[Preparing to bury Greg whose body is in a wheelchair] Do you want to say a few words?
Er... thanks for the memories. [Dumps Greg's body into hole who groans awake with Rudy whacking Greg with shovel and falling back onto dirt heap] What are you doing?!
I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn?!
Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then?!
Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse!
[Jumps into hole then calls phone] Jess? I found the situation.
I'm sitting on the situation.
What situation are you talking about?
The probation worker situation.
The Abby situation. What's the probation worker situation?
He tried to fuck me. So I accidentally killed him. At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now... he might actually be dead. [Greg groans awake] No, he isn't! He's alive! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation?
Right, good. Well, that's a start. Er...
You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.
[Brings up Abbey] Okay. [Pokes Abbey's mouth who vomits]
ARAged Rudy Two
[To Jess] Always liked you. It's raining. Your hair's so pretty... when it's wet. [Feels her hair]
Jesus Christ. The man's a fucking vegetable.
I tell you what's happened here. The storm. This will be something to do with the storm.
Well, thanks for the heads-up, [[w:Miss Marple|Miss Marple.
Maybe it's something to do with that superpower support group he's been going to.
So, what does he need with a support group, anyway?
Talking about your feelings, that's the first sign of weakness. You want to bottle that stuff up inside you, until it becomes one solid mass of anger and resentment. That's what my Uncle Peter did. Admittedly, he drank himself to death, but that's not the... point. [Answers phone] Hello?
He's hungry. Gammon and egg, and fish and... He wants gammon.
Well, I don't know. Get him some from a vending machine?
Okay, hurry up. You need to be the one dealing with this, not me.
[Holds up flyer to door] Guys, this is it.
The plan is... we go in there and we ask 'em which one turned Rudy 2 into an old man.
If Rudy 2's a regular at this group, they're going to think you're him. Go undercover, pretend to be him and whoever did it'll be surprised to see you. They'll give themselves away.
[Snaps finger and points] That is genius. Here's what I need, right? I need a beard. I need some glasses. I need a pipe. I want a cloak. Get me a staff of some kind.
You need to look like Rudy 2, otherwise they're not gonna think you're him.
This guy, eight GCSEs. [Zips up jacket] Let's go undercover. [Walks down long stairs and opens door to warehouse]
SStuart
Rudy 2. How are you doing?
I would imagine you're... quite surprised to see me, guy.
SStuart
Not really. Um... you always come on a Tuesday.
Let's just say that old habits... die hard. Old... habits.
I'm Finn. [Shakes hands with Stuart]
SStuart
Nice to meet you. Hi.
Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just here for the biscuits.
What was all that with the fucking milky nipples?
What was the plan, Finn? Can you remember it? The plan was, we don't tell anyone what our real powers are.
That was nothing to do with the plan.
Now, listen to me, dude, seriously. Someone here knows something about Rudy 2. I suggest we just split up.
Yeah, I think we should just... [Rudy walks to support group circle] fuck off!
SStuart
So, what's your power?
Milky nipples. 'Cause every time he tells a lie, he just expresses milk from his nipples. It's ridiculous, and he's very embarrassed about it. Now, you're going to have to excuse us, cos we do have other people we need to speak to. [Slaps Stuart on left shoulder and walks past him]
SStuart
You don't have to be embarrassed. About your, um, your power.
What about you? What's your power?
SStuart
Me? Ah... It's, uh, complicated. I don't really like to talk about it.
It's all right. You don't have to if you don't want to.
SStuart
The thing is other people make certain assumptions about my [clears throat] sexuality, and...
What, they think you're gay?
SStuart
Yeah, yeah, I guess they do.
SStuart
No- [he disappears into thin air and then appears in a closet and walks out] Now you know.
Fuck off! You're... You're literally trapped in the closet? [Laughs] How funny is that?! [Stuart gives him a look] And also very serious and quietly poignant.
Actually, I've got a friend who can take powers.
SStuart
How does he take powers? How does it work?
I'll let him fill you in on the details. Oh, you're gonna love him. His name's Alex. He's on community service.
[About old Rudy Two] Who the fuck might this be?! [To Rudy One] What's the matter? Cat got your tongue. [Screeches like a cat] Aren't you going to introduce us?
Shit, I don't know who he is. He's nothing to do with me.
[To Rudy One] Men like this fought in wars. Cheek by jowl. Belly-down, crawling through the mud, the blood and fear and for what? Boys with hair straighteners. Girls in jeggings with their flabby arses hanging out! [To old Rudy Two] It was my very real privilege to have met you, sir. [Salutes him and leaves]
[Holds up tortoise] Um... Alex, will you do me a quick favour? Will you fuck my tortoise?
Um... just give me a minute to think about... that. Er... actually, I don't need a full minute. It's a no.
It's a man and his name's Mark. He's trapped in here and he can't get out.
But I'm still not fucking your tortoise.
You have no idea, do you? I found out what my power is and it's totally useless. There's nothing I can do to help anyone. But you... you can make a difference. You're the only one out of us who can actually change people's lives. And what are you doing about it? Nothing. It's just sat there in your pants. Use your power, Alex. Help people. Be a superhero. Fuck the tortoise, Alex.
[Walks in with bundle of clothes for aged Rudy Two] Right! Here we go, look, clean clothes. You're gonna be beating 'em off with a shitty stick, you are. There you go. All right, let's get... [points to sweater of Rudy Two] what the frigging hell are you wearing?!
ARAged Rudy Two
My jumper. Maggie made it for me.
He was cold. I found it under the sofa.
That's fucking me! That's me! I'm fucking flying! Look!
What are you talking about?
It's the future. That is me, that. I fucking knew... I knew it!
This woman, she knits the future. That is us, look.
All right. How comes there's only four of us?
Well, she's had to miss Finn out, obviously. No one can knit that fucking small, can they?
You've cast a spell! I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't shit. Without that [poking Jess' nose] popping into me head.
Well, I hate to mess up your well established routine of eating, sleeping, and shitting, so, do you want to meet up later and talk about it?
Girl, you're a witch. You're a beautiful freakin' witch. You know that?
So, do you want to talk about what's going on with us?
Yeah, I do. Right, now, when it comes to Finley, there is no us. Honestly, I'll just deny I even know you. "Jess? Who's Jess? Is she that Chinese fellow with a bit of a limp?"
So, we can't just be honest about it?
Of course, we can be honest. We can be honest about it. That's my middle name. Rudy Honest Jeffrey Wade. [They both laugh] You go first.
I like you [Rudy pumps his fist], which is really weird because you can be such a total dick.
Hey, whoa. Well, I refute that. That's... That is refuted.
If you want to start seeing me, I'm not going to sneak around. We have to tell Finn.
Or we could just not tell him. Bingo.
[In locker room] Finlay? [Whispers] Check your messages. Might find a little... present there.
God. Is she taking a shit?
She's taking the Mother Teresa of all shits, dude.
Her face is all contorted! What the fuck?
I know! It's enough to put you off her, isn't it? Ugh, I can't watch... oh, my God!
Consider yourself cured of your childish infatuation.
Why have you sent me a video of Jess taking a shit?
Yeah, I got one of those, too. I thought it was one of those e-greeting cards.
Shit! [Runs out front door to lakeside promenade to Jess on her phone and knocks her phone sending it flying out of her hand into the lake] Morning! Good morning, Jessica!
What the fuck are you doing? That's my phone!
Yeah, I know. I've only gone and bloody liberated you. Freed you from the tyrannies of freakin' texting. You free now? Just take off your shackles. Get rid of 'em. Throw it in there. [in sing-song] Free Nelson Mandela, Shoes too small to fit these feet. [Speaking normally] He should have gone to Clarks. They do have a bit of a wider fit.
You're paying for a new phone.
What do you mean? You don't have insurance? Bloody hell. Well, some people might call that a bit irresponsible. You know what I mean? [Jess gives him a look] Not me, I think it's adorable. I call it adorable.
I call it not having a fucking phone. [Storms off]
So how does this girl's power work?
Well, I don't know. Her mate seems to think it's something to do with computers and freakin' insert yourself into people. I don't really understand it, but she has got our little monkey man, and I for one will not let him be experimented on. Unless she's dressing him up, man, like one of them chimps in the PG Tips adverts, then colour me amused.
Once. It's happened once before. I was shagging a doctor. Well... well, by doctor, I mean the receptionist at the vet's. And so I bend her over the table in the treatment room and I've got fucking Peter staring at me with his sad, dead eyes. So...
Who's Peter? Was that the vet?
No, he was my bunny, Peter the rabbit. I was having him put down.
And, honest to God, I abso... Fucking hell, I loved that rabbit. He had these massive big floppy ears. They felt like... honestly, it was like furry velvet on your skin.
So, you have him put down and then you slip it up the receptionist?
No, no, no, no, I couldn't slip it up the receptionist, because I was filled with this sort of... I don't know, like a bloody... overwhelming sense of love for Peter the rabbit. My dick was... honestly, as soft, floppy and as velvety as his frigging ears. It was a nightmare.
Honestly. That's what it... that's what it is. Fuck me. That's what... that's what it is. It's because I love you.
Yeah. I love you like I loved Peter Rabbit. And that's why my cock won't frigging work. I have a really sarcastic penis.
Do you mean you have an ironic penis? Is that what you mean?
That's from when Saunders slammed it into a door.
What did Finn say, has he found out about us?
No, he thinks I've killed a baby seal.
Well look, guys, all of this stuff, it's gonna be something to do with the storm, isn't it?
Who's this fucking guy, man? Clever and handsome, it's unbelievable.
