Charles Foster Ofdensen quotes from Metalocalypse

Oh lighten up Mr. Dooms N' Glooms, embezzle is metal.

Who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?

Charles Ofdensen

Well, he is embezzling... from you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.

How can you be stupid? You're famous!

Charles Ofdensen

That is true...

And yous a billionaire!

Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.

William Murderface

Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!

Oh, hey, what the fuck?!

I gets punch for laughing?!

Laughing hurts more.

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Ofdensen

Nathan! I have your test results.

Aww, you open it, I... I can't stand the pressure.

Ofdensen

Let's see here, okay, uh... it's a, uh... zero. No questions were answered.

Awww... DAMN! SERIOUSLY?!

Ofdensen

How could you... not have known that?

Do you think you're better than me?

Ofdensen

I took the liberty of writing your Harvard commencement speech.

[Still angry] Thanks!

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[reading the speech] Harvard... solutions... solutions to you.

Ofdensen

[whispers to him] Salutations!

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FPFootball Player

Little Juliette Sarmansadandle - she does not have much time left. With our foundation, she gets one last wish, and what is that sweetie?

JSJuliette Sarmansadandle

I want to meet Toki.

Charles Ofdensen

Toki, the "Wish For Something" foundation, ah, wants you to be its poster boy - quite an honour... sick and helpless children -

I pass!

Ofdensen

I'm sorry?

I'm not associating myself with kids.

Ofdensen

These ones are dying, Toki -

Ohh, good.

Awwwh, c'mon, Toki, you don't mean that -

Yes I dos! Dead!

Ofdensen

All you would have to do is spend a few hours, just talking to children, just -

Well how comes I can'ts sits around and drinks like Pickle? How come I can'ts fucking sits around and screws sluts or somesing? But no, you are the cutesy guy, that kids like. You gotta helps people, gets over their problem, fuck that! You dos it!

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Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!

Toki is losing his mind, he is.

[drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.

I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.

Nathan Explosion

[has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?

Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...

Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.

[quietly] Well, fire him then!

Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!

Why?

Ja, why?

Well, because, too emotional and - I'll probably have to cancel it, awh darn!

Ofdensen

If you really want to fire Toki, I can begin processing the paperwork, but before we do that, I ah, I might have plan.

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Ofdensen

That little sick girl is here to see you.

[harsh voice] Tell her to go die!

Ofdensen

Well she is dying.

Gooooood!

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Toki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!

Nathan Explosion

Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -

You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?

Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.

You shut up!

I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.

Hey, that's my friend!

Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?

Yeah, he's not a real friend.

Dick!

What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.

Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?

Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.

William Murderface

...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.

Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.

Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!

....We care about you!

I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.

He smells like piss.

It's metal to like clowns.

EEEverybody Else

No, it's non-metal.

Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.

Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.

Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.

Charles Ofdensen

Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?

Um-hmmm.

Okay, calls you later.

Ofdensen

[talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.

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K-K-K-K-K-K-YEAH! IT'S ME DR. ROCKSO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN!

Ha ha ha! [laughs] I just cracks up every time!

Well wipe your feet before you come in here?

Hey business man, what you do for a living, sell shoes? K-K-YEAH...

Ofdensen

May I have a short word with you?

Oh yeah, you are short. Ohhhhhh yeah.

Ha ha, he is short.

Ha.

Yowza.

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Ofdensen

Well, ah, Rockso, Toki really seems to like you, a great deal. So our home is your home.

OH! MI CASA, SU CASA BA-BABY!

Ofdensen

Yes, but just remember, stay in the main room, and I, need you to sign this confidential agreement, and pain waiver.

What if I don't want to?

Ofdensen

Try me...

Aww come on, Rockso's just pu-pulling your ch-ch-chain! You did have my ass beat though. That shit hurts.

Ofdensen

Well, just stay in the main room, and we'll be fine. Have fun.

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Ofdensen

Find something interesting in there, did you?

Ofdensen

Easy Rockso, easy. Don't you think you might have had a little too much cocaine?

[voice wavering] Back off, man. Leave me alone.

[hearing a shot being fired] Hey, that's my driving gun! [stands up]

Hey, you're not supposed to wear clothes in the hot tub.

I'm freeballing.

[dashes by] K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!

I told you he was funny.

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Charles Ofdensen

So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...

[The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]

Ofdensen

Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -

Fuck that, I'm going.

Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!

Ofdensen

They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.

So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...

Ofdensen

Well, uh... financially speaking, you -

Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...

Gots to listen to your hearts...

Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!

It's unanimous!

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Charles Ofdensen

Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.

So they're gonna die?

Ofdensen

No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.

That... that's a different thing!

Ofdensen

Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -

Nathan Explosion

Right, well, anything else?

Ofdensen

Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -

Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.

William Murderface

Here's the new merch!

Dis is... times travels face bag.

Ofdensen

Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?

[voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.

Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!

[removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?

It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!

I must have traveled through time itself!

We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.

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Assassin

[aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!

I will seesk you in Valhalska.

... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...

I knows, Toki... I knows.

Ofdensen

That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.

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OOffdensen

Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here. You'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so... [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is Murderface's knife on a plate] Uh. Nothin'?

Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? Y'know, before you start with all this... robotic crap? I mean, am I wrong?-

Yeah, you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work, you ugly humps!" [offended] Ugly humps?!

You're like a robot. You're like an... emotionless robot.

Yeah. He is a robot.

Robot.