...Oh, come on, if that was me bent over wearing a lovely pair of knickers, you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?
Piss off, you pervert!
Okay... but you know you would...
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You don't want to me mess with me, man. I do that cage fightin' shit. I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands! Oh, yeah. Who's scared now, huh?
[Calls out to Simon walking by and realizes he can't hear 'cause of walkman earbuds in and she walks in front of him, he takes earbuds out] Hi. I called out. You didn't hear 'cause of the music.
Right.
Do you want to walk in together? You don't have to, if you're embarrassed to be seen with me.
I'd never be embarrassed to be seen with you.
Good. [Gestures to continue walking] Ready?
What are you listening to?
Echo & the Bunnymen.
Never heard of them. [Simon gives her an earbud] Thanks... [she puts it on] This is really depressing.
[Walks into locker room and sees Nathan sitting on floor] What's up with you?
Some bastard killed me last night.
Are you winding us up?
No! No, cross my heart and hope to die. Or not.
Who was it?
I don't know. I was too busy being savagely beaten to death. That is not a pleasant way to die.
Have you got any enemies?
No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?
I can think of a few reasons.
Definitely.
Shitloads.
...You annoy people.
See, why would you even say something like that? That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat!
Don't speak to him like that.
Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?
Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off? [Walks away]
I wish I could. I can never reach it.
Oh, that is too wrong.
Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh? [Leans on back and brings legs up] One time, right, I tied a rope to my feet and tried to yank them over my head. Huh? And I've got like six pillows! Uh! I nearly broke my neck! [Makes a gesture] I was so close! Oh! An inch feels like a mile! [To Curtis] So, how close did you get?
I'm not even having this conversation.
'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
This is why people kill you.
[Observing Jessica while standing on chair in recreation centre main area with volunteers abuzz with Shaun walking by] Hey, you! Probation worker guy!
Are you talking to me?
No. I'm talking to the thousands of other probation workers. Look, who's she?
[Walks up] She's organizing this charity run.
Oh, is she?
Oh, don't even think about it. She's not gonna be interested in a little prick like you.
How do you know?
'Cause I know women. I know what they like.
Is that because you used to be one? [Shaun shoves Nathan to floor, smirks and walks away]
Hey, you're not allowed to do that!
It's her.
Who?
The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.
You said you didn't know who it was.
No, it's all coming back to me now. She was here last night and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.
[Derisively] Oh, nice.
No, I walked in on her. She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me. What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick? I am telling you. The bitch killed me.
[Across room to Simon] So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?
I was never very good at running.
Is that why you got caught?
Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry. Er... I make crap jokes when I'm nervous.
Why are you nervous?
Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool. I should just kill myself right now.
Don't.
[Laughs] Well, I wasn't entirely serious. [Tensely stares at Nathan across room]
No, of... of course not. You were making a joke.
[Talks to self] Oh, surprised to see me, huh? Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch. That's right. I'm on to you.
Is everything okay?
It's fine.
[Picks up box with two water bottles on it that fall off] Grab those bottles for us, yeah? The bottles.
[Aloud] What? [Voice of thought] She's so beautiful. [Aloud] What's your name?
Why do you want to know my name?
Because I'm really attracted to you.
Are you taking the piss?
No. I think you're beautiful. [Hears front door open and hides behind boxes with police officer coming in holding out badge]
PPolice officer
You!
Are you talking to me, mate?
PPolice officer
You see a guy in a grey hoodie come through here?
Your height, kind of funny-looking?
PPolice officer
Where is he?
He went out the back door. You better start running if you want to catch him.
PPolice officer
Are you dicking with me?
No. I love the police. [Sarcastically forces a smile]
PPolice officer
[Disapprovingly shakes head and into walkie talkie] He's gone out the back door of the Community Centre! [Gives her a shoulder bump of you-should-know-better with her looking offended face and he runs out back door]
Thanks. [Runs out front door]
What do you mean, she killed you?
I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this, until my brains dribbled out of my ears.
She wouldn't do that.
How do you know?! You don't know anything about her!
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.
There is no maths.
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!
That means absolutely nothing.
Oh, my God! Really? She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.
So?
So, I remember a similar scenario that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.
Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.
Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.
And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?
That's not what we're saying!
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.
My mum died of cancer. And I wanted to do something so I set up this charity run.
I'm sorry about your mum.
So, what's with the community service? What did you do? You didn't murder anyone, did you?
No.
You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
I want you to know.
[Bruno appears holding a pack of beer cans] What you doing?
I'm waiting for you. I wanted to say thank you.
Why are the coppers after you?
I got into a fight. I didn't mean to. Would you like to come for a beer in the park with me?
No, you're all right.
Come for a beer with me.
If you don't get out of my face, you're gonna get a slap.
Sorry. You're the first person that's ever done anything kind for me. People are mean. You were nice to me. I just wanted to say thank you. :Kelly: One beer. Come on, then. So, what's your name?
Bruno.
What kind of a shit name is that? I hit this girl.
She deserve it?
I thought she did at the time. Sometimes it's like I lose it. I've battered someone before I even know that I've done it.
Did you mean what you said to that policeman?
What's that?
That I was kind of funny-looking.
It's your face. You want to get that sorted.
Really?
No, I'm dicking with you.
Shall I invite her back to mine? [Voice of thought] Don't scare her off. Does she even like me?
You got any beers back at your place? I ain't gonna shag you.
[Snorts] I wasn't expecting you to.
Good. Come on.
So, who'd have thunk [voice of thought] it, eh? You know, you and me teaming up on something like this.
This is about the least weird thing that's happened to me recently.
So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.
What, and you are? Why are you here?
Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.
Yeah, well, maybe I do to.
The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?
[Spying on Jessica with Simon in a car park] She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web, they shag ya, then they kill ya, and then they eat their own faeces.
What?
If I had your power, I'd wait until I was cumming, and I'd rewind a couple of seconds, and just... hover in the moment.
You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...
Jessica.
Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.
You'll find your own girlfriend.
Already got one, mate.
Who is she?
Mo... nique... ca. [Clears throat] She's French.
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