shoes!
I'm never going back to school now.
No, sweetheart. Yes, you are. You are going back to school. But listen to me. Just because a boy sends you flirty texts doesn't mean you -
What?! You read my texts?!
You read her texts?! That's why you made me talk to her?!
You made her talk to me?!
I kind of feel like we're spinning out here a little bit. Look, Alex, the important thing here is that you have to be very careful how you behave around boys because it is so easy to get a reputation.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect little good girl like you were!
Were you?! I highly doubt it!
S2 E3 Earthquake
Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.
Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.
You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.
Manny And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.
You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.
Who, God? Me and God are good.
Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.
Are you gonna go to church next week?
I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.
Can I go golfing with you?
Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.
S2 E6 Halloween
[Haley walks in with a revealing nurse costume]
What? You told me to put on an old costume.
Not from when you were eight. Are you trying to get candy or Japanese business men? Change it. Go.
Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa.
[Haley walks in with a short white dress and a nuns cap]
What? I am her back then when she was hot.
I will give you $10 to go up and put more clothes on.
I bet that's the first time you heard that.
S2 E7 Chirp
[talking about Lilly being in a commercial] Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.
I think that gay cruise has sailed.
[speaking into the phone] No, I think that amount'd be fine. I'm just happy you want Lily. I.. I think you're gonna be very happy with her. Okay.
Cam, did you just sell our baby?
S2 E8 Manny Get Your Gun
[Gloria is looking for her car keys]
You know, we wouldn't be having this problem if you hadn't lost the spare set.
I didn't lose them. Somebody came in here and stole them!
[reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."
Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL.
[to Manny and Luke] Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.
Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others.
That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down. You got any lipstick in your purse?
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Modern Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
