[Following Jess] What are you doing?
I'm not giving him back. I'm keeping him. He's mine now.
You can't keep somebody else's baby.
What, you don't think I can look after it?
No, to be honest with you, not really.
Why would you even want another woman's baby?
[Turns around and screams] I don't know who I am! [Normally] When the storm happened, I lost my memory. I forgot everything. No-one's looking for me. I've got no-one.
What, are you like an orphan?
No. Well, I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think so. It's the first time I've felt really part of something. He needs me. I can love him and he can love me. I'm not giving him back.
D'oh... that's a very beautiful and, er... a very sad thing you just said there.
Anyway, I'm fuckin' starving and I'm eating for two, so I'm gonna go and get a Kit Kat
[Community servers come upon Alex on a bench] Thought I'd take you somewhere nice for lunch. Then I thought, "Nah, fuck that. Petrol station." [Hands Jess a sandwich]
[To Alex and Jess] You all right?
Look at 'em. The happy couple.
I'm stupid for even thinking I could compete with him. I mean, look at 'em. Perfect.
[To Finn] Fuck it, right. You... You, shut up, you forced this out of me. He is a man... with a fanny. Are you happy now?
What, he's got a fanny? What, he's a woman?
He's got both, like a worm?
Shit, I don't know how it works. It's storm-related, innit? All I know is where once there was a penis, there is now merely a vagina.
Dude, honestly, Alex, sexy barman, he's got no dick.
[Laughs] Oh, my God. This is the greatest day of me life. I c- I could cry happy tears all over his little hairy man fanny. Yeah, listen, don't be saying anything, though, because apparently he's quite sensitive about the whole thing, you know what I mean?
Oh, he's sensitive, is he? Oh, dear. Yeah, well he might be good-looking, and he might have the girl, but he hasn't got a penis and, really, isn't that all that matters?
Well, yeah, there's that and the love of a good woman, really.
So, he hasn't got a dick and you have, but Jess would still rather be with him.
Great. Thanks for ruining the moment. [Walks awway]
[Walks into washroom to Finn at urinal] Mate, listen. I just... I reckon maybe it's time you cut your losses now. You know, the whole Jess thing?
Maybe I should just tell her that I'm not gonna take any more of her shit.
Yeah, you're right. Of course I'm right. Oi. Check this out. Right, now, I'm gonna give you three guesses. [Pulls down jumpsuit with genitals tucked in legs] Who am I? [Imitates Alex] Ho-way! Y'all right? Oh, look at the state of that. I've got a lovely soft fanny. It's all soft and furry. Look at me little furry Virginia. Oh, it's like a little squirrels gone in there, give it a stroke. I want it to become my friend. I don't... Here he is! Big man. How you doing? You all ri... Oh. That was a bit of a clanger, wasn't it?
[Opens door to Mark] This better be good.
MMark
I know where it is. I know who's got your cock. [Alex looking over photograph in apartment] Apparently, she just turned up one night with a cock. No surgery, nothing.
MMark
She calls herself James. She hangs around in the karaoke bar on the estate.
[Hands over bundle of cash] There's half. You get the rest when I get it back.
MMark
[Alex picks up a gun] What are you doing? You never said anything about hurting anyone! [Shoves Alex]
Don't try and stop me! [Strikes Mark on head with gun knocking him out]
Probation worker's looking me up on the system.
But if you lost your memory, how do you know your name's Abby Smith?
I don't. I just thought it sounded all right, so I went with that. Abby Smith. Abby s... Abby s... Abby Smith.
All the names in all the bloody world - you could have been Jasmine. G- Geraldine, you could have been. But, no, here... Here she is. Abby S... Smith, as well!
So, what... Seriously, have you found me?
You told me where you worked.
Yes, I did tell you where I... because it's the community centre, is where I am. Fucking caretaker of the community... Centre of the community. It's a thankless job, really. It's pre... It's pretty... It's pretty humble. I think it has its own... sort of quiet dignity to it, though.
Anyway, do you feel okay?
Yeah, I'm all right. [Strainedly, does a-okay sign] I'm absolutely tiptop. Just gonna have to excuse me for just a minute, cos... Fuck! Uh! [Runs away]
What are you playing at, man? You're messing this up.
What, no, I'm not, dude. I'm trying... I'm trying.
You're not, you're being weird. What's all this? [Mockingly displays a-okay sign]
You know, honestly, I like this one. She's amazing.
Whoa, hey, whoa. What do you mean? What do you... What you on about, you fancy her or summat?
Yeah, think I do, yeah. Right, well, she's mine, so back off. You keep your friggin' mitts off her, pal. Why don't you get it? This is the one girl we can both agree on. We could both be happy here.
This is why you can't afford to fuck this up.
Shit, man, help me out. I'm getting all nervous around her and...
Be straight with her, yeah? And no bullshit. You know, just for once in your life, you need to talk to her like she's a human being instead of a piece of meat.
Why does she keep running off, then?
Because she's a girl. That's what they do. They string you along like a little puppy and then, when you think you've got a chance, they end up with... some guy who works in a bar who doesn't even have a dick. Maybe she's some sexy psycho werewolf who doesn't want you finding out.
Well, fuck... What if it's that? Shit!
Oi! Don't swear in front of the bump!
[See Nadine running up a hill across the lake] Come on, we need to follow her.
[Answers phone] Yeah? All right, just...
I need you to meet me at the karaoke bar on the estate, er... Something's going on with Alex. He is gonna try and get his cock back. I'm really worried what he's gonna do.
To be honest, I really couldn't give a shit about you and Alex. So I'm probably gonna give it a miss.
Why are you being such a prick?
Good luck with it, though, yeah? I hope you're happy together. Fuck. I've... I've just hung up on Jess, that's really rude.
Wait. Is she shitting in the bushes? Why would she be shitting in the bushes?
It's the werewolf thing, I told you.
Hey, we need to be getting to the karaoke bar.
[Nadine appears in a nun's habit] What the f... ohh. Shit, I'm in love with a fucking nun.
I'm just gonna call her back.
What are the fucking chances? When was the last time you even saw a nun?
[Approaches Jess at a nightclub] I'm really sorry for hanging up on you.
Yeah, it doesn't matter. Let's just get on with it, yeah?
Oh, right, now, listen. If I go in there, am I gonna get my penis stolen?
Why would anyone want to steal your puny little cock?
He's got a point, actually. I can't have anyone stealing my fanny. I'm gonna be using it very soon.
We just need to find Alex, okay? [Walking up to Alex following James] What are you doing? I went to your flat, I know what's going on.
Dude. Dude, I'm sorry about the dick-tuck thing. It was fucking insensitive.
Where is she? Where has she gone?
[Takes the karaoke stage] This is a song very close to my heart. I hope you'll like it, too.
Is that the probation worker?
[Pointing gun at James abdomen] Get it out! I want to see it!
JJames
I don't know what you're talking about!
Get your dick out right now! [James whips out Alex's penis] That's mine! You stole it from me, you piece of shit!
JJames
Look, I had to, there was no other way.
I swear to God, it better be okay. If I find out you've been putting it anywhere that you shouldn't have been...
JJames
It's not about that, it's not about sex.
Alex. Look at me. Let's just calm down, yet? I know you really want it back, but don't fuck up everything you've already got.
JJames
[Holds shattered bottle to Alex's penis] Right, drop the gun or I'll do it. I'll fucking cut it.
JJames
I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. You've got five seconds. Five. Four. Three. Two. One... [Alex points gun at head]
I'm a freak. I'm disgusting. You're all laughing at me. I don't feel like I'm me, I don't feel like I'm anything. And I can't live without my cock. I don't wanna live like this any more.
JJames
[Drops bottle on ground] Oh, don't. Just... Look, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just did what I had to do. 'Cause all my life, it's all I've wanted. I don't want it. Not like this. [James inserts hand into Alex's pants and returns his penis]
[Walks into community centre] Oh, yeah? So, what have you come to give me this time? Twins?
Look, I know what you might think of me. That I'm a shit mum, but... I got scared. I've really missed him.
Too late. You didn't want him.
Jake. That's what I was gonna call him. I thought I couldn't do it, and I probably can't, but I've got to try. And since he's been gone, he's all I can think about. He is the only thing I've got.
You'd better fucking look after him. If he grows up to be a pimp, a child molester or a probation worker, I will kick your arse.
