Pickles the Drummer quotes from Metalocalypse

Nathan

Rockso. Fuckin' clown. Boy, I really hate that guy.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, I should fucking horse-whip hims.

Pickles

Yeah, he is a menace. A home-grown menace.

Toki

Oh, he just misunderstoods.

Nathan

Yeah, uh...you know, you also said that you're the Dethklok song writer.

Murderface

(clearly pleased with himself) Did I? I, eh, I don't remember.

Nathan

Yeah...you did. And you've never written anything, ever.

Murderface

What about Planet Piss?

Nathan

First of all, that's not Dethklok.

Pickles

You never even completed one song, neither.

Murderface

That's not to say I'm not capable of writing a song!

Nathan

(getting angry) In this case, it is to say you're not capable!

Murderface

I could have written any Dethklok song, I coulda written any of 'em!

Nathan

But you didn't write any-- but you didn't, though!

Murderface

But I could have!

Nathan

But you didn't!

Murderface

BUT I COULD HAVE!

Nathan

Well, I could've invented the, uh, the floor, you know, but I didn't!

Murderface

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't get credit for inventing the floor!

Nathan

(babbling) That should mean that I don't get credit for it!

Murderface

Wait a minute, what about the bass-lines, I wrote all the bass-lines! (nudges Pickles, who looks annoyed)

Skwisgaar

You didn'ts write no bass-lines, I figures them out for you and shows them to you!

Murderface

Oh, yeah, that is--

Nathan

You know, I'd like to hear you try to write one song!

Murderface

You-- you'd like to hear me try to write one song?!

Nathan

Yeah, it, it has to be a complete song!

Murderface

You'd like to hear me write one complete song?!

Nathan

Yeah!

Murderface

You, get outta--

Pickles

You're not gonna do it!

Murderface

OH YES I WILL, BECAUSE I HAVE THIS, SMARTASS, HAHA! (holds up a book called 'Song Writing')

Toki

Oh no I thinks Dr. Rockso has withdrawals! Whats do wes do? Whats do wes do?!

Pickles

[pulls out a pistol] Here I got it. [fires his gun into Dr. Rockso, who immediatly falls to the ground]

Toki

You fucking kills him!!

Pickles

Don't worry, it's an animal tranquilizer gun, you know, left over from the CD release party.

Toki

Oh yeah that was a funs party.

Pickles

Yeah, that was a fun party.

Molly

Look, Pickles! Look how great your brother’s doing!

Pickles

...uh, where am I looking?

Molly

Look at his house-room!

Pickles

What, you converted the attic.

Molly

Look, he has an all-in-one fax-machine! [The fax machine is sitting on a piece of wood propped up by cinder-blocks.] He’s a professional! Go give him a hug!

Feels good, doesn't it? Fuck yeah. Hugging your own brother. Being close to his fuckin' face like this. [unintelligible...lots of swearing]. Look at fuckin' Dethklok in my fuckin' house-room! Ha! I'm calling Mitch and Bobby, they won't fuckin' believe this. I'm fuckin' excited about you guys throwin' me a bachelor party! Fuck! Oh, and by the way, this is little Amber, the love of my fuckin' heart. Wanna see an angel, go on, turn around.

Toki

Who are those goofballs?

Pickles

Oh, those are Seth's pals, y'know, a couple of high school dropouts who scam on teenage chicks and steal and run crystal meth houses, y'know, beat up kids, rob, lie, possibly kill.

Murderface

Awesome!

Let's go, rich bitch!

Hey, fuckin' throw down some cash, we're getting Seth a fuckin' lap dance.

Yeah, rich bitch!

How 'bout a H-Job?

Skwisgaar

Heys, Pickle! Try nots to gets Hepastitis Cs from dats! Yeah, those girls are pretty skankys.

Nathan

Yeah, those girls are...I'd do 'em.

Skwisgaar

Yeah, I do dems too.

Pickles

[nervously] Should we call it a night?

Oh no you fuckin' don't, I just fuckin' ordered shots!

Nathan

He's trying to escape, get him!

Pickles

Nooo! Nooo, noo, let me go!

Nathan

[grabs him] What, you were gonna run away and leave us here?!

Pickles

I didn't know! I didn't know! I didn't know it was gonna be like this! I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know—[Murderface punches him several times.] Stop hitting me!

Murderface

Can't help it! [punches him again]

Pickles

Did you hear that speech, everybody's on his side, they — let's leave...let's leave now, let's go! Let's go!

Nathan

Don't be stupid, Pickles.

Pickles

Did you hear him, talkin' about Dethklok business endeavors—

Nathan

I know, Pickles, I know, look; we can't leave. Not yet. [pause] It's just too funny.

Murderface

It's too hilarious!

Nathan

Man, it's really good...

Hey, Pickles! I need your uh, y'know, credit card for a second.

Nathan

He's getting away again, get him!

Pickles

[desperately] No! No! No—

Murderface

I've never seen so much blood at a wedding. Awesome.

Nathan

Yeah, you really beat up your brother.

Pickles

But I feel bad for him.

Nathan

But you just said you hated him, why would...eh.

Pickles

Yeah, I mean, I hate him, but...

Skwisgaar

Ya but it's not unsposed to make sense. For you see, wes are aimless, hate-filled animals, scamperings away into the nights.

Toki

That's rights. For you see, that's what families is. Peoples whats you hates.

Pickles

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And look who's here, it's the guy who's everywhere now, Dethklok's drummer Pickles--

Pickles

(waving liquor bottle) Yeeah, woo-hoo!

--along with his publicist Liz Bane.

Pickles

How ya doin'?

His face is everywhere these days. People are calling you the most popular member of Dethklok. How does that make you feel?

Pickles

I got two words: drunk and horny.

Liz Bane

Pickles you're late, we have to hurry.

Pickles

Ok.

Liz Bane

Time is running out.

Pickles

Ok.

Liz Bane

This is our destiny.

Pickles

Ok let's just play this show and get out of here. We got any songs with destiny in the title?

Nathan

Ummm, no, but I can stick it in it doesn't matter no one can understand what I'm saying anyway.

Pickles

Oh oh, we gotta get some bait! They got pretty big fish down there, get some big worms, and... you know what, get snakes. Snakes are the biggest worms out there.

I'm sure there'll be plenty of snakes down there. It's the Amazon.

Pickles

There you go, penny-pinchin' again.

Murderface

Did you know there's an Amazonian catfish that can swim up your pee and lay eggs in your ding-dong?!

Pickles

OK, that's it, I'm done eating, alright, just... augh... that's gross!

Murderface

You can mock me but watch out when you pee!

Pickles

Just back off, alright? This is a horrible combination of beef jerky breath and repulsive information, OK? I'm not interested.

Murderface

Fine, but you've been warned. You've been warned, Pickles!

Murderface

[Sunbathing naked] Feel that jungle air, wind just whistlin' through...

Skwisgaar

Hey, I makes some sandwiches...[Spits out sandwich and drops plate] Oh, Murderface!

Pickles

Oh, man...MURDERFACE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Murderface

My god, you are so repressed.

Pickles

It's got nothin' to do with repressed!

Skwisgaar

How abouts this, I solves the problem--puts your shirts back on!

Pickles

Okay, your wiener, it's disgusting how it's all gnarled, it's like you stuck it in a hornet's nest!

Murderface

Well I happen to play bass with it, there's callus buildup.

Pickles

I don't need to look at it!

Murderface

It's like Amazon boat-rash or something. Can I please just take a leak before I pull my shorts up?

Pickles

Fine, go ahead, but just promise to never do this again, okay?

Pickles

Oh god, now I can see your ass! It's like cottage cheese!

Murderface

Just let me do this...

Skwisgaar

Quick questions, do you shaves yours ass, because you gots a lots of stubbles goings on there.

Murderface

Quick answer, fuck you!

Pickles

Work out or something, that's a problem area.

Murderface

AAAAAARRRRGGH!!!

Murderface

Ate her husband in soup...

Pickles

That is so totally Cannibal Corpse.

Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.

Nathan

Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?

You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-

Murderface

I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!

Nathan

Alright you got it!

Toki

I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Murderface

I NEED A SECRETARY!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Pickles

I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!

Nathan

YOU GOT IT!

Skwisgaar

I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!

Pickles

Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?

Murderface

You could be in charge of old... you know what!

Skwisgaar

Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!

Nathan

YOUUU GOT IT!