It's a fancy-dress party. It's dark. You'll all be wearing masks. It's the perfect opportunity to commit murder. And incest!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[At the costume dance party] Does anyone else feel like a total cunt?
[To Simon dressed as a Lucha libre] You look like a proper superhero. [Takes him away glancing at the community servers]
[Referring to Jessica] Nice costume.
Er, she looks like a slut.
Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.
[Finds Curtis on a rooftop, starts taking off dress and walking towards him] Hey, I've just been thinking about you.
What're you doing?
I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.
Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.
Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?
I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.
Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.
It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.
Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer. She's a virgin.
I knew there was something wrong with her!
There isn't any more.
I'm proud of you, man! [chuckles] Oh! Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.
Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.
I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.
R1Reporter 1
How would you describe your ability?
I call it lactokinesis.
R2Reporter 2
What's it like being called the world's first superhero?
[Watching on TV] That has to be the shittiest power ever.
[Nathan, Curtis and Simon are urinating in the washroom]
Hey, man. I can't believe this guy has gone public.
You'd better believe it. Because he's going to make a fortune. Maybe we should think about doing the same. The early bird catches the massive pay check. [To Curtis] Nice cock, man.
Fuck off!
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Look, we finish our community service in two days. [Holds up hand] Count them. I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped with lucrative job offers. We need to think about cashing in on our powers. [A shot reveals Shaun on a in a stall listening and Nathan walks up to sink mirror] I mean, I'm immortal. I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers, massive burgers, the size of my head. Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [To himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!
I sound retarded.
[Turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
'Cause you just are, man.
[Approaches in recreation centre hallway] Simon!
What?
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she says she can't see me, so... seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you, it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else. Trust me. [Simon opens front door to be greeted by a media circus]
What was that?
They know about us.
Who?
Everyone.
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Bullshit.
No way.
Are you serious?
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Don't open the door.
That is really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't. [Shaun appears carrying a box] You! You told them about us!
Yeah.
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it? Is that ironic? Never too sure.
You're our probation worker! You're supposed to sort us out!
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Like you give a shit.
That's a good point. See you.
Where you going?
Antigua. Hm. So, this is goodbye, so long and fuck off.
Wanker!
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
What are we gonna do?
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's going to do my washing? Huh? You have not thought this through.
There is an alternative.
Who are you?
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding. If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
What are we thinking?
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what. What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after we finish. Better than signing on.
Yeah, what about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that.
Yeah. I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such. No one important.
I would say that these people you may or may not have killed were evil. You were protecting society. You're not murderers. You're heroes. Superheroes. Rich, famous superheroes. And if that doesn't work, we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Good answer.
Sign us up.
Good.
We're making a mistake.
We should all stick together.
Just do it with us.
This will change everything.
Oh.
[Simon walks up to her and she hands a business card] Call me when you change your mind.
[In locker room] I don't know. Do you trust her?
[Opens door] They're waiting for you. They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No one cares. Okay, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
[In mirror] Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Cock, in. [Zips up pant fly] Flies, up. [Turns around] Let's go be famous. [Walks on with community servers]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Misfits pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.