Skwisgaar Skwigelf quotes from Metalocalypse

We want our own PR person, like Pickles has.

OOffdensen

But I am a PR person.

But we want a real PR person.

OOffdensen

I am a real PR person.

Skwisgaar

No, we wants a reals PRs person!

OOffdensen

I am a real PR person--

But we wants a lady!

OOffdensen

I am--fine.

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Now, publicity is all about being seen.

Yeah, okay, okay, that's a good point, because what I was gonna say is publicity is all about being seen.

That's what I just--I thought I was running this meeting, you're just repeating!

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right, please.

We need to get our faces out to where everybody can see us--

Skwisgaar

Likes Pickle on TV!

Exactly! But everybody goes on TV--

Yeah, everybody goes on TV, everyone does, you're right.

Yes, just my point, everybody goes on TV--

Everybody's already on there, why would you wanna do that?

Yes--

Go, go the other way.

Grr... yes. We need to go where--

Where nobody's gone yet.

Oh, radio!

Toki, get outta here, you're not in the PR club.

It's stupidest PR club, it doesn't work!

THANK YOU JUST I'M RUNNING THIS MEETING! WE NEED TO... just somewhere that's not on TV. FUCK! (throws laptop)

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Skwisgaar

What are they gots there grapesdrink?

Yeah they're drinking some fucking grape drink that's awesome.

Oh grapesdrink.

That's a pretty fancy grape drink.

Skwisgaar

How comes theys gets to have grapesdrink?

Yeah how come we can't have any fucking grape drink? That's fucking not fucking fair.

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Skwisgaar

Gives to me this waterproof guitar that makes sure can floats.

And gives me waterproof guitars what shoots out bugs repellsgents.

Skwisgaar

Gives to me magic gloves whats can makes my hands fly.

Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs.

Skwisgaar

Gives to me the swords that glows, which shows me which way that is north.

Oh and gives to me battleaxe what shows which way's south!

Skwisgaar

Stops copys me.

You stops copys me.

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STSkwisgaar & Toki

[at the same time in constant rhythm, sometimes getting faster] Stops copies me! Stops copies me! Stops copies me! [repeats]

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[Sunbathing naked] Feel that jungle air, wind just whistlin' through...

Skwisgaar

Hey, I makes some sandwiches...[Spits out sandwich and drops plate] Oh, Murderface!

Oh, man...MURDERFACE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

My god, you are so repressed.

It's got nothin' to do with repressed!

Skwisgaar

How abouts this, I solves the problem--puts your shirts back on!

Okay, your wiener, it's disgusting how it's all gnarled, it's like you stuck it in a hornet's nest!

Well I happen to play bass with it, there's callus buildup.

I don't need to look at it!

It's like Amazon boat-rash or something. Can I please just take a leak before I pull my shorts up?

Fine, go ahead, but just promise to never do this again, okay?

Oh god, now I can see your ass! It's like cottage cheese!

Just let me do this...

Skwisgaar

Quick questions, do you shaves yours ass, because you gots a lots of stubbles goings on there.

Quick answer, fuck you!

Work out or something, that's a problem area.

AAAAAARRRRGGH!!!

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OOffdensen

Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.

Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?

OOffdensen

You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-

I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Alright you got it!

I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!

YOU GOT IT!

I NEED A SECRETARY!

YOU GOT IT!

I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!

YOU GOT IT!

Skwisgaar

I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!

Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?

You could be in charge of old... you know what!

Skwisgaar

Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!

YOUUU GOT IT!

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Okay give me a call when you need me to come pick you up, do you guys have your phones?

Skwisgaar

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, eat all your lunch and don't talk to anybody. There's weirdos out there.

Skwisgaar

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, goodbye, study hard! [drives off]

Skwisgaar

Hey Toki. I bets yous a millions billions dollars thats I will be a better driver than yous.

OH! I bets yous a krillions billions thats I will bes the best, ands the fastest!

Skwisgaar

No way! Yous are on!

Let's go! [runs out in the street as cars whiz by him; the camera cuts to Skwisgaar as you hear a bunch of crashes occur]

Skwisgaar

Whoa! Look out! Ha ha! Oh... that's funny...

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Please pull forward now.

No, I-I lets that guy go first.

But now it's your turn.

After this guys.

You have right of way!

After that guy. You-you gos head!

Let'sa go, douchebag!

Skwisgaar

Leaves hims alone!

[weeps] I can'ts do it!

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You bothes failds your driving tests-o.

SKwisgaar

Buts dats uns-possible!

No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!

It's scary!

I know! You told me!

Skwisgaar

Where'ds dids I fail?

You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!

Skwisgaar

IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!

How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!

Skwisgaar

RACIST!

Yeah, racist!

Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!

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OOffdensen

Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.

Oh god, that's pandering!

Pandering!

OOffdensen

Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.

Skwisgaar

Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!

OOffdensen

Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.

Compassion?!?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?

See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!

OOffdensen

Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?

Oh come on...

Skwisgaar

Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?

OOffdensen

No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.

Repair our image with health care!?

(mumble)

Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.

Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!

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[Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]

Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?

Skwisgaar

[using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!

[using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...

[laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!

Check it out. [laughs]

[using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!

Skwisgaar

[using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!

You're Leech Hitler!

Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.

OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!

Now, that guy was an entertainer.

Oh, you got that right!

Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!

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Slut! She sluts! Look at her!

Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.

What are you talkin' about?

What?

Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.

That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.

Skwisgaar

Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.

Yeah, so?

What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!

Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.

And?

And what?

Skwisgaar

Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?

Well...then they sleep with you.

Ah yeah, I knew it!

Skwisgaar

That's his angles! Rights theres!

Ooh, busteds!

Oh, come on.

Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!

So?

Skwisgaar

Classics Murderface!

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Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!

Skwisgaar

I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?

Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!

Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.

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Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...

Hey. Hey.

You know, potential-

Hey!

Yes?

Gimme fifty thousand dollars.

Well uh, what do you need it for?

For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!

Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-

So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!

All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-

So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?

Yes.

[long pause]

We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!

Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?

[annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!

Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!

Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!

How do you know that?

How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!

How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?

He's keepings it!

Skwisgaar

Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.