Misfits Season 1 quotes

Nathan

We may have done sod all with our powers, but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone!

Curtis

[Referring to Alisha] She raped me, and we killed loads of people.

Nathan

...Okay, but we're the good guys!

Elliot

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...

Nathan

Now he's starting on the Muslims!

Our Lord has sacrificed Himself, again.

Kelly

He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead with a few super powers.

Super powers? Do you really expect me to believe that?

Curtis

You've seriously lost your cool.

Alisha

Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.

Nathan

[Swiping a plastic baby doll from the manger] Sorry, Jesus.

Marnie

I think I'm having another! I think I'm having twins!

Nathan

What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Marnie

What is it?

Nathan

You're giving birth to an alien!

Marnie

Get it out, get it out!

Nathan

[Pulls out placenta stomping on it and spraying everyone with blood] Die!

Kelly

It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!

Nathan

Anyway, so... happy Christmas, one and all.

Curtis

That is a fucking horrible jumper.

Nathan

Shut up. It was a Christmas present from Marnie. That's very rude.

Kelly

Is there any reason why have to have the same powers as we had before?

Alisha

Mine died with that Jesus guy.

Simon

[Waiting to see Seth] He said if we've got the money, we can take our pick.

Seth

[All community servers silently standing before Seth] Okay. So who's first? [All community servers are unresponsive]

Kelly

[Walks forward] You're all such pussies! I'll do it. [Sits in front of Seth letting him take her hand and connects with him]

Rudy

[At Seth's door slot] Right, I need to speak to the... cool, mysterious... power guy. Is he... is he in?

[Walks onto tower block rooftop and sees Rudy 2 at edge] Oh... what the fuck... do you think you're doing?

You think you can get rid of me? I'm a part of you.

Cool power guy with the suits, he could've sorted all this bullshit out, but, oh no, you had to make a big drama, didn't you?

I'm not gonna let you bury me. I'm staying right here.

Oh, you're such a whiny little bitch!

You hate me, you hate yourself.

Nobody loves themselves more than I do. I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat, wouldn't I?

So we're back to the whole, "I'm gay", thing there, really, aren't we?

What you bringing that up for? I'm not gay.

D'you remember that time in PE, when you were in the showers and you got turned on watching Richard Saunders soaping his balls?

Oh, it's pathetic! It's sad.

You thought about it when you were screwing the fake vagina you made out of Mum's rubber gloves.

[Fighting clone] Ah...! Out of order, out of order.

You trying to fuck me?

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I am you!

You're nothing to do with me! [They fall over edge merely landing on a lower rooftop]

Rudy! [Groans] That could've gone horribly wrong, that. You could have killed us.

Shut up whining.

Rudy

[Walks up to Shaun at vending machine] You're not gonna ask about me limp?

Shaun

No.

Rudy

No, of course not! 'Cause that would just be doing your job, wouldn't it? I'm not sure you're cut out to be a probation worker, mate.

Shaun

Is that right?

Rudy

Yeah.

Shaun

When you're finished with the careers advice, you can piss off and pick up some litter with [referring to Tanya and Charlie] those other two shitheads.

Rudy

Right. [Shaun emasculatingly pats him on cheek and walks away, to Tanya and Charlie] Before... all the accusations, recriminations start flying around, before harmony turns to discord and everyone starts shouting and jabbing their fingers at each other, right, I just want to say for the record, hand on heart, the other hand on a Bible, that it wasn't absolutely wasn't me who left the big floater in the toilet back there.

These are the designs for an intercontinental ballistic missile.

Kelly

Yeah, mate. Check out the propulsion system. It's liquid nitrogen, it's wicked.

Where did you get them?

Kelly

I drew 'em.

[Laughs] You? You honestly expect me to believe that?

Kelly

You think I nicked them? I fucking drew 'em. They're my designs!

Get her out of here.

Kelly

[Security attempts to manhandle her] Take your hand off me, you prick! I'm a fucking rocket scientist! [Security manhandles her away]

Kelly

These new powers are bullshit. I thought this power would make me dead clever and everything, but all I know is how to build and design rockets.

Curtis

I guess it does exactly what it says on the tin.

Kelly

Except there's no fucking tin with all the instructions on it. No one believes someone like me could be a rocket scientist.

Alisha

Well, you don't exactly look like a rocket scientist.

Kelly

Maybe I should get some glasses, make me look dead intelligent.

Curtis

Yeah, that'll do it.

You've just had unprotected anal sex with that girl.

I most certainly did. And she loved it.

What if she's got HIV?

Cute girls don't get HIV.

You need to take her to the clinic, you need to get her to have some tests, get her a full work-up.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. D'you know how rare it is to find a girl who genuinely, honest to God, absolutely loves it up the arse?

She totally knocked you back.

She's playing hard to get, mate.

She's out of your league. She's laughing her arse off at you. You can't go back in there. You gonna have to... Oh, climb through the window! Just go. C'mon.

No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14?

D'you mean the thing with the neighbor's cat?

No! We do not talk about that! Right?

Where are you going?

Just fuck the fuck off.

Rudy

[Tanya froze time and bottled Rudy and put the bottle in Curtis' hand] You've... you've bottled me!

Curtis

What are you talking about?!

Rudy

This man just bottled me!

Curtis

I didn't do anything to you!

Rudy

[To Charlie] Me face! Am I still, am I still gorgeous?

Alisha

Why do we always have to get involved? Can't we just do normal stuff that normal people do, like... go for brunch?

Kelly

What the fuck is brunch?