Toki Wartooth quotes from Metalocalypse

This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.

Toki

I love sausage festival!

Wait, what..

Toki

Like in Vienna.

No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.

Toki

Yeah, that was good.

Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.

Toki

The sausage?

Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.

Toki

Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.

I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.

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Attention! You big baby!

Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?

Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?

We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.

Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.

That's part of the surprise.

Why?

Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.

Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!

Well, what do you think?

Toki

Big fat tires and everything!

But I already got, like, a million limos.

Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]

It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki

And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]

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Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.

Toki

Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!

Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.

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[Charles Ofdensen, the band's manager, hands the band their new Dethphones.]

Toki

[picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

Charles Ofdensen

Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.

All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.

Ofdensen

Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.

Pickles the Drummer

So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.

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Ofdensen

Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.

Well, I'm not sorry.

Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Toki

Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!

I know!

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Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!

Toki

That's brutal.

So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!

Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.

DDethfone

You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...

Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.

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What are those wooden things? Chairs?

BBarkeep

They are acoustic instruments.

Toki

What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?

A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.

BBarkeep

It's your only choice, I'm afraid.

Whoa, this is a tough one guys.

Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.

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Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?

Toki

I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.

Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!

Toki

Can you?

No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.

Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?

Toki

Honestly, I was just hitting any note.

Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.

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Toki

THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!

[referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!

Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!

[They swing the Dethphones by their chains and throw them. The Dethphones land 3 feet in front of the band.]