What happened to the baby?
Oh, what?! Alex gets his dick back, Mum gets her baby back. I don't get my beautiful nun. How the frig is that fair?
So, I guess this is it, then. Emotional farewell.
That's the beauty of pretending to be on community service. You're not actually on community service. Maybe see you around.
[Appears] You've been fucking with me! You don't get to fuck with me! [Leans into Abbey] Do you know what they do to people who pretend to be on community service?
It had a nun in it. And it was a great film, weren't it? [Clears throat] Happy... Happy Feet. Happy F... Penguins! Ha-ha! It had penguins in it. I'm getting... I'm an idiot.
Penguins. Are they birds or are they fish? Does it really matter anyway? We're all God's creatures. So... all right. [Does dance by Bert from Mary Poppins] Brrr! [Quacks] Happy Feet, innit? [Laughs]
It's just an 'abit. Habit! 'Cause you... no? Ohh. [Nun closes door to congregational room and Rudy sees Nadine, exhales] So. As it turns out, you're a nun. [Laughs] A... A nun. I'd have never seen that comin'. [Laughs]
I wanted to tell you. I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, you and this nun thing... what does that mean... for me and you, and... us and our thing? I mean, is there even a thing, or...
I've given myself to Jesus.
Y- Yeah. But... you know, you and the Jesus fella, is that exclusive, really, 'cause... I'd settle for being your booty call!
I can't see you again. I'm sorry.
It's... It's all right. So... I understand that's a good decision. I never meant for this to happen. It's all right. It's fine. It's Jesus. [Laughs] He's the Son of God. I'm just a dickhead. With a big mouth. And a bag, which is yours. You left it. I'll just... I'll pop it up here, eh? [Hangs bag from a hand of outstretched arms of Jesus] She's all yours. Just be nice. She's special, this one.
They should call it Sad Feet. [Walks away]
[To Nadine watching Rudy walk away] You must never see him again. It's too dangerous.
[Praying at apartment window] The Lord... giveth... and your boy takes awayeth. Sometimes the... taking away feels a little bit... more than the giving, but...
I am praying, dude. I'm praying... to the Lord Jesus Christ, in the heavens above, that Nadine stops being a frigging nun, so I can... express my physical love for her in a... beautiful... union of our two genitals. [Does hand motions] Amen.
What, and God, he's taking these kind of requests, is he?
If he can build Noah a massive friggin' ark, he can spare a nun for old Rudy, can't he? You know what I mean?
I'm not being funny, but... you and a nun, it's not really something...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do not say whatever it is you're about to say.
What are you saying? I'm not sayin' anything.
Yeah, well, don't say anything.
Well, that's good. 'Cause in the Bible it says, "Judge not what a man hath done, but judge what he could have done if he was a different bloke altogether. "For art thou a leper... and a leper can changeth his spots, Finn."
I'm pretty sure it's "leopard".
That's the same difference.
It... It is. Anyway, it's all piss under the bridge, dude, 'cause I am gonna go and confess all my sins, be absolved for all responsibility of anything... ever. What a sweet deal. Innit?
So when are you doing this, then, this... confessin'?
[To community servers washing off graffiti] What's this?! What's with the strange lingering silence? Where's your comic banter? And witty repartee, the... rebellious backchat? What the fuck is up with you lot?
Well, she's thinking about her incredibly hot boyfriend and his new cock.
He's obsessing over her, even though she doesn't think of him like that and is never gonna shag him.
Well... I- I- let her... speak for herself, shall we, Jess?
And him... He's in love with a nun.
I am, man, I'm in love with a nun!
Which is always going to end up badly.
Oi... no! Why do you have to say something like that? Eh?
[Walks up to Abbey] What about you, sweetcheeks?
I'm still looking for some kind of emotional connection. I'm starting to think I'm never going to find it. Which makes me feel sad and... lost and strangely horny, like I want to fuck away the pain.
You take the pain... and you hang onto it. You bury it! Deep inside you! Do you feel it?! Do you feel it? 'Cause that's it. Feels like your guts are strangling your heart. Lap it up, it's good for the soul.
Why are you looking at him like that?
It's like a weight's been lifted. Or reattached. I'm talkin' about his cock.
Why are you all so obsessed with his cock?
I wouldn't say I'm obsessed.
If you're really that into it, why don't you go over there and ask him to show it to you? 'Cause he's working. And there's probably... a health and safety thing about cocks and alcoholic drinks. Well, there should be.
[Referring to Abbey flirting with Alex] Look at her. This whole "search for a bullshit connection" thing, it's just an excuse to be an enormous slut.
All right, well, that's... all worked out very nicely, hmm? Um... I have things to do and places to be, so I'll see you tomorrow.
[Talking to Alex] Okay... I'll see you later. [Walks away]
Is she? I'm sure you're very friendly with all the ladies.
Do yourself a favour. Mind your own fuckin' business. [Walks up porch steps]
Maybe I'll make it my business. Maybe... I should go into the business of making your business... my business, and... and then we'll see whose b... business it is. [Alex jerks head forward startling Finn, then Alex chuckles and walks away]
[At urinal, repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace. [To Rudy Two] Oi! Should be helping me out with some of these, you. Some of these Hail Marys are yours.
Why? Why would I need to repent for your sins?
Because, dude, you're a twat! You're a miserable twat, and that's the most terrible sin.
Do you know, honestly... do you honestly believe that God's gonna let you have a relationship with Nadine because you've said 50,000 Hail Marys?
The priest said that I have to repent to be forgiven.
He said you were gonna burn in hell.
Yeah, and I chose to ignore that. I'll tell you something right now, fella. Would it kill you to have a little bit of friggin' Christian compassion? You fucking dick! You know, I I- I cannot get her out of me mind. It's like the friggin' birds are singing her name in the trees.
That's enough! Fuck, it's torture! Come on, let's just do it. Let's get it out the way. Only 25,000 Hail Marys each.
Oh, ridiculous. [Repeatedly] Hail Mary, full of grace.
Hail Marying worked. There is a friggin' God. See it up top there. [Holds up hand for high five with Rudy Two ignores]
Just... whatever. How's me hair? Is it all right? [Rudy Two reaches out which Rudy One swipes down] Just get off... No, get off, it's fine. Get in here, come on. She doesn't need to see this freak show. Come on.
No, I thought you were gonna be honest with her.
Ohh... D'you know what? Some people might find your naivety really charming, but I don't. I do not, not at all. Get in! [They morph singularly]
Do you wanna hear a joke?
What's black and white and red all over? [Pause] Nun in a blender. [They laugh]
Erm, all right. All right, what's black and white, black and white, and then red?
Hey! Respect, mate! You know your nun jokes!
All right, what black and white and smells musty? A nun's cunt! Ahh. Shit.
Aw, it doesn't matter. It's nothing. I'm... It's... nothing's... nothing's musty.
Urn... Probably... underuse... or just a lack of air circulation... resulting in... general mustiness.Forgive me, Father, I have... Love, I have sinned.
I'm not a priest, I can't hear your confession.
No, you... you don't understand. I... I've-I've... I've done terrible, horrible, vile things. I have had sexual relations with women up the... what do your nuns called the arse?
The a... up the anus! Rudy.
I have had a... a diet of crisps and sugary snacks.
I think you can get a pass for the crisps.
No, you don't understand. I have... I have inserted sugary snacks into women.
I have misused confectionery in the most vile and vulgar manner. I have violated myself with a fucking king-size... [Nadine grabs him in passionate kissing] Mars bar. I don't care. I don't care what you've done in your past. You've got a good heart. I promised myself to God. I was prepared to dedicate my life to him. I see things. Violence and cruelty and suffering. Sometimes I question his existence. Then I met you. I've never felt like this.
Doubted my faith even more.
I'm not... I'm not asking you to give up your faith or anything. I'll share you with God. He'll probably want you Sundays, won't he?
He does like his Sundays.
Right, well, then he can have you Sundays, I'll have you rest of week. How's that sound? How's that sitting with you, big fella?
I think he's cool with it.
That's settled, then. Forgive me, I'm gonna have to nip to the... What do... nuns call the toilet?
You can talk how you normally talk.
Well... in that case, I'm gonna go for an enormous fucking shit.
All right, no, fair enough. I reckon I'm getting the hang of this now, you know.
[Doing prayer in front of washroom mirror] It's... It's me, Rudy, Lord. I... I just want you to know that I'm gonna take good care of her and... God, I'll cherish the fuck out of her. For I am a sheep. And you're a shepherd. And... a sheep... always keeps his promises. So, amen. Oh, and if you could do anything about me bowels an' all, please, that would be very much appreciated, as I am shitting elephants. Amen. Fuck.
[Finn enters room after Nadine been kidnapped by her convent sister nuns] Have you seen my nun?
Please tell me you didn't?
No, no, I didn't do that, because I'm a friggin' sheep, and she's fucking ran off again, hasn't she? Honestly, man, I am not sure how much more of this my fragile heart can take. Honestly... [Points and looks up] Have you done this?! You've... You've done this! You've... You've built up my dreams and y- y- you've crushed 'em! You're not a shepherd! You're a friggin' penis, sir!
You can't call God a penis!
Oh. Shit, fucking! [Smashes TV set with a baseball bat]
Well, we're just gonna have to put it down to an act of God, Finlay! Shit! God, what a bell-end!
[In locker room] Oh... D'you know, honestly, man, I have bailed on more girls I care to remember. All just becomes a bit of a blur, to be honest with you, with all the soft hair, silky vaginas. [Chuckles] I've climbed out of windows, I've faked me own death. I've bailed mid-fuck.
You've walked out on someone mid-fuck?
Yeah, there's a... Yes, there's a point. And the point is, and this is fucking heart-breaking, there are shitters and there are people that get shat on. I'm a shitter and I've been shat on from a bloody great height and it's killing me. You know, me heart's in little pieces all over the floor here.
Yeah, along with me flat-screen TV.
Ohhh! Will you shut up?! [Finn walks away] And stop... Where are you going? Oi! Did we not agree that that was an act of God? The TV? We did not. Fuck's sake! Shut up!
You've gotta fight for her.
[Scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're such an expert on relationships! "Hello! Would you like to put your hand down my knickers?"
I know I'm searching for what he's got, and when I find it, I'd fight for it. I guess you're just not feeling that with Alex. It's a shame.
Really? [Softly] Is that true?
Did I say the wrong thing? Sorry.
No, no, no. You're right. You are both right and you're friggin' strange. [Claps hand, points up and runs away, turning to them] You have to fight for the nun you love... That's what's happening. [Leaves door] Whoa!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?
I've just... I'm... I'm- I'm going to see a nun to tell her that I love her, actually. And you can't stop me, please, mate.
What if I broke both your legs? Would that stop you?
No, I'd crawl, man. I'd... dude, I'd crawl through broken glass and dog shit if I had to, really, I would. [Sighs]
[Puts both hands on Rudy's shoulders] Hey. That's what love feels like. Crawling naked... through broken glass and dog shit. Naked? [Slides hands down off Rudy's arms] I should know. I was in love once. Didn't say anything, I was too scared. Lost them for ever. That's... That's a shame, man. Feel your pain, man. That's horrid. You crawl... through the broken glass... and through the dog shit... and you fucking tell her how much you love her, [Slams hands past Rudy on door menacingly] OR SO HELP ME GOD, OR I WILL FUCK YOU TO KINGDOM COME!
Oh! That's good stuff. Go on, then, consider me motivated. I am... I am ready... to do this. [Clears throat starts inching along] Cor... Ohh... Oh! Squeeze past there, Greg. [Runs away]
