Misfits · Season 1
[After running from the cops with Simon and Kelly] I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.
[Curtis shows up] I thought they had you.
No. I got away. I... [looks at Rudy] I did my thing.
Ah! If that's some sort of vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cause I am cool and the gang with all that. [To Simon] You're very starey.
And what can I do for you?
There's this girl on the estate, yeah? She used a power to make it look like me and my mates trashed a car, the police are after us.
And you're telling me because?
I thought you could do something about it, take her power or something.
Oh, right, did you? [Feigns searching at desk] Right, well, I'll just find my cape and tights and get on it.
You think this is funny, don't you? Do you see me laughing?
I don't think I've ever seen you smile.
'Cause you always sit there with a massive shit-eating grin on your face. Mister Fucking Happy! Look, are you gonna do something about this girl or not?
I... really don't see that happening.
You don't give a shit about anyone, do you?
I give a shit about me.
And just so you know, this new power. It's rubbish.
But you're a rocket scientist.
Yeah, and you're a dick!
Come by any time.
[Notices dog-shaped charity donation bin missing] The little bastards. [Slams Rudy's locker shut] Which one of you fuckers took the dog?
What dog? Was there even a dog?
The charity box, for the blind? The Labrador, retriever, whatever the fuck it was. Who nicked it?
What? I don't know nothing about no dog, man. Was there... was there a dog? Where is there... a dog?
[Pokes sign into Rudy's throat] Who took it?
Right... I really hate to be a grass... but I did see that strangely intense girl with slightly inadequate breasts, she was carrying something heavy and dog-shaped over to her locker before...
Which one?
It's number 43. [Shaun uses fire extinguisher to bust open locker]
[Sees Tanya walking] Hey. [Gestures] Come here. Mm, come here. The probation worker's looking for you.
And why's that?
Because he seems to be under the impression that you've stolen a dog-shaped charity box, on account of him having found it in your locker. Mm! You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you right back with a cherry on top.
You have no idea what I can do to you.
You think you can use your little power to fi... x... this. But you're too late, because he's already reported you. And the cops are already coming. [Chuckles] You're going down, sweet child. Don't mess with the assman!
[To Simon] So you're with Alisha, aren't you? That's great, man. I'm with that beautiful, innocent-looking girl down there. Yeah. She absolutely loves it up the arse! I know! I know, we're all just pussying around, aren't we? "Should I slip it up there?" "No, you can't. That's where she makes toilet." Turns out... Come here. Turns out... it's also the way to a woman's heart.
You stick anything up my arse and I will break your face.
It's just the posh ones. It's just the posh ones. Listen... just so you know, you don't have to worry about that girl who screwed with us, cos your Uncle Rudy's all over that shit like a motherfucker-r-r-r-r!
It doesn't matter.
What, it doesn't matter that your girlfriend used to be called The Cock Monster?
We've all got a past. I've got... two pasts. All that matters is us, here, now. Do you know what they used to call me at school? The Pussy Meister.
Shut up!
I was getting so much pussy, I didn't know what to do with it, just... loads of pussy, everywhere...
Will you please stop saying "pussy"?
How've you got in here?
Broke a window.
[Tuts] D'you know, this isn't working out for either of us. I think we should stay split.
Per... permanently?
Why not? You've had your moment in the sun. You've got it all off your chest. Consider me humiliated. You're your own man now. We can go our separate ways, separate lives. We don't have to see each other ever again. What d'you say? Maybe you could move to Wales,
I've no fucking intention of going there! So you can walk around like you're happy all the time?
It works for me. I don't need you turning up every time I feel down, reminding me of everything that makes me feel shit about meself.
Yeah, but it's a part of who you are.
No. It's a part of who you are. Mate, all this fighting, arguing, nobody wants to get stabbed in the shoulder with a pair of scissors. It's not cool, and it hurts. C'mon, man, let's just stay split. I'm gonna take your moody silence as a "yes".
Try not to break another window on your way out.
Jesus!
[A cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.
Whose car is it?
Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?
We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.
Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [Skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.
[Walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.
[To Kelly writing in a notebook on rooftop] What you doing?
Designing a new propulsion system.
Why?
Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist!
Ah! Are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one. Mine could be, "Now you see me... now you see two of me."
Why do we need catchphrases?
You know, for when shit goes down, man. Oh, c'mon, d'you really think we're just gonna spend the next seven weeks ambling about, picking up litter?
He's got a point.
Yeah, well, maybe it'll be different this time. Maybe there won't be any shit going down.
Oh, trust me, there'll be shit. It's in the air. I can smell it.
[Alisha notices Curtis noticing women in jogging attire and speaks to him with his walkman earbuds in, he pulls out walkman earbuds] What d'you say?
I said, "Do you miss it?" The running?
Ain't nothing I can do about it, is there? Why are you even asking?
You're in a good mood.
You should do the Lottery. Use your power. See the numbers. Take their trousers down, we'll stick it to 'em, split it 50/50.
Why should I split it with you?
Because it was my idea, you! I'm the brains, you're the stare. Okay. 60/50.
[Chuckles] It's supposed to add up to 100.
Whoa, don't even think about screwing me, [swipes Simon's cheek with paint scraper handle] sweet cheeks! 70/40. Final offer.
I don't get to choose what I see.
Ah! Fine! 80/30. But I feel like I'm being raped here, and not in a good way.
What are you smiling at?
What? Am I not allowed to smile?
You look like you just got laid.
Have you just had a shag?
Something like that.
Who's the lucky girl?
You don't know her.
[Looking under vehicle engine hood] Piece of shit! Won't start. I don't know why I opened the bonnet. I don't know what I'm looking at.
D'you want me to take a look?
What, you know about cars?
Well, I know about electronics, cause I'm a fucking rocket scientist, aren't I? [Makes an adjustment] Try it now. [Engine turns over]
Thanks. You want a lift? Look, you've already undermined my masculinity. At least let me drive you somewhere. Get in. Where to?
There. [Seth drives a short distance] Thanks for the lift.
Any time. I owe you.
Well, you can give us a new power if you want.
I don't owe you that much. Right, see you around.
[Running alongside Mel on track circuit] D'you mind if I run with you?
Yeah, I do.
[Mel completely ignores him] You, er, fancy going for a drink sometime? How about dinner? Hm? Please yourself. I'll catch you on the next lap, yeah? [Mel runs on from him]
[Approaches Emma] You look like you had a late one.
You'll never guess who I met last night.
Who?
Curtis Donovan. D'you remember him?Sprinting guy that got banned. It was a drugs thing.
Right. So what's he like?
Well, I thought he was cute. Then we went back to his...
By the time my ban's over, it'll be too late. No decent coach is gonna want to work with me. And all the guys I trained with, I was way better than them.
He was so negative about everything. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself!
Running's the only thing I was ever really... really good at. It was the only thing that made me feel good about myself.
It's like he blames everyone else for what's happened to him. I had to kiss him just to shut him up! I ended up giving him a sympathy shag.
What do you mean?
Big mistake. The guy is clueless. It was some of the worst sex I have ever had. [Laughs]
I have to warm down. [Walks away]
What d'you want?
I want you to come for a drink with me. Just one drink.
I'm not interested, okay?!
You don't know what you're missing. I know how to please a woman.
[Shaun puts hand on her rear] Take your fucking hand off my arse before I break it!
Oh, my mistake. [She walks away] Lesbian.
Ho, ho! Oh, that were brutal, weren't it? That were like watching someone fist a baby lamb. She just took a huge shit in your mouth!
Shut the fuck up, man!
All right. Look, it... you know, it happens to all of us. Women are cruel and insensitive, and they are hurtful. But they're so beautiful. They smell really nice. They smell like... toffee apples.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
